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DAY OF AMPUTATION
Cole
I wasn’tsure if I was ready to say goodbye to having two legs, but there was no turning back now.
I’d made the appointment for the surgery, and I was going through with it that day whether I was ready for it or not. I didn’t want to put it off any longer. I had already dreaded the surgery all week, and, more than that, I had been feeling my leg more than ever.
It throbbed almost all the time now, and it was getting tough to get through the day without stopping to take more pain pills. I hated taking medication, and while I found the pills took the edge off the pain in my leg, I knew it was just a matter of time before I would have to take more, and I hated that.
It was expensive, and it didn’t last. Not to mention the fact it was so easy to get addicted to pain pills, I didn’t want to be another statistic. I was already dealing with so much in my head, to think of throwing a battle with medication on top of it was enough to push me over the edge. I wouldn’t let that happen. I would rather suffer through the pain of dealing with this unmedicated than dealing with an addiction.
But, as I sat on the bed and waited to go into surgery, I thought about Raya. I missed her. Everything about her. I didn’t regret my choice to break up with her, still confident I had done the right thing, but I still missed her. She had been the most incredible woman I had ever met, and I was sure I would never meet anyone else like her.
I couldn’t see myself ever falling for anyone again. Especially knowing that anyone I was with would have to deal with the fact I was missing a leg. That was something I wasn’t able to let happen. I just wasn’t a person who was able to let myself be a burden to anyone. I didn’t care if they insisted it wasn’t a burden. Facts were facts, and I had a feeling I knew when I was a burden to someone or not.
It wasn’t going to happen with Raya, and I wasn’t going to go out there and find someone else after going through what I did with her. No one else could possibly compare to how perfect she was for me, and I knew it wouldn’t be fair to any other woman to even have her try.
The doctor came in to talk to me about the surgery, and I braced myself as we talked about the gritty details of the amputation. I managed to get through the conversation without freaking myself out too badly, and the doctor gave me a reassuring smile.
“Trust me, this isn’t the first time I’ve done this. You’ll be fine,” he said. “But when I was looking at your file, I realized you don’t have anyone listed to call after you are out of surgery. Did you want to give me a name and number for someone?”
“No,” I said. “I’m okay on my own.”
“Are you sure? We normally like to have an emergency contact of some kind to have on file. Not to be pessimistic, but you know, just in case something happens,” he said.
I nodded, but repeated I was okay with the paperwork the way it was. I thought about Raya when I filled it out in the first place. I considered putting her name and number down so the doctor could call her and tell her about what was going on when I was out of surgery. Perhaps then she would see why I had broken up with her when I did.
It didn’t quite sit right with me the way I had broken up with her without reason. Perhaps Ham was right. Maybe I should have told her about the cancer and given that to her to at least know was the real reason behind why I ended the relationship. It killed me to think that she was blaming herself, but I really couldn’t change that.
There were some things in life I wasn’t able to take back, and that was one of them. Perhaps the day would come when I would see her again and tell her the truth, but I was glad she didn’t have to deal with this right now. I wasn’t sure how I was even dealing with this right now. It seemed so surreal that I was about to have my leg removed, but yet, that’s what was happening.
Part of me wished that I had asked Ham to come with me to the hospital. But, it was a thought that was quickly dismissed. I didn’t need him to come hold my hand through this. I already put him in a tough enough position dumping on him the fact I had cancer and was having my leg removed all in the same conversation.
He hadn’t had any way to prepare for that, and I knew it was a lot for him to take in all at once. But, it was a lot for me to deal with, too, and I wasn’t always able to sugar coat things to make them less harsh to the people I was talking to. There were times when life was just hard, and we all had to deal with it as best we could.
The minutes ticked by, and during that time, the nurses came in and out of my room. They checked on me, making sure I was comfortable as I waited to be taken back to the OR, asking questions about my life and assuring me things were going to work out okay. It seemed pretty easy for any of them to say, considering they weren’t the ones who were about to have a leg removed.
But, I kept my comments to myself. I knew they were just here doing their jobs, and after I had put Wrenley through hell like I had when I was in the ER, I felt I owed it to these nurses to at least be nice to them while they were trying to make my morning better. They were certainly compassionate. I could give them that. Not that it made it any easier for me to cope with the idea I was about to lose my leg.
Still, I was in bed, I had cancer, and I knew there was no turning back now. If I changed my mind at this point, I was dealing with radiation and chemotherapy. I adamantly didn’t want to do either of those. Even to the point I was willing to lose a leg to make sure I didn’t. If my leg was gone, then I removed the problem entirely before it had a chance to become a bigger problem.
With either of the other two methods, there was still the chance for it to spread, and I didn’t want to risk it. I would rather lose a leg now than lose more later. Or, worse, to wind up someone who lost the battle with cancer like my poor mother had years ago. I felt for her now. She had to have been so scared – so sad she was leaving me and my father behind.
“Right this way,” a voice said.
“Thank you,” another voice replied. There was something I recognized about the second voice, but I didn’t have the time to wonder who it was. At the same time she thanked the other woman, Raya walked through the curtain that was separating my room from the hall of the hospital.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, shocked that she was there and not even fully believing it was true. I was on some heavy medication. There was a chance I was just dreaming this, right? But no, she took a step forward, watching me for a moment before rushing to the side of the bed and grabbing my hand.
“I came to wait for you,” she said.
“How did you?” was all I managed to get out before she shook her head and put her hand up to stop me.
“It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I’m here for you. And I will be when you wake up. Don’t worry about a thing,” she said.
“I didn’t want you to see me like this,” I admitted. “That was the only reason why I did what I did. I can’t be a burden to you. To anyone.”
“Cole, I fell in love with you, not with your legs. With or without them, you are the sexiest man alive, and I love you,” she said.
