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“What did Raya say about it?” Ham asked.
I said nothing, and he gave me a hard look.
“You told her, right? You didn’t just break up with her because you thought that was the noble thing to do?” Ham pressed.
“I did the right thing,” I replied. “I’m not going to let her be with me when I’m not a whole man. I can’t drag her through the hardship I’m going to be facing. I just can’t.”
“Don’t you think that’s her decision to make?” Ham asked.
“She’s too good of a woman to leave me if she knew,” I said. “I don’t want her to be with me out of pity. I want her to be with someone who can take care of her. Someone she can be a partner to and have as a partner to her. How is she going to do that if I only have one leg?”
“I still think you ought to tell her and give her the chance to make that choice for herself,” Ham said. “I know you get it in your head you’re being all noble and doing the right thing, but I’m telling you right now you don’t know people. You don’t know she would be with you out of pity any more than you know whether she would take it into consideration at all.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“If she loves you for you, she’s not going to leave you because you’re missing a leg,” Ham said. “You can’t make that choice for her.”
“Well, I already did,” I said. “I broke up with her a few days ago, and I’m sticking with my decision. I have to go in and talk to the doctor about the details that will come with removing my leg, and that’s been taking up my time now. I can’t worry about how she feels about this.”
“But you can break her heart without reason?” Ham asked.
“I have good reason,” I retorted, but he gave me a look that told me he didn’t at all agree with my statement. Of course he didn’t. While he wanted me to be smart about the woman I chose to spend my life with, he didn’t want me to throw away what I had going with this woman I so clearly loved.
But, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I would just be holding her back if she and I stayed together. It wasn’t fair to her.
I had long since decided life wasn’t fair, but I could ease the pain for those I loved.
And this was the best way I could do that. If Raya didn’t know about what I was going through, she wouldn’t be hurt by it. And that was the best thing I could do for her. I could see where Ham was coming from with his concern, but the fact of the matter was that I knew Raya, and I loved her enough to let her go.
Life was hard. There was no doubt about it.
But I was dealing with it. As always, I was dealing.
I knew what I was doing.
