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“Despite not being as wealthy as you are, I've taken way more women out of poverty than you or your mom will ever do,” I hiss, looking her up and down the way she did me before I finally leave. I, too, find her lacking.
“Goodbye, Roxanne,” Elise says to my back as I storm out of the apartment.
I’m so emotionally exhausted that all of my anger disappears into thin air the moment Elise can’t see my face anymore. My expression crumbles and the tears fall in earnest. In the privacy of the elevator, I cover my face with my hands and sob.
The Uber driver watches me from his seat with a bored expression as I lug all the bags out and throw them into the trunk. I’m annoyed, thinking how Andries’ driver would have never let me do all of this by myself. Why on earth did I decide to leave my car at the office? Now that Andries knows the truth, him seeing me driving a Porsche wouldn’t have mattered.
At first, face red from exertion and crying, I thought home would be the best place to go, but once we reach the block of my building, I realize I’m not ready to be left alone in my apartment, so I ask the driver to wait for me at the curb while I carry the bags up to the concierge and ask him to leave them in my living room. Then I return to my Uber and I change the address to my sister’s bookstore, which he accepts with a sigh.
My sister’s store is somehow more comforting than even my own home, and the knot of emotions in me starts to unravel as soon as I see the entryway. Outside, the world is dreary, but inside there is an innate warmth. It’s in the smell of paper and ink, the kitschy string lights and antique lamps that light the place, and the soft indie music that seems to creep and crawl through the stacks of new and used books.
Most of all, it feels like home because of Lili, who stands behind the counter with her hair caught up in a clip on the top of her head as she flips through a pile of donated books with anoverly serious look on her face. I don’t even need to say anything when she sees me. As soon as the bell above the door tinkles softly, she turns in my direction, snapping the book shut and rushing around the counter to wrap me in her arms.
The hug carries on for a few long minutes, Lili rubbing my back as I hold back my sobs that still manage to escape in choked little hiccups. It’s humiliating, but it’s been a humiliating day, and at least Lili accepts my embarrassing outburst with love and light.
It’s silly. I’ve always been the grownup who never faced heartbreaks… until now. But I know I don’t have to be strong or prideful with her. I can come apart, and she knows it’ll be the same if things were reversed.
Lili leads me over to a worn corduroy chair, where I sit, exhausted. She moves through the bookshop, locking the door of the store and turning the “Open” sign around to read “Closed.”
“Tea or coffee?” she asks.
“Brandy.”
Lili brings me tea anyway, something bitter and black that she insists will revitalize my soul. All it does is give me goosebumps from the sharp taste, but at least it’s hot. Inside, I’m so cold, and it helps. A little, at least.
She drags another chair over, ignoring the way it scrapes across the floor. “It’s the boy, isn’t it?”
I groan. “It doesn’t help when you call him a boy. How about man?” Lili doesn’t answer, looking at me over the rim of her teacup, and I relent. “Fine. Yes. I fucked up withthe boy.”
“Well, go on. Do tell.”
I hesitate, biting my bottom lip. I don’t want to relive it all, but if Lili is going to give me advice, then I need to be completely honest. Closing my eyes, I launch into the entire story, from arriving at my office to find Andries all the way to my confrontation with Elise. Lili makes noises of agreement as shelistens, grabbing me a handful of tissues when I get choked up again, and even refilling my awful tea. This time there are two sugar cubes dissolving in the black void of it, and I’m thankful.
“If you had been truthful at first, this would have never happened, but it seems like you would have never had Andries, either.”
“I know,” I say. “He pursued me so intently. I never thought he’d be so anti-sex work that it’d make him so horrified by what I do for a living, but it became all too clear as we got serious. I had already dug my grave and there was no way out.”
“This was inevitable,” Lili says sagely. “It was headed for disaster from the start.”
“I know,” I repeat, sighing miserably.
“So, you need to let this go. It was beautiful while it lasted, but it’s over now.”
“You don’t understand, though. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel about Andries. What if I never find that kind of love again?”
Lili lays a hand on my knee. “Maybe he was just a part of your life to open up your heart for that kind of love. Now you know that it’s possible, you’ll be ready for it with the right person. Someone who will love you just as you are, not as some idealized version of you.”
“I just can’t imagine ever feeling the same for another person…”
“Then just be with yourself, Roxie. Love yourself, and before you know it, you’ll feel better again.”
I tap my nails against the ceramic cup, trying to imagine how my days will move forward from here, and it all just feels like static. “You know the stupid thing? I actually felt for a moment that he was right. That my business, the one I’ve built so carefully, really is despicable. I feltashamed. Why would I feel shame for not only building a business to keep my bills paidand stomach full but doing the same for other girls that would have been left destitute if not? I can’t help it though. Every time I think of his face in my office, twisted in disgust, I feel that little twinge of shame again.”
“I won’t pretend to like your business, Roxie, but up until now, it’s something you’ve been proud of. Don’t tie yourself up in knots just to please someone that isn’t going to be with you now either way.”
“Hmm,” I sigh, lost for words. At least, I feel slightly better, now that I had emptied out all of my troubles in front of my sister, but there’s a hollow emptiness left behind that I know I won’t be able to fill anytime soon.
“We don’t have to talk about this anymore,” Lili offers. “Do you have any plans for New Year’s Eve? Why don’t you come to stay with Mama and me? It will be like old times!” She scoots closer to the edge of her chair so we’re closer, reaching out to take my hands in hers. “You don’t need to be alone.”
