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I stay hidden until the absolute last moment when Elise comes knocking on my door to command me down to the dinner table. I oblige, letting the mask slip into place and following her down into the main dining area. The immediate smell of roasted meat washes over me, and my stomach rumbles with interest. It makes me realize that I’ve done nothing but graze on whatever has been brought to my room for the past two days, and the idea of a real meal is almost enough to shake me out of my current fugue.
It’s a smaller than usual affair, as I had expected, and there are minimal people for me to greet, for which I’m thankful. The brief interlude of the food being a distraction is quickly doneaway with as the pressure of even this minuscule gathering begins to get to me. There is so much laughing, so much chatter, and everything is just so bright and garish. It’s enough to make my head pound, and I’m about to use said ailment as an excuse to leave back to my room, but it turns out the last person I need to greet is nothing less than my grandmother, Margaret van Dieren. My seat just so happens to be next to hers, which means leaving is now off the table.
“Andries.” She smiles affectionately. “You become more handsome every time I see you.”
“Thank you,Oma,” I reply, unable to match the excitement in her tone.
Her delicate perfume fills my nostrils as she embraces me briefly. I kiss her cheek, once again surprised by how much taller I am than her these days. If I was in a better state of mind, it might make me a little melancholic, but with how I feel currently it’s just another footnote.
I take my seat beside her, letting her pat my hand a few times when I’m seated. The whole overly sweet grandma routine is just that, a routine, but I let her indulge the audience around us. Appearing this way makes her less threatening, but no one, including myself, should ever forget that she’s really a viper in cashmere.
Grandma isn’t the only one who seems to be fixated on me. Mom and Dad exchange hopeful glances, likely having to do with my put-together visage and willing appearance that the party and the subsequent smiles sent my way make me want to roll my eyes. Everyone thinks this is a positive thing, me being at dinner, but it’s just me going through the motions to avoid any uncomfortable questioning.
Once dinner begins in earnest, the champagne flows like a river. No one’s glass is staying empty for long. It’s the only thingthat gets me through all the courses, even if the sparkling wine doesn’t sit well with the whiskey I had already consumed.
It’s just family and close friends, and it’s only later than I notice who is sitting next to Elise further down the table: Tatiana. She catches my eye, her sweet, shy smile making me groan internally. Of course, she had to know about Roxanne and me being separated since she was Elise’s friend, and my family would stop at nothing to get me to commit to Tatiana.
I can't lie. The night I left Roxanne, I considered it, if only briefly. Tatiana is objectively beautiful, so bright and sunny in nature that there isn’t anyone in the world that could deny it. She’s the innocent, youthful type of beauty that never held much interest for me, but I’d have to be blind to not see that she’d have been a great girlfriend, had I been the man my family so wanted me to be. Being with her would be so easy, and she clearly wants that chance, even after we had discussed remaining friends. But if I gave in and got into a relationship with her, it’d have to be once I had completely given up on ever experiencing true love, because if we dated and slept together, I could never leave her. I couldn’t bear to put that kind of shame on such a gentle soul, even if I knew I could never love her in the romantic sense. On the other hand, it would just be… so,so easy. I could even marry her straight away and be done with it. My family would be pleased, Tatiana’s family would be pleased, and Tatiana herself would be over the moon. She would be the perfect wife…the perfect wife for the man everyone thinks I am, not the one that I truly am.
Lying in bed at night I toyed with the idea of marrying Tatiana and letting my heart die for good. She would still be a good friend and lifelong companion, but the fact that it meant I’d keep her from finding someone that would love her as much as she loved them stopped me. I’m ready to give into the idea offeeling dead inside all the time, but I’m not about to do that to her.
Down the table, Tatiana waves with a quick wiggle of her fingers, cheeks flushed from the champagne and her natural nervousness. Beside me, my grandmother chuckles, before leaning toward me.
“Why don’t you put the poor girl out of her misery and just date her already?” she asks, her voice low and discreet. “Even I know she has stars in her eyes for you. And she’s gorgeous. What’s not to like?”
I think about the kind of women I’m attracted to. They had to be older than me, confident in themselves, established, and intelligent. A fully realized woman. Tatiana is still a girl.
“There is just no spark,” I explain, my tone nonchalant, between bites.
“That’s the last thing you should be worried about,” Grandma says. “Real, long-lasting relationships are built on the foundation of two people that are better as a whole than they ever were single. Trust and respect come first, love and lust second.”
I sit my fork down on my plate with a click. “I don’t need to hear your stories about lust, Oma. But thanks.”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Andries. You know what I mean.”
“It sounds like an arranged marriage,” I comment.
“No. It’s a smart match, based on logic, and not the whims of the heart and groin, child.”
I lean my head back against the chair and close my eyes. “I wish you didn’t have to keep inserting lust and… genitals into this conversation.”
Grandma puffs at me, head shaking. “All I’m saying is that you should heavily consider Ms. Jansen for a more serious commitment. It isn’t often that life drops the perfect solution to our problems in our laps. You shouldn’t ignore this sign.”
“Are you sure you’re ready to see your favorite grandson tied down already?” I ask, taking the rare chance to tease her.
She scowls in response, and I feel the distinct urge to laugh. “You might think it’s a joke, but I still stick by the point. You should date her. This would give you more than enough time to get to know each other.”
“I know her already pretty well,” I counter. “Which is one reason why I’m positive that I don’t want to date her.”
Grandma cranes her head around the other guests to get a better look at Tatiana, who is deep in conversation with Elise. Again, I am struck by how lovely she truly is, with her brownish hair pulled behind her ears and her glossy lips curved in a smile. My grandmother looks back at me, both of her thin eyebrows raised.
“I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is that you find lacking in that girl, Andries.”
I sigh, pushing my food around on my plate. “If Mom had closed her eyes and conjured up the perfect bride for me out of her own mind, it’d be Tatiana. Now this may shock you, but Mom and I don’t exactly have the same taste in women.”
Grandma makes a delicate amused sound that could almost be considered a snort. “Oh, Andries—”
“She’s the human equivalent of a glass of milk. Good for you, nutritious, even, but utterly boring.”
