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“No! I’m just letting you know. Lucas and Lainey have been able to mend some bridges, and I’m happy for them.”
The thought that Lucas might have one of the things I’ve valued most these past months—Lainey’s friendship—feels like the knife twisting in my gut. I don’t care how much Lucas regrets what he’s done, or the fact Lainey is over him. I hate the idea of them being friends.
“I know it’s too soon for us,” Amber continues. “And I know it might never happen, but I hope that one day you’ll look at me without that hate in your eyes.”
“You know I don’t hate you.”
“But you’re not in love with me anymore, either, are you?”
My first impulse is to say that I am, because I’ve been saying it for so long that it’s second nature, but it’s not the truth anymore.
“I don’t think so,” I say, taking a seat on the edge of her couch and staring up at her. “I thought I was, but the way I feel about Lainey...”
And the way I’ve felt since Cass’s party, after Lainey ended everything... I’ve never felt so low. So hopeless and despairing. I’ve never missed anyone so much.
Not even Amber.
“Did you know that when you walked into the kitchen at Cass’s with Lainey that night, you didn’t even look at me?” Amber asks. “Your eyes were on Lainey the whole time. And when she hugged Lucas, I thought you were going to explode from anger.”
She’s right. I didn’t think about it at the time, but I didn’t care that Amber was in the kitchen that night. I was focused entirely on how Lainey would react to Lucas.
“I was too busy seeing Lainey with the man who broke her heart and thinking he didn’t deserve her forgiveness or her affection,” I explain.
“Why? She doesn’t need to hold a grudge because she’s over it now,” Amber points out gently before her eyes soften. “Well and truly, considering she’s in love with someone else.”
Just hearing Amber mention Lainey’s feelings for me makes my chest feel tight. Then I remember Lainey is moving on, and the tightness worsens to the point where it hurts to breathe.
“She’s getting over it.”
The words are like sandpaper against my throat.
“You’re a fool to let her. Lainey’s love for you is real. The way she looked ready to tear my head off when I spoke about you that night, the way she dressed up for you, the way she’s gotten over her fear of bikes for you.” Amber walks up to me until she’s standing about a foot in front of me. “Don’t you want to know what it would be like to be with someone who loves you? Someone who isn’t in love with someone else? You deserve to be happy, Ben.”
Of course Lainey dressed up for me that night. I didn’t realise it at the time—hadn’t even put it together until now. It’s just one more way I screwed up and hurt her.
I shake my head. “I’m terrified of letting her down, of failing her and not making her happy.”
“Because you think you failed me, but you didn’t, Ben. I never gave you the chance. I couldn’t give you my heart because it belonged to someone else, but Lainey hasn’t held back hers.”
“She deserves someone who’s got their shit together.”
“Then get your shit together. If you don’t snap out of it soon, Lainey is going to move on to someone who is willing to at least pretend they’ve got it together. Do you want to wake up one morning and realise Lainey has moved on and you missed your chance to be with her and be loved by her?”
No.
No, I don’t.
I want to do the right thing, let Lainey go so that she can be with someone who is less of a screw-up than I am. But if I ask myself what I want for myself, it’s Lainey.
Lucas walks in the back door with one litre of milk, looking between Amber and I. “Everything okay in here?”
Amber smiles at him before standing on her tippy-toes to kiss him. I watch them make out, still half-expecting to experience their kiss as a punch to the gut, and it is. But not in the way I expect. It hurts to see them together because it reminds me of what I’m missing out on with Lainey. Every moment with Lainey was special in some way. And I’d do anything for another chance to be in her arms and have her in mine. Anything.
This realisation has me standing up.
Amber and Lucas got their happy ending, but they only made it happen by overcoming their fear of ruining their friendship. If I want my happy ending with Lainey, I need to get over this fear of failing her. Lainey is writing my story, and she’s pairing me with Amber, but my happy ending isn’t with the ex who never loved me. No, it’s with the woman who has been the light in my life for months—the woman who has come to mean as much to me as my mates.
The woman I wish I was holding in my arms and kissing right now.
“I have to go,” I tell Amber and Lucas quickly. “Thanks for the talk,” I say over my shoulder as I jog towards the door.
“Ben!” Amber calls out.
I turn around and see Amber walking out of the house after me. “Sorry, I have somewhere to be.”
I have my answers. I can’t afford to let another second go by without fixing things.
