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“Morning, Mommy.” Lizzy sings, her tiny little body hitting the back of my legs and her arms wrapping around me as she clings to me. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes tight.
“Morning, baby. Did you sleep okay?” I try, but I can feel my smile is stiff as I crouch down and hug her. She doesn’t seem to notice that the hug is a bit tighter than normal. For her, it is just another morning. For me, this is the morning I know will change the rest of my life.
“I did.” She nods vigorously. “I dreamt I was a butterfly princess in the Kingdom of…” her voice trails off, her brow furrowing as she tries to come up with a name. I see Lucas’s feet as he comes into the bathroom, but I ignore him, not taking my eyes off Lizzy. “…of flower land,” she says proudly.
I ignore his chuckle because if I don’t, I’ll shout at him to shut the fuck up. He doesn’t deserve to laugh. He doesn’t deserve to be happy when he’s stolen all the laughter from my life. “Oh, that sounds magical,” I choke out past my dry throat. Somehow, I even manage to keep my stiff smile in place. “And what all did you do in flower land?”
She shrugs, her mind already spinning to the next thing. “Just butterfly stuff. What’s for breakfast?”
“Just cereal this morning.” I get up, the heaviness in my legs making me feel seventy instead of thirty-three. “Daddy will get you some.” My eyes finally meet his, and I don’t know what he sees there, but his smile drops. He’s the first one to look away, and his eyes drop to his phone. His body stiffens, but they stay glued to his phone. It’s such a small, innocent-looking thing. But it wields the power of an atomic bomb, blowing my world to pieces and leaving ash in its wake.
“I’m late and I need to get dressed real quick. Go with daddy,” I urge Lizzy and she happily skips to him, grabbing his hand.
“Come, Daddy, I’m really hungry.”
I see him hesitate, so I pick up his phone and hand it to him. I’m proud of myself for keeping my hand steady. Even when his hand touches mine, I don’t flinch. When I can no longer hear their footsteps, I turn back to the sink and rest my weight on my hands, my shoulders slumping. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do now. How do I face him? I know he’s going to give Lizzy her breakfast and come right back, but I need time—time to think and plan and figure out what I’m going to do.
Whirling around, I shut and lock the bathroom door. I don’t even wait for the water to warm up before I jump in the shower. Sure enough, it’s not even five minutes when I hear the doorknob rattle.
“Alexis.” I hear him calling through the door, but I ignore it, pretending I can’t hear. “Come on, baby. Open the door,” he says a bit louder.
Please baby…
My teeth grit, and I don’t answer. He won’t push it because he won’t want to answer any questions Lizzy might have.
I hear a thunk against the door, the sound a head makes when it hits something. What I wouldn't give to be the one doing the thunking right now. The silence stretches, and after what feels like an eternity, I hear his retreating footsteps. I linger in the shower, taking my time. Only when I know he's done getting dressed and it's almost time for Lizzy to leave, do I turn off the shower.
The hot water has long since run out, and I am cold and wrinkled like a prune by the time I get out, but at least I'm scrubbed clean of all traces from last night.
I don’t want to see him or talk to him, but there’s no way I’ll let Lizzy go to school without saying goodbye. I can hear them murmuring in Lizzy’s room, so I quickly throw on a business suit and heels. Twisting my hair up, I secure it in a bun and grab my purse and makeup bag. Makeup will have to wait till I get to the boutique.
My mind reels as I walk down the passage to Lizzy’s room, my footsteps echoing the thump of my heart and marching me to my doom.
His stare burns into me as I make my way into her room, but I focus all my attention on Lizzy.
“I have to go to work. You,” I say, booping her nose, “have an awesome, fantastic day.”
Lucas reaches out to me, mouthing my name, but I back away, shaking my head.
If he touches me now, it will shatter this numbness I’m feeling, and I will break. I will punch him, scream at him, and no matter how much I want to, I can’t. Not in front of Lizzy. For now, I have to stay strong and keep up the pretense that everything is okay. So instead, I walk out without saying a word.
