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Lucas: Fuck, please baby, please, please, please just talk to me. I love you so much and I’m so fucking sorry. I know you’re hurting right now, but if you’ll just talk to me I know I can make it better
At this point, all I can do is reach out and hope that she’ll take pity on me and respond.
***
Alexis
It’s still early when I wake. For one tiny moment—that tiny moment that lingers between sleep and wakefulness—I feel peace, but then the reality of the past few days crashes over me. The force of it is so heavy that I’m left gasping for breath. Shoving the covers off of me, I scramble out of bed but still when I see Lizzy sprawled out. Her face is peaceful, blissful in her ignorance. The need to gather her to me and squeeze her as hard as I can is almost overwhelming. I want to curl around her and protect that innocence for as long as I can. I’m hurting now, and as much as I wish I could spare her hurt, I know I can’t. It’s not just my life that’s going to change. It’s hers as well, and I hate him for it. I hate that he’s made me helpless and for what he’s doing to me, but more than that, I hate what he’s done to Lizzy. Clenching my fists, I leave her and head to the kitchen. Grabbing a cup of coffee, I head out to the porch. It’s early enough that I can see the sunrise. My eyes feel heavy and gritty with lack of sleep and too much wine, but at least the coffee is helping a bit. I’m on my second cup when I hear Lizzy’s voice from inside.
“Mom!”
“I’m out here, baby.”
She comes stumbling out the door, her eyes barely open and her hair a mess. I barely have enough time to put my cup down before she’s climbing on my lap. Kissing her on her nose, I tickle her side, cutting her off mid-yawn.
“How did you sleep?”
“Good.” We snuggle for a bit, enjoying the quiet. It’s going to be a scorcher today, but for now, there’s a cool breeze blowing.
“Can we go to the beach?”
“We sure can. But I think first we should go see some dolphins and sea lions. What do you think?” I ask, ruffling her hair.
“Really? They have those here?”
“Uh-huh,” I hum. “And they do shows and everything. There are even parrots and crocodiles and turtles and sharks.” Her eyes get wider and wider as I list off all the options.
“Can we go now?”
“As soon as we can get you dressed and put some food in your tummy. Would you like some leftover pizza?” I know I’m being a bad Mom. I should make her something healthy to eat, but we’re enjoying a mini holiday, so I don’t feel too bad. Besides, I honestly can’t be bothered right now. She hops off my lap and races inside to get dressed. I’m dragging while she’s a little hurricane that hardly touches ground, but I get myself somewhat presentable while she’s scarfing down warmed-up leftover pizza. My aim for the day is to be so busy that when nighttime comes, I’ll be exhausted and hopefully be able to have a full night’s sleep. With that in mind, we head off to the Theatre of the Sea.
Come evening I’m exhausted. Despite myself, I had fun. We got thoroughly soaked watching the dolphin show, fed the fish at the lagoon, and watched parrots do tricks and math. After watching all the shows on offer, we had lunch at the café before heading off to Founders Park, where we spent the rest of the day on the playground and beach. I mostly managed to suppress my feelings by keeping busy and concentrating on Lizzy, making sure she was having fun, but I could feel them lingering on the edges, just waiting to rush in and suffocate me. When we got back, we went for a dip in the pool, and now I’m busy going through emails while Lizzy’s coloring. She’s exhausted from our busy day, and I can see she’s not going to last long. I’ve been nursing the same glass of wine for the last half hour because I’m determined not to have a repeat from last night. No crying at the moon for me tonight.
I pause when I see an email from Layla Davis, the boutique lady from LA, requesting available dates to meet up with Lillian and me.
I bite my lip while I stare at my laptop screen. I’m torn. I know this is a huge opportunity for us, but my life is such a mess right now. Do I really want to take on such a huge responsibility at this stage?
But then I think of Lillian and her excitement when I told her about it, and I feel selfish. This has the potential to impact both of our lives. It wouldn't be fair to her if we didn't at least listen to what Layla has to say.
Taking the plunge, I forward the message to Lillian, asking her to take care of it.
