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I sift her hair with my fingertips before bringing my mouth down on hers and kissing her once more. Before I was with Lainey and got to know her, I used to think some things were impossible. Being with Lainey, though, I feel like everything is within reach, that anything is possible. She sees things for me that I don’t see for myself, and I don’t know whether to be terrified by the optimism she brings to my life or just thank the heavens she’s giving me this kind of hope when it’s so much more than I deserve.
***
A few days after Glenoffered me a position in his company, I go to the bank on my lunch break to talk to an account manager. I haven’t quit my job at Eagle Eye Security yet, but after talking to Lainey, I want to work for Glen. Which is why I’ve decided to put my savings in a long-term deposit account that will start accruing me some extra interest. It won’t compensate for the thousands of dollars less each year the new job will pay me, but it will help.
After completing all the paperwork, I walk out of the bank and find Amber standing beside my bike.
“Hi, Ben.”
Her fingers twist together as she looks at me, her voice soft and hesitant. She looks just the same—big blue eyes, long blonde hair, and generous tits I enjoyed doing all kinds of things to when we were together. She was high end, and she still is. Everything on her is designer. She’s probably wearing clothes that cost more than I make in a month.
“I saw your bike here and I... I had to stop.”
“I’ve got places to be, Amber.”
“Just five minutes. Surely you can spare me five minutes. I’m not suggesting we go get coffee or—”
“Good, because we have nothing to talk about.”
“We used to be friends.”
“We were never friends.”
Not the way Lainey and I are.
“You still hate me.”
“That’s the last thing I feel for you, and you know it.”
“The way you look at me...”
I can hear the tears in her voice, and maybe I should feel moved, or something, but I don’t. This is how fucked up she has me. I don’t feel anything when I look at her except anger. Anger that I was never enough. No matter how hard I tried to please her, or how much time I spent with her, or how much money I spent on her, she wanted something—someone—else.
“Are you... are you seeing anyone?” she asks.
Briefly, I consider telling her I’m with Lainey, but Lainey and I aren’t going to last. Not when I can’t give her the relationship and love she’s always wanted. My failure to please Amber is why I’ll never have a relationship again. Maybe if I wasn’t such a screw-up...
“No.”
“That’s too bad, Ben.”
“What did you expect? You know I’m still in love with you.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Don’t tell me what I mean.”
“My family misses you. I miss you, too. You never come around for dinner anymore. I wish there was some way we could go back in time and fix everything.”
“Well, that’s not going to happen, is it?”
Even if we could go back in time, I couldn’t make Amber stay with me. I couldn’t make her love me. And if I could, there’d be every possibility that Lainey would still be with Lucas. Lainey would still be trying to please the guy. The thought of the two of them back together is like a Taser to my chest.
I’ve tried not to dwell on the fact that the party at Cass’s place is this weekend. Standing in front of my ex-girlfriend now, however, it’s impossible to put off thinking about it any longer. Saturday night, Lainey is going to come face to face with Lucas again—the man she’s still in love with. What are the chances she won’t look at him and compare the two of us? How likely is it really that she won’t see him and think about how much she misses him, and how much she wishes she was still with him?
“Ben—”
“I can’t do this, Amber.”
I walk away without saying another word. Lainey’s feelings for Lucas might be the only reason we’ve been able to make the sexual component of our friendship work for us, but right now I can’t help wishing Lainey was over that arsehole. My time with Lainey is limited, and I’m going to have to spend Saturday witnessing how much she loves the guy. That thought is depressing enough without spending another minute with the woman who broke my heart.
