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I sat up and got to my feet and he pulled away the towel. There were dark stains where I’d laid and I detected the faint scent of blood. It only made the sinking feeling in my stomach grow worse and I blinked rapidly to keep tears from falling. Without saying a word, I went in the bathroom and used the toilet in the dark. I didn’t want to face myself in the mirror.
I was fighting back tears when I returned to the bedroom and slipped between the sheets. Duran was already in bed and I could feel his eyes on me as I curled up beneath the covers and tried to block out everything we’d done.
His hands slid around me and he turned me onto my back. There was concern and a flicker of confusion in his dark eyes. I blinked hard, trying to conceal the tears gathering in my lashes.
“Are you hurt?” he asked finally.
I shook my head.
He frowned. “Well, what then?”
I took a deep breath, still oscillating between telling him and keeping my guilt to myself. Finally I released a sigh and let the tears flow. They slipped down my temples and fell into my hair and Duran wiped them away with the hard palm of his hand.
“I feel ashamed,” I said finally.
“Of having sex?”
“Yes. Of losing my virginity to a man who isn’t my husband.”
He studied me in silence and I took the time to get control of myself and stem the flow of tears. Finally he released me and got to his feet and I sat upright, wondering if he was going to leave.
Instead he went to the other side of the room where the liquor cabinet was and poured himself a drink. Then he went to the balcony and opened the doors, beckoning me to join him. I rose from the bed and slipped on my dressing gown and he led me out onto the balcony.
“When I was a boy, my mother took Lucien and I down to the Nile. My father was away on business and it was better that way. We had wonderful times with her that summer.” He pressed his mouth in a thin line. “But one day we were playing by the river and a man assaulted my mother while we were down on the bank.”
I covered my mouth, shock rippling through me. “Oh my God, that’s awful.”
He dipped his head. “I’ve never gotten over the guilt of not being there to do something to stop him, even if I was only ten. She never wanted to speak of it, but years later, before she died, when I was about seventeen, I apologized to her for not protecting her honor. And she was angry with me for saying that. She said that men put too much stock in honor and not enough in humanity. That man had taken away her autonomy, not her honor. But I didn’t understand because all I’d been told my whole life was that a woman’s virginity or honor were the most important things to her. I was wrong.”
“Duran, I don’t feel violated by you,” I said, frowning.
“No, it’s a poor example of what I’m trying to say,” he said, looking out over the river. “What I mean is, your virginity doesn’t define you, Iris. We put so much stock in it, like it’s something real and tangible, but it’s bullshit. It’s bullshit like me worrying about my mother’s honor over the trauma of what was done against her will. What men do to you, willing or not, doesn’t define you.”
My mouth was dry, so dry I couldn’t force out any words.
“I don’t give a shit about your virginity when it gets down to it,” he said. “And nobody else should either.”
I closed my eyes, my arms sliding up to wrap around my body. “But they do. If I marry within the outfit, my husband will find out that I didn’t wait and he’ll be angry. He’ll tell my family and it will be a whole humiliating spectacle.”
Duran put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me against him, his touch gentle. “Let’s talk about this tomorrow after we’ve had some rest, princess.”
I nodded, a little numb and completely exhausted. He slid his hand down my arm and wove it between my fingers, leading me back inside. We crawled into bed and Duran pulled me against him and we lay in silence. He had left the balcony door open and there was a warm breeze wafting through and a curtain of stars hanging low over the sky. The sight was a healing balm and I found myself drifting to sleep in Duran’s arms.
Chapter Ten
When I woke, Duran was already sitting up in bed, working on his laptop. His hair was tousled from the night and he was shirtless, his eyes moving over the computer screen. I lay on my back and let him work as I thought about what we’d done. In the light of day it didn’t frighten me as much.
Duran noticed I was awake and he set aside his laptop and bent and kissed my forehead. “Feeling better?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Let’s talk about things over breakfast so you can keep feeling better and we can have sex again.”
“Duran!”
He laughed and jumped to his feet, moving energetically to the bathroom and turning on the shower. There was a new spring to his step that hadn’t been there the night before. I got up slowly, a dull soreness between my thighs, and wrapped myself in my dressing gown and went to the open balcony.
The river stretched out below us, glittering in the morning sun. I was desperate to leave the compound and get a chance to see some of the city and walk by the banks of the Nile. Whatever happened between Duran and I, it felt like such a waste to be here and not get to enjoy the sights of Egypt.
