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Amsterdam, February 25, 2022
Andries
Some days,class is my escape from all the oddities of my everyday life. Today, though, it’s dragging, and the reasoning is silly; the sooner I get out of here, the sooner I can continue daydreaming and working through what happened between Roxanne and I yesterday.
When I had called Lili to set up the meeting, I had told myself that, logically, it was to find some closure on the relationship between us. I had decided that since we seemed destined to run into each other again and again, it’d be a good idea to at least be able to see her here and there without it causing a torrent of emotions inside of me. I couldn’t be her friend, but I had to be mature enough to be her acquaintance.
It’d all changed as soon as she walked in, though. Roxanne wasn’t dressed to kill, and she certainly had no idea that she had been coming to meet me, but it was seeing her in her natural, everyday state that had really gotten me. She looked exactly like that when we were living together; her casual clothes, minimalmakeup, and her hair swept away from her face. She wasn’t some siren coming to drag me down to the depths or some stereotypical brothel madam in expensive silks and pearls. She was just… Roxie. The woman I had fallen for, who I had lived day to day with, who had held me during the night and shared my bed. It hit me, as soon as she opened that bookstore door with no idea of who was waiting to see her, that this woman was still the one I loved. She hadn’t changed into a stranger like I had tried to tell myself for weeks now.
And that meant I was well and truly fucked.
I kept my distance from her at first, but as it always seemed to happen, we became closer and closer to one another until I was wrapping her slight frame into my arms and resting my head against the familiar scent of her hair. Now that there was no animosity between us, and the sharp, stinging feeling of her betrayal had all but gone, all that was left was the affection and magnetic attraction that had never left.
Of course, we had also kissed, completely destroying any boundaries I had set for myself. In the moment, it had been a rush of adrenaline like no other, but now, looking back, I can’t help but see it was a moment of weakness—a moment where I was subconsciously toying with the idea of giving her a second chance like Uncle Alex and Aunt Petra advised so eagerly. Yeah, second chances are easy when the woman you love isn’t a public figure known as a brothel keeper. Maybe I can’t be Roxie’s casual acquaintance, after all. Perhaps she’s just too irresistible for me to coexist with. That certainly explains why she is occupying my every thought, even during class right now.
The last time she had haunted my every waking moment was when I was sure I hated her, and that obsession had driven me to drink. Now, though, it’s that soft, sweet feeling building inside of me, like when she and I had first met, and I can’t shake it. I wantto see her again. In fact, I’ve been unconsciously planning how I can make that happen from the moment I woke up this morning.
I’ve gotten good at letting my body be present in class while my mind floats elsewhere, my hand scribbling across the notebook, making a list of everything that’s going on in the lecture hall today so I could peruse it at my own pace once I had come down from the high of last night's kiss. I’m honestly a bit embarrassed at my lack of control, but also jubilant at how well the meeting went. One class of my head floating in the clouds wasn’t going to fail me, I’m sure, especially if I was able to keep my head above water when I was struggling with my drinking problem.
Finally class ends, and I drag myself out of my seat and out into the main concourse. I forgot that Elise would be waiting for me, so when I see her I consider going the other direction to avoid conversation, but my sister seems to have a sixth sense that allows her to be extra observant, and she notices me before I can make the choice to flee or not.
She rushes over to me, hair pulled back from her face and free of makeup. She looks lower key than normal, which is odd, since Elsie never seems to be too overwhelmed to stay in complete control of her outward appearance.
Despite that, her smile is wide and glowing. “How was class?”
“Boring. You?”
“It was pretty average, but you know, it’s strange that you go through all the trouble of having this secret major when you always tell me the classes areboring. Shouldn’t something so scandalous at least be entertaining?”
“It’s college. It’s supposed to be boring, I think, no matter what the subject. But speaking of majors and business, how is the internship going? Is it everything you ever dreamed of, being Dad’s right-hand puppet?”
She wrinkles her nose. “At first it was pretty obvious that he wished it was you there, but I think I’ve proven myself enough that he isn’t missing his melancholy son anymore. Although, even without taking the job, you’ve influenced everything that goes on.”
“How so?” I ask, looking at her quizzically.
She heaves a long sigh, her gaze dropping down for a moment. “All everyone can talk about is Karl this, Karl that, and while Dad hasn’t made it public knowledge that you had anything to do with it, the fact that it wasmethat showed up for the internship and not you, like everyone expected, has all my co-workers speculating.”
“Huh. I thought since Karl got fired that the gossip mill would sort of die down. At least that’s what Mom told me would happen, just like with me here at school and the fight video.”
“Well, about that…” Elise clears her throat, looking to the sky as if she’s reluctant to tell me what she’s about to say. “Karl isn’t actually fired. He’s just suspended. I guess since he hasn’t been convicted yet, Dad intends to keep him on until he absolutely can’t anymore.”
My steps stutter to a halt. “No way? Doesn’t he understand what the public opinion will be if they find out he’s keeping a rapist on the payroll just in case the victim is lying?”
Elise shrugs, adjusting her bag on her shoulder. “He’s damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t. Karl has worked there for decades, as you know, and it makes him almost irreplaceable. He can either have Karl waiting in the wings in case it becomes appropriate to bring him back, which is the best-case scenario for Dad, or he can fire him and hire or promote a replacement, but the relationships Karl has developed over the years are indispensable. It’d be almost impossible to replicate them, and Dad doesn’t want to start from the ground up, I guess.”
“Wow.” I can’t help but shake my head. “Every day I’m more and more relieved I didn’t go into business.”
“You’re telling me,” she grumbles. “Now I have to deal with it all. But… I still like it. It’s something new to conquer, and anything that makes me look like a better child than you is a plus.”
I elbow her playfully, even though my mind is still reeling from the news about Karl. After his arrest I had been sure Dad had fired him immediately. I guess it wasn’t so.
The conversation moves to more normal topics, like our plans for the weekend, when Elise seems to remember something with a gasp.
“Oh my God, I almost forgot to ask if you were coming to Dan’s costume party tomorrow night! It’s going to be such a good time and I think it’d really do you some good to let loose a little with your peers, if you know what I mean.”
Dan had indeed told me about the party he’s hosting, but I had brushed it off like I did almost every party invite. It just isn’t my scene, and the longer I attended those reckless events, the more disengaged I became with people my age. It just isn’t for me.
