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17
Lucas
Alexis texted saying she was still at her mom’s house and asked me to drop Lizzy off there, so that’s where I’m headed. Her mom, not mine. Lizzy’s chattering nonstop, and it helps to distract me from the nervousness of what I’m about to do. I’ve been a coward. I haven’t been able to bring myself to contact Lillian or…fuck, what do I call her now? Still Mom? Or Frances? Mrs. Wright? This is so hard, but I need to man up. The man I’m trying to become needs to stop slinking around like a dog with its tail between its legs and take ownership of their actions. They deserve so much more than an apology, but since I can’t change anything that happened, an apology will have to do.
“Daddy, you’re not listening to me.”
“Sorry, Black Sam. What were you saying?”
Earlier today, we went to the pirate park playground, so for today, she insists I call her Black Sam. It won’t last. The next time I see her, she’ll be back to insisting I call her flutterby. Sucking air through my nose, I concentrate on the road before me. I don’t want to think of scheduled visits, of time I miss with my family. I miss the time everything was right, natural, when the three of us were a unit instead of this broken thing I’ve forced us into becoming.
“I think my picture’s dry.”
“I’m sure it is.” After I hustled Lizzy from the playground, we went to Chicki’s Paint Shop. Lizzy pouted for a while, clearly not ready to leave, but I couldn’t stand to be there a moment longer. The lingering looks I got from some of the women watching their kids made my skin crawl. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when a woman came up to me to introduce herself. I recognized that look on her face, and I couldn’t get out fast enough. I know it’s ridiculous, but I only had my first session this week, and everything feels raw and bruised inside. Time, I need to give myself time, is what my therapist stressed. This is a long-distance race, not a sprint.
It didn’t take Lizzy long to get over her disappointment. In fact, it disappeared the moment we entered Chicki’s, and she realized we were going to paint.
“Where are you going to put it?” She drew me a beautiful picture of what she said was a horse galloping across a meadow. It looks a bit like a caterpillar with its six legs, but who am I to judge?
“I’m going to put it on my fridge, right in the middle.”
“You have a fridge?” Her frown is immediate. She’s accepted that I’m not living at home till my work is done, but she’s struggling with the thought that I live somewhere else while doing it. In her mind, all I should be doing is working until I’m back home. My heart aches at what I’m putting my little girl through.
“Yes, but it’s a tiny one. Just big enough to last till I’m back home.” I’m hoping if I say it enough it will eventually come true.
She nods as if it makes complete sense. I haven’t taken her to Eric’s place yet. She’ll have more questions than what I want to answer, and as I said, I’m a coward.
“Grandma!” she exclaims when we turn into the driveway of what feels like my second home. Both Alexis and Lillian’s cars are parked outside the garage, so I know everyone who matters is here. I drag my feet as I follow Lizzy through the front door and into the house. She makes a beeline for the kitchen, which has been the unofficial gathering place for as long as I’ve been part of this family.
I hang back while Lizzy gets hugs and kisses from everyone, feeling like an intruder for the first time since I’ve stepped foot into this house. I might as well be invisible with all the attention I’m getting, but it gives me time to shore up my courage.
By the time the TV’s on and Lizzy’s out of hearing range, happily munching on a bowl of cereal, I’m so tightly coiled with tension I’m practically vibrating.
Standing in front of them, knowing the words I’m about to say, is so far out of my comfort zone, makes me want to curl up and die with shame. Their eyes are focused on me, each one burning with a different emotion.
“I owe each and every one of you an apology.” I force myself to meet their gazes, my eyes lingering on Alexis the longest. “You have taken me in, accepted me as one of your own with open arms, and made me a part of your family. And I betrayed you. Betrayed the trust you’ve placed in me.”
I focus my gaze on Frances, and I have to blink rapidly when I see the tears in her eyes. Never did I ever think I would be the cause of her tears. Happy tears, yes, but tears of sorrow? Never.
“When I met you, I didn’t have a mother, but within days you became that to me. For thirteen years, I’ve loved, cherished, and appreciated you. To my dying day, I will regret letting you down.”
“Lillian.” I don’t see tears in her eyes, but there’s plenty of anger. I can understand that. I hurt not only her sister but them all. I swallow heavily, but power on. I need to get this all out while I still have the courage. “Growing up, I always wished I had a brother or sister. I often imagined what it would be like. You showed me. You showed me how they can annoy you, frustrate you, but also how they can make you laugh, make you happy. And how you can still love them, through all the good times and the bad. I’m so fucking sorry for letting you down.”
“Alexis.” I take a deep breath, and with everything I have in me, I will her to see the truth of my words. “I know I’ve apologized, and if I have to, I’ll apologize every day for the rest of my life. I know it’s just words, but I’ll live them every day. Even if you never take me back, I’ll still live them. The day I met you, I knew you were it for me, and that still holds true. There will never be another.” I want to scream, rant, and rave at myself when I see the disbelief in her eyes. When we met, she had no faith in relationships, and I gladly took up the challenge, working every day to prove to her that I could be trusted. And when she fell? It was glorious and beautiful. She gave me her trust without hesitation and reservation. And like the biggest idiot known to man, I destroyed it, single-handedly tearing it down. I gave up the right to her trust, but I know, right down to the deepest part of me, that I can win it back again. Losing is not an option.
The heavy silence that follows my words makes my shoulders fall. What was I expecting? For them to embrace me with open arms? Clarity hits me, and I know that, without them, this is what my future will look like. Silent, empty. They are my family, and I don’t want any other.
I nod my head, looking down at the floor. “Right. I’ve said what I needed, and I hope that with time I’ll be able to earn your forgiveness.” I turn, the weight of my sins resting heavily on my shoulders. The urge to get out of there and lose myself in a bottle of whatever alcohol I can get the quickest is strong, but I’m not going to. I’m done with that.
“Lucas,” Frances’ voice is soft, filled with sorrow, but it stills me in my tracks. I wait, but after a few beats of silence, I force myself to keep moving. My hand on the doorknob, I freeze when I hear a sob coming from the kitchen, followed by the sound of a chair scraping.
I did this. I brought pain to this family.
***
Alexis
The house is quiet when I let myself in, sweaty from my run. Lizzy is with Mom, and Lucas will pick her up for an early dinner before bringing her home. I miss having the freedom to do my early morning runs, where everything is still quiet and fresh, but since Lucas has moved out, I can’t do that anymore. I have to run when I get a gap. While running, my disastrous outing with Christian kept replaying in my head. Why does it feel like I can’t catch a break? It’s not like I’m a social butterfly, always out on the town, so why did the universe decide to shit on me by letting me bump into Lucas the one time I decide to go out? It irritates the hell out of me.
