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THIRTY-SIX
Raya
There wasno denying I was sick to my stomach watching them take Cole back to the operating room. I knew he would be okay, even if he did only have one leg, but I still felt for him. I could only imagine what must be going through his head on his way back to have the operation. I might love him regardless of whether he had both legs or not, but I also wasn’t the one who was losing my leg.
I was sure he had to be worried about what life would be like when he woke up, and I hoped the fact that I had come to see him before he went into surgery showed him that I really did care more about him than I did anything else. I wasn’t shallow enough to get hung up with the amputation.
All I wanted was him.
But, those were things he and I could talk about more when he woke up. Right now, he was on his way back to have the surgery, and it was now my job to sit in the waiting room until he was done. I knew it was supposed to be a couple hours, and I wasn’t too happy about that, but I would make do with the time.
Wrenley was good enough to come and give me updates about how things were going back in the OR every half hour or so, and I greatly appreciated that. She was normally a nurse who worked up in the ER, but she had access to get back there if she needed, and she knew how worried I would be about Cole.
I felt we had made real progress, she and I, talking about Cole the other day. I told her just how I felt about him, and while she still didn’t understand how I could feel that way about the guy when he was such an asshole to her, she understood that she didn’t have to agree with my choice in a life partner.
I was free to be with who I wanted, just like she was free to be with whoever she wanted. She knew I was in love with Cole, and since she was my best friend, she did what she could to make sure I was in the loop over what was going on with him during the operation, and how much longer it was supposed to be. The two hours had only been an estimate, and by the time it was all done and over with and I was able to go back and see him, nearly four hours had elapsed.
Every second dragged by, but then, I was practically staring at the clock the entire time he was back there. I refused to let my mind think about the things that could go wrong. I didn’t want to work myself into a panicked frenzy being one of the only people in the waiting room. That was hard for me. It would have been nice to have someone else there to talk to, but Wrenley was doing a great job of stopping in to see how I was doing when she had the chance and making sure I knew things were okay.
I promised myself I would treat her to a spa day when this was all done and over with. She really did prove to me she meant it when she said she was my best friend.
I hadn’t told Harper about the surgery. Shit. I hadn’t even told her about the breakup. It had been just over a week and a half, and I didn’t talk to her regularly enough for me to call her and tell her that he broke up with me. Really, I didn’t want to hear what she had to say about it. She was still with the man she’d lost her virginity to, and while I was so happy for her for that, I didn’t want to be the person in our friend group who lost her V card, then went on to be with someone else.
The entire reason why we had chosen to wait like we did was for the sake of not sleeping around. I never wanted to be the girl who had slept with a lot of men. And, after meeting Cole, I didn’t want to be a girl who had slept with even more than just him. I was certain he was the love of my life, and I didn’t want there to be anyone else.
But, it would have been nice to have Harper here with me during the wait. It wasn’t like there was much for me to do outside of sitting and staring at my phone. The tv was on in the corner of the room, but it was turned down so low I couldn’t hear what was being said, and I wasn’t very interested in the show that was on anyway. I just wanted to get through the day, eager to get back and see Cole as soon as they told me he was awake and able to see me.
Wrenley herself was the one who came to get me, and she warned me to be ready for what I was about to see.
“Surgery like this is pretty tough on the body,” she said. “He’s going to look like he’s been through the wringer. Just treat him like you would any time you saw him and don’t make a big deal about the loss of the leg or the fact that he looks like he does. There’s the chance he can go into shock if we’re not careful, and we don’t want that.”
“Of course not,” I said. “I spent the past few hours bracing for this, so I guess it’s time to put my money where my mouth is, right?”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“Well, I told him he was the one I fell for, not his legs, and now I’m going to go in there and tell him all over again that I don’t give a damn that he has cancer. I don’t care if he has one leg or no legs. I fell in love with him, and I want to spend my life with him. For better or worse.”
“Wow,” Wrenley said. “Sounds to me like you’ve given this some serious thought. That’s almost wedding vow status there.”
“I would marry him in a heartbeat,” I replied. “I’m telling you, this man is the love of my life, and I don’t care what we have to go through. Life is full of trials, and I’m not going to let something like this be the reason he and I don’t spend our lives together. I understand he thinks he’s going to be a burden to me if he only has one leg, but I’m going to make it clear to him he’s not. He could never be.”
“I think that’s just what he needs to hear right now,” Wrenley said.
At that moment, we reached the doorway of one of the patient’s rooms, and I stepped inside. Cole was lying on the bed, and he really did look like he had been through hell itself. His eyes were closed, and I was glad he was resting, but I had to admit, I was taken with the sight of him as soon as I walked into the room.
It was obvious to me he was missing a leg with the way the sheets were lying over him, but that didn’t affect the way I felt about him. I was flooded with both affection and more love for him than I had felt for anyone else in my entire life. And it had nothing to do with his physical body. All I could think about was the way he looked at me. The way he held me.
The way he showed me he loved me. I had no doubt in my mind that he had fallen for me just the same as I had fallen for him, and I hoped to God he would realize that it had nothing to do with anything but the man he was on the inside. I didn’t care about the leg. All I cared about was us.
We would get through this. We would beat the cancer together, and if we could do that, I knew we could do anything.
Slowly, he opened his eyes, looking around the room with some confusion before he finally settled his gaze on me. It was then that he smiled. It was the first I had seen him smile in a long time, and it melted my heart.
“You weren’t a dream,” he said. “You really did come.”
“Of course I did,” I told him. “I love you, Cole. I told you that. I don’t care if you have both your legs or no legs at all. I fell in love with the man you are on the inside, and that’s not going to change with your body.”
He lifted his hand to me. I could see he was weak, and it was the best he could do to motion me to come to him. He didn’t have to invite me twice. I was careful not to touch anywhere near where his leg had been amputated, and instead sat higher on the bed next to him. I took his hand in mine, holding it clasped between my palms.
