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Ben
“Ben, come on, man.Open up.”
I glare at the television and try to ignore Seb pounding on my front door. He’s probably come to blast me for not getting back to him about tonight, but I don’t want to go out without Lainey. I won’t be able to stop thinking about the fact she’s not with me.
“If you don’t open up, I’m going to break the fucking door down.”
Grumbling, I put my beer down on the coffee table and walk the few steps from my couch to the front door. Without waiting for me to step aside, Seb barges in the moment the door is open.
“What the fuck?” he says, standing there in the middle of my lounge room, looking more pissed off than I’ve seen him... ever.
Seb is the laid back one of the three of us. Nothing about him screams laid back now, though.
I shut the door behind him and walk back to the couch, picking my beer up off the coffee table before sitting down.
“And you’re drinking alone. Dude, you’re a fucking mess.”
I can’t argue with that. “What’s your point?”
“I thought you’d want to celebrate being done with Eagle Eye Security. I’ve messaged you a hundred times today and you never got back to me.”
“Doesn’t that answer your question?”
“Come on. It’s been two weeks since I saw you at Cass’s party, which you bailed on, by the way. I understand why, but I’ve had a shit week at work and I need someone to yak to. You owe me after all the jabbering I’ve had to put up with from you.”
Damn it, why does he have to pull the mate card on me? I know I owe him. It’s just... the idea of showering and walking out the door feels like a mountain too steep to climb.
“Maybe next week. I’m knackered. I need to catch up on some sleep.”
“You’re not sleeping?”
“Not really.”
For the past two weeks, I’ve been surviving on a handful of hours every night, thanks to the nightmares I keep having about Cass’s party. It’s like I’m living out my own fucking version of Groundhog Day. It doesn’t matter how many times I vary what I say in my dreams, I can’t seem to change the outcome: Lainey still walks away from me.
And I always wake up in a sweat, feeling like my heart has just been cut out of my chest with a rusty blade.
“You need to get your shit together,” Seb says. “You weren’t even this bad when Amber left.”
“Yeah, well, Lainey isn’t Amber.”
“I know, I know. You and Lainey were just friends. You never had a relationship. You’re like a broken record.”
I take a swig of my beer. “I wasn’t going to say that.”
But I can’t blame Seb for jumping to that conclusion. It’s only fair he’s parroting my words back at me so I can hear how stupid they sound. Spending every night with the woman, eating with her, talking with her, caring about her... we weren’t just friends-with-benefits. If we were, I would have been over it already. I wouldn’t be missing her the way I am. I would be sleeping with other women.
The first week without Lainey in my life, I kept busy. I still had too much time to think about Lainey, and about how much I missed her and wanted her back in my life, but I had a purpose that drove me. Now that Glen and I have caught the guys at Alkerman Security and ended their career as petty thieves, however, I have way too much time on my hands. Enough to realise that my non-relationship with Lainey consumed all my spare time, which was how I liked it. We were together, and I hadn’t even realised it.
“I tried to keep it to friendship,” I say. “But both of us got in way deeper than that.”
And I don’t want just our friendship back. I want it all back; everything I lost. I want to be back in her arms and back in her bed. I want to wake up with her, talk to her every night, and take her out to dinner when she wants to try some restaurant that Lucas took her to months ago.
“I never wanted anything other than the chance to love you and have you love me. All I wanted was you.”
When Lainey said those words to me last Sunday, I was so close to damning it all to hell and suggesting we try a relationship. But I was sure I’d be damning her, too, if I did. Lainey deserves better than a loser like me. She’s the best person I know. One day she’ll find happiness with someone who deserves her. That person isn’t me. Like Amber, Lainey is above my station in life. How can I satisfy her when I couldn’t satisfy Amber?
Seb shakes his head. “No shit. Bout time you figured out you and Lainey were in a relationship. Duncan bet me it would be at least another month until you pulled your head out of your arse and realised that.”
