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“No.. um.. well. No, but I think it might be for the best if you and I stop seeing each other for now. I think I have things to sort out with Rachel. It’s clear our marriage isn’t as over as I thought it was.”
Casey felt herself breaking inside. This was what happened when she allowed herself to feel for someone.
“Did you plan this?” she asked.
“I wasn’t planning this,” Amira told her. “She showed up at my house yesterday crying and begging me to try to work things out again and I just—I mean, we aren’t doing that, but she is really really upset and I just feel like I owe it to her to work through what is going on for her.”
“Do you feel guilty?” Casey asked her.
“Yes,” Amira said. “Guilty for not wanting to be with her and guilty for what I am doing to you.” It was the first time Casey had seen Amira’s lovely dark hair look messy. Her eyes were red from crying and she looked tired. Casey had never wanted her more. She was so beautiful.
“I love you, you know,” Casey said quietly, her words full of depth and feeling.
Amira’s face froze and tears fell again from her big dark eyes.
“I can’t, Casey. I just can’t right now. I need to help her. She needs me now. I’m sorry. It was a twenty-year relationship,” Amira sniffled. “I just feel like I owe it to her—”
“You don’t owe anyone any fucking thing,” Casey had snapped. “She’s selfish. You know she always has been through your relationship and again now. You are such a kind and giving person, Amira. Don’t let her take advantage of your lovely heart. Your happiness is important too. Whatyouwant is important too.”
“I’m sorry,” Amira sobbed as she shrunk back into herself and pushed the door closed. Tears were flooding down her cheeks. “I have to go. I can’t do this right now.”
Casey stood holding the flowers still shellshocked by the closed door and Amira. How could she let herself be used again by Rachel for her own selfish needs?
Casey wasat work when Amira swanned in four days later. She had been off sick and she hadn’t contacted Casey at all personally. Casey hadn’t chased her. Amira clearly needed time and space to figure out what she wanted. Casey hoped it would be her, but with every day that passed she felt that hope ebbing away.
Amira headed up the meeting in the boardroom. Casey watched as Amira set her computer up with screen on the wall. She looked thinner and tired but somehow, still immaculate. Her makeup was perfect, her hair was perfect, she still looked beautiful, just not quite Amira. Casey had flashbacks of the times they had fucked in the boardroom. How exquisite sex with Amira was. How seeing her discover herself sexually had been such a privilege to be a part of. Yet, this morning, Amira hadn’t even so much as looked at her.
“Right. So sorry for my absence the past couple of days. I want to talk about Janet Rosenburg, the sprinter. I hear she arrived yesterday? Lets go through her scans on the screen here and put together a plan for her rehabilitation.”
Casey felt herself zoning out. Janet’s injury was physical, not mental and as it wasn’t that serious, there was no mention of her doing psychological work with Casey. Amira didn’t bring Casey into the conversation at any point. She didn’t even look at her.
Casey felt herself falling apart inside. She had been so sure that when she had seen Amira, things would be different. All she could assume from this was that Amira and her ex were back together.
She felt herself struggling to breathe.
“Is this room too hot?” she said and everyone looked at her.
“Not really. Are you ok?” asked Alison the orthopaedic assistant.
Casey felt herself getting hotter and hotter and it felt harder and harder to breathe.
“I.. uh.. I don’t feel too good. I’m just going to go outside for some fresh air.”
Casey bolted for the door and her first stop was the bathroom where she threw up in the basin. The thought of Amira going back to her ex was just too much to bear.
I love her. I fucking love her.
Casey splashed water on her face and in her mouth. Water to wash away the hurt and the pain and the loss. She looked up at herself in the mirror. Water dripped from the floppy short fringe hair that she pushed back from her face. She looked pale and ghost like and that is exactly how she had felt when she had seen Amira. She felt like she was a ghost. She had been invisible.
11
“Rachel, you need to leave. I can’t do this anymore.” Amira looked at her ex wife. So much had changed over so many years.
“What?” Rachel said, surprised. “What do you mean? We are getting on well, we can try and make things work again. We are trying, right?”
“No, Rachel. I told you this. I said you could stay until you felt better, but I’m not trying to make things work again between us. Our marriage is over. I keep telling you this. But, you can’t keep on staying here, you need to sort out something else.”
“Amira! Please. We can work on it.”
