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My mind was going a mile a minute, and my chest felt tight. The doctor’s voice was on the other end of the line, but he sounded like he was a million miles away and shouting at me through water. I could barely make out what he was saying, and my mind refused to cooperate.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come in now?” he was asking. “We have options to discuss, and I would rather talk about them with you before you are able to come up with all kinds of internet solutions that won’t lead you anywhere good.”
“No, I’m okay,” I said. “Just a little shocked by the information, but nothing too bad. I’ll make a point of coming in on Monday. I’ve got plans tonight, and it’s just not going to work for me to come in.”
We set the time for me to head into the office for my appointment, then I hung up the phone. My mind was still spinning, and I couldn’t settle on any single thing. I suddenly didn’t care that much about tidying up the place. All I could think about was Raya and what she would say when she found out about my diagnosis.
I didn’t want to ruin the night with that, but there was something that told me I was obligated to tell her. Or was I? She should know if she was going to date me. But then, we weren’t exactly dating yet. I could still keep it under the radar and see how my treatment went before I talked to her about what we were doing next.
I just knew I had to remain calm, and I had to shove this down if I was going to make it through the night without breaking down and telling her. She knew me well enough to be able to read my moods, I knew that, and I had a feeling she would be able to tell if I was holding something back from her.
I could always tell her it was private, but that wasn’t the way to build trust.
If we were going to be a couple, she deserved to know the big things that were going on in my life, and she definitely deserved to know if she was going to commit to being with me. It was asking a lot of her, I knew that. To be together meant in sickness and in health in my mind, and it killed me to think that I would be the one who was sick,
And how could I ask her to be with me when I knew I had the same illness that took my mother from me at such a young age? It didn’t seem fair. It wasn’t fair to me. It wasn’t fair to either of us. But what was I to do about it? Few things knocked me off my feet like this, but now that it did, I wasn’t sure what to do.
I shoved all thoughts of cancer down, however, when Raya pulled up out front. I wasn’t going to ruin the night with that. I wanted to have her one last time, then I would tell her that it just wasn’t going to work out with my health and her life being what it was. She deserved someone who could keep up with her, not someone she had to take care of day and night.
And for what? It could very well be the end.
“Hey, glad you made it,” I said when I let her in through the door. I kissed her, then she looked around the house with wide eyes.
“I like it,” she said. “I wasn’t expecting anything so well decorated. You have good taste.”
“Thanks,” I said. “Not bad for a bachelor, huh?”
“It’s really not,” she replied. “I do like it.”
“I’m glad.” I smiled at her, but perhaps my eyes lingered on her a bit too long. She looked at me with an inquisitive look on her face.
“Is everything ok?” she asked.
“I just want to hold you,” I told her, stepping forward and taking her in my arms. “If that’s okay with you.”
“It’s definitely okay with me,” she said, rising to the tips of her toes and pressing her lips against mine. I knew she would be happy to get intimate with me. The sex we had was explosively good, and I knew we both shared that sentiment.
And, with her lips pressed against mine, I was able to dismiss all thoughts of cancer out of my brain. It wouldn’t change anything, but I felt I deserved some time without thinking about it. I just wanted to get lost inside Raya. I wanted to feel all the things I felt when I was buried inside her.
I wanted her to take all the worry I had and make it disappear, which she did with just her presence. I knew I was deeply in love with this woman, and I knew it was going to break my heart telling her that we weren’t meant to be. I couldn’t do that to her. I just couldn’t.
But I could have her tonight. I could shove all those thoughts out of my brain and just enjoy the moment with her. I could get lost in the here and now and let tonight last for eternity in my brain. It’s all I really wanted to do, and now that she was here, I could make it happen.
I picked her up, kissing her passionately before setting her down and leading her to the bedroom.
Raya was nearly giddy by the time she jumped onto my bed, thrilled just to be here and with me. And, in the moment, that’s all I cared about, too.
As I climbed into bed with her and the clothing came off, I kissed her tenderly.
This was all I wanted in the world. Just her. Just us.
And now that may never happen.
