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“That sounds really painful.”
“It was, but not so much that I thought it was as bad as it was. I went to the local urgent care, got it wrapped, got a referral to an orthopedic doctor to take further x-rays to see if it was fractured. I walked on my foot for four fucking days, and I didn’t call the team doctor. I should have had immediate world-class medical care and I could have had access to that through the team. If I had, things probably would have been different.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Because I’m an idiot. Which we’ve already established.” I shook my head. I got hot every time I thought about it.
“You did seek medical treatment. I’m assuming you didn’t think it was really that severe of an injury, right?”
“That’s true. At first, at least.”
“You wouldn’t be the first person to assume wrong when it comes to your health. How many parents ran their kids to the ER only to find out it’s just a cold so then don’t take them when they’re sniffling the next time and then it turns out they have pneumonia?”
“Is that a rhetorical question? Because I don’t have the stats on that.”
She gave a soft chuckle. “Smart ass. The answer is lots. Listen, I walked around for three weeks with a needle in my foot when I was sixteen because I was scared to tell my parents.”
“What?” I swiveled my chair again to stare at the wall, then swiveled back. “You had aneedlein your foot?” That visual made me feel kind of nauseous.
“Yes. I didn’t know it was a needle. I was practicing my back handspring right outside the back door and I felt something sharp. But when I ran my hand over it, I couldn’t see anything. I thought it was just a splinter and it would work its way out. Every day it hurt a little more until I was limping. Only by then somehow I thought it was my fault for not telling my parents, so it seemed like it made more sense to deny anything was wrong when they asked me. Finally, my mother took me to the doctor, had it x-rayed, and there it was. A needle. Mama used to sew at the picnic table and must have dropped it in the grass. It had to have been embedded in the dirt straight up because when I came down hard from the handspring, it just went clean on up into my foot.”
I winced. Now I really felt sick. I didn’t like needles. “That’s really nasty. Holy shit. How did they get it out?”
“I had to have surgery. I spent the whole stupid summer on crutches and couldn’t go swimming.” Then she sucked in a breath. “Not that that’s the same as losing your career. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to compare.”
I hadn’t taken it that way. Her concern made my chest feel tight. “I know. You were trying to make me feel better, and I appreciate it. But I knew something was off the morning after it happened. I talked myself out of it because I figured the doctor had examined me, and I didn’t go to medical school, but the truth is, I was scared to call the team. I didn’t want to lose my career.” I laughed softly. “Which I did anyway.”
“You don’t know anything would have been different.”
“No. But itcouldhave. It’s my fault. That’s why I get so angry about it.”
“I think you should forgive yourself, MacKay,” she said, softly. “You’ve been punished enough, don’t you think?”
I sat straight up. It felt like I’d been punched in the gut, all the wind knocked out of me. I had assumed she would say what everyone else did. That it wasn’t my fault. Which was easy to dismiss, because I knew otherwise. Ultimately, I was responsible and that’s why it ate me up inside.
But Faith was suggesting losing my career didn’t need to be compounded by my hurling mental abuse at myself. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was time to let it go. Maybe if I tried, I could find a way to release all of that because nothing was going to change. What was done was done.
“You’re a very smart woman, Faith Young. Do you know that?” I asked.
“Yes. And I can’t wait to prove it at Four Brothers.”
That made me smile. I loved her confidence. I loved that she could accept a compliment. I loved her compassion. Her passion.
I might even love her.
That made me shove my chair back so hard it hit the wall with a bang. I stood up quickly. “I look forward to seeing that,” I said, because I had to say something even though my heart was beating double time and I was wondering where in the fuck that thought had come up. It had sprung up like a tornado out of nowhere, spinning and tearing through my thoughts, leaving destruction in its wake.
Love.
Love her. Love her?
The concept sent my other thoughts scattering like patio furniture in that tornado of emotion. I had no clue where the L word had come from, if I meant it, or why the fuck it would happen to me with a woman who didn’t want to date seriously.
Which tracked for me, if I were honest with myself. I never make anything easy.
Healed from previous relationship wounds and ready to move on? Just fall straight on into love with a woman you couldn’t have. Create a brand new torture. Classic MacKay Lennox.
There was something wrong with me.
