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I had hoped it would be different, but now I see that this is where this conversation was headed from the start. Not about Patricia, or even me, but about Roxanne’s agency. Everything always comes back to that fucking agency.
“Seriously? That’s all that matters to you, isn’t it? That girl was raped, and you’re still worried about your brothel.”
“I’m the fucking owner, Andries!” Roxanne yells as she throws her hands up in exasperation.
“Thenstop. You said you were looking for a buyer. Sell the fucking thing already and be done with it.”
She pauses, cocking her head to one side as she examines me. When she speaks, her voice is calmer, but at the same time, more vulnerable. “That’s why you set up that interview, isn’t it? You wanted to make my line of work look bad in the hope that I’d quit faster.”
“No, that wasn’t my intention,” I insist, blood starting to pound in my head. “I wanted to help Patricia and at the same time raise awareness about the dangers of prostitution. That’s all. It’s nothing about you.”
Roxanne shoots to her feet, still clutching the blanket around her as she does. “Liar! You just wanted to shame me.”
“Roxie, you’re being ridiculous. Your name wasn’t even mentioned.” I can tell my voice is bordering on sarcastic, but this conversation just seems so crazy to me, I can’t help it.
I feel like shit now, though, seeing the sheen of tears in her eyes. “I thought we had an honest and transparent relationship. You said that’s what you wanted. This is the exact opposite of honest and transparent.”
This is a real fight between us now, and I hate it so much that I have to resist the urge not to grab my things and leave. It was never supposed to be like this between us again. Looking at her, passionate and sad, I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her to forget any of this ever happened. But this is the real world, and these things have to be resolved.
When I don’t answer, she quickly wipes the unfallen tears away, sniffling. “Maybe Poppy was right––I should be withsomeone who is proud of my business instead of asking me to get rid of it.”
I guffaw. “Proud of you for sellingsex? Aside from your faithful customers, and the likes of Karl, I don’t see why any man would be proud of it.”
She huffs, head shaking at my comment. “I don’t need a congratulations card or a party to celebrate me or anything like that, Andries. I just want to be lovedandrespected, both in equal amounts.” She bends over slightly to retrieve her book and wine.
Without another word she leaves for the terrace, shutting the door hard behind her. I can hear her shuddering breaths right before the door is totally shut, and I know she’s going outside to decompress and gather her thoughts. It’s tempting to follow her right away, but I force myself to give her some space for the time being.
Here, surrounded by her and all her things, it’s impossible to make my thoughts go elsewhere. It’s less than ten minutes before I’m pulling the terrace door open and going outside to join her. I hope this brief reprieve has been enough for her.
Again, she doesn't look up from her book, but still manages to ask, “You’re still here?”
“I’m not leaving until you tell me to,” I inform her, taking the other seat.
Roxanne crosses her arms and fixes her eyes on Dam Square, talking to me while facing away so I can’t see her emotions flit across her face. “It isn’t fair that I have to sell the agency to be with you. I love it.”
“It’s only because you lied to me in the beginning. If you had been honest, I never would have fallen for you. Wait,” I rub the back of my neck, thinking over my words. “Actually, I’d still have fallen for you, but I never would have let it show. I never would have pursued you if I knew you were selling sex, but by the time Ifound out, I was already in a relationship with you.Youtook my right to choose away by lying to me.”
She doesn’t say anything, never taking her eye off the square. Waiting for more from me, so I continue, “Look, I want to give us a second chance, which is what I’m trying to do. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.”
“But what if we split up and I’ve already sold the agency?” she asks, her voice thin, her eyes finally on me.
“We won’t break up,” I point out.
“Are you sure? I’m turning thirty-six next month, Andries, and you’re barely twenty! What if one day you wake up, roll over, and see that you’re living with an old harpy while there are so many women your age out there you could be with instead?”
Roxanne is bleeding vulnerability as if she’s been stabbed, and her pain hurts me too. This fear that she’s too old for me has haunted her for a while now, and no matter what I do I feel like I can’t fully assuage it.
Still, I have to try. I take her face in my hands and look her straight in the eye, enjoying her soft skin against my hands. “I love you. And despite everything we went through, I’m still here. What I said at Christmas was serious; I’m in this for the long run.”
“Oh, Andries,” she breathes, words catching in her throat.
“I’m just as scared as you are that one day you won’t be interested in me. All I can do is hope that day never comes.”
Her eyelids flutter closed when I lean down, kissing her with aching softness to punctuate how serious I am about my words. I drag my lips over hers, as light as air, before kissing her in earnest again. She hums against my mouth, and it wrecks my concentration.
“Can I ask you something?” I manage to say, pulling her into a tight embrace just to feel her pulse next to mine.
“Sure,” she sighs.
