AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“No. Yesterday, I allowed a man—three, actually—to touch me. To kiss me. To spank me.” Grinding my teeth, I staunch the embarrassment over the next part. “I enjoyed it. I liked being intimate with men who were there for my pleasure, not their own. I like that they wanted to share me. But that’s not the worst part?”
“How so?” I hear the shock in his voice, and I debate running away.
“The worst of it is, I want more from them. I want to do so much more. To explore what they awoke inside of me. But I’ve always wanted to give that part of myself to my future husband.”
“Who’s to say it’s not one of them?”
“They couldn’t possibly want me. I’m the dingy girl living in poverty who gets molested by her father and uncle. I’m disgusting. What could they possibly want from me? How could they want anything more than a sexual encounter from the likes of me?” I don’t expect an answer from him. He couldn’t possibly have one.
“Abilene.” Father Marcum’s use of my name brings my head up, and I glance at him through the screen. Despite the barrier between us, the look in his eyes is discernable. I witness it often enough to recognize it.
Pity.
All anyone ever feels for me is pity.
Because I’m the pathetic Bondar girl everyone knows is being abused but no one has ever stood up for, and I think, for once, I finally understand. I know what I must do. What I should have done years ago, and now that I recognize it for the first time, it’s so clear. Like melting snow in the lakes surrounding our beautiful city.
“The only sin I can speak to you committing is the suicide attempt, and that wasn’t even a conscious decision. What is it you want from life, Abilene?” His question gives me pause, and I think.
“I’m not sure…at least, not yet. I’ve never been given the chance to make a choice about anything. I’ve always been told what to do and where to go. Church is my only reprieve from the horrors of my life.” Saying that out loud gives me a sense of clarity.
“You say you don’t think these men want you for more than a sexual encounter. Have you asked them about that? Have you wondered about the possibility of there being more out there for you and that they could possibly be the ones to provide you with it?” I hadn’t.
“Isn’t it a sin, in any case? More than one man. Surely, God wouldn’t approve.”
“God would approve of your happiness. He would approve of your desire to love and be loved. He would approve if you lived a life of meaning and chose to love yourself and provide a stable and welcoming home for your family. And isn’t that all anyone truly wants?”
It’s like he plucked every fear and doubt from my mind that I was too afraid to express. It doesn’t make everything better, but it gives me a sense of peace that I’ve been missing. “Thank you, Father Marcum.”
“You’re welcome, Abilene. But you should know you have nothing to be forgiven for. If anything,youshould seek out expressions of regret from those who have wronged you.” He pauses for a moment as if to gather his thoughts. “Learning to forgive yourself is the first step to moving forward. In accepting that you’ve done no wrong is where you’ll find your strength.”
* * *
Levan
Father Marcum’s voice fills the SUV through the speaker on my phone. When I called him from the store while I was paying, he was against breaching her privacy. Though, after I explained that Abilene was in a depressive state and we just wanted to help her, he reluctantly agreed.
Listening to her confess her sins to this man is wildly different than when she confessed them to me, unknowing of who I was. I was there to help her in another capacity at the time, but now, I’m listening as her lover. Her potential soulmate. And hearing the way she thinks of herself infuriates me, not because it’s how she feels but because it’s how the world has made her feel, and I fucking hate it.
“She sounds like she’s dying inside,” Zak mutters from the rear seat, his head hanging low.
“One week,” I tell them. “Her father and uncle have one more week on this earth. Make a plan; we’ll execute it. But that’s all they get.” I haven’t been so invigorated to commit murder since taking out the men who killed my sister. This is ten times more important, though, because at least Yelena received the mercy of death. Abilene is left to live with the nightmares inside her mind.
“We need to inform her of our intentions today, as well,” Val says while gripping the steering wheel so tightly that it creaks under his strength while trying to contain his own anger. “We can’t allow her to live in a world of doubt where we’re concerned. She must know she’s ours.”
On that, we all can agree.
“Mr. Tsiklauri, are you there?” Father Marcum’s voice is hushed.
“We’re here, Father.”
“We?”
“Valerian and Zakar are with me.”
He clears his throat. “Ah, I see. So they are who else she was talking about, then.” He doesn’t wait for an answer. “Abilene is special. She’s selfless and likely won’t tell you what she’s thinking for fear of punishment until she feels secure in her place. Don’t hesitate to let her know where she belongs. I fear she won’t last long if you do.”
“Thank you, Father. And I’m sorry to put you in this position.”
