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I felt like I was outside myself, watching me go through the motions of taking the prescription from the doctor and going to the pharmacy, then driving my truck back home. It was like I was hit with the news of having cancer all over again, and I wasn’t sure how to cope with it.
I wanted someone to talk to, but I didn’t want to heap the bad news on Ham or Raya. And I didn’t have a lot of other friends in my life. It came with being the recluse I was, and while I liked it for the most part, it was frustrating when I was dealing with shit like this.
Even still, I wasn’t going to push my problems on anyone else. I could think about this myself and figure out the next move myself. I was already taking care of myself this long, what was another big decision in life?
On my way home, my phone rang. It was the vet, and I silently prayed it would be good news. I could really use some good news to counter what I had been dealing with so far that day. I braced myself, however, forcing myself to have no expectations when I answered.
“And this is about Maveric,” I said after exchanging pleasantries. “How are we looking with the infection?”
“That’s what I needed to talk to you about,” the vet said. “It’s spread. To even have a prayer of dealing with it, we would have to take his leg. As you know, horses don’t do well with three legs.”
“Right,” I said. I was cussing up a storm in my head, infuriated with life for throwing me another curve ball. Maveric wasn’t my horse, so I wasn’t able to tell the vet what to do next. But, he and I both knew that there weren’t really any other options. If he didn’t put Maveric down now, Maveric would suffer until he died a slow and painful death from the infection. That was cruel and inhumane. I wasn’t going to put him through that. I just wasn’t.
But, I still had to talk to his owner before we went any further.
“Let me give the owner a call and talk to them about what they want to do,” I said. “Hopefully they will be understanding about this situation.”
“Hopefully. I hate situations in which it is in the animal’s best interest to be put down, but that is really something we are looking at with this horse. He’s not going to be able to stand on that leg for much longer, and his quality of life is going to plummet as soon as he can’t walk. I would rather take care of him now before he is in that kind of pain and frustration,” the vet said.
“I agree,” I replied. “But again, I have to talk to the owner before I can tell you what to do with him.”
“I’ll be waiting for your reply,” the vet said.
I hung up and tried to get a hold of Maveric’s owner. I dreaded this conversation as much as I had been dreading the conversation with the doctor, then the vet. It was a day of just shitty news, and I had no idea how the owner was going to respond.
They had been very clear that I could keep the horse for as long as it took to get him trained, but that wasn’t forever. I had to let them know there wasn’t anything else we could do for him, and we had to put him down. It was the bleakest outcome for the situation, but it was also the most humane for the horse.
I had seen horses that lost the ability to use a leg, and it was a very sad sight to see.
With all the spirit Maveric had since the day he arrived on my ranch, I didn’t want to do that to him. I didn’t care that he was the one that broke my leg. In fact, I could almost thank him for doing that to me now as it got me into the doctor and caught the cancer early.
In a way, I could credit Maveric with saving my life.
And now I had to make the decision to end his. That is, if I could get a hold of the owner.
The phone dropped the call at first, and I once again swore under my breath as I redialed the number and tried again. It was then that the robotic voice on the other end of the line picked up.
“The number you have dialed has been disconnected…”
“Fuck!” I shouted, throwing my phone on the seat next to me. That was the only way I had to get in touch with the owner, and a disconnected number could mean a variety of things. I didn’t have time to deal with this shit. I had to get the vet an answer for the good of Maveric.
Shit, I had to figure out what I was going to do with my own health.
My father often said when it rained, it poured, and I was certain that saying had never been truer than it was right now. I didn’t think I could stand one more setback. It was all coming down on me now, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
I just knew I had to talk to Raya. I had to at least protect her from knowing any of this as best as I could. I didn’t want her to experience this same pain and frustration. I just didn’t.
But I knew even that was going to break my heart.
But, it was the right thing to do. I was certain of that. She deserved someone who could take care of her. Someone who could keep up with her. Not a man who only had one leg and battled cancer. I couldn’t do that to her. Knowing her, she would probably argue with me, so I would have to be an asshole about the breakup.
I just hoped she didn’t take it too hard.
Because God only knew how the thought of losing her was breaking my own heart right now.
But what other choice did I have?
