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I reverse out of the spot and start the drive back to the city. She’s silent the wholeway.
I want to tell her it’s one thing for us to vent our bullshit, but I don’t need her opinions on my mom. I want to unload thirty years of shit on her, to tell her I have to be in control because if I’m not, no oneis.
Most of all, I want to kiss her until her calmness, her steadiness, her damn unselfish caring washes over me like a coolwave.
Tris’s accusation comes back. That I'm falling forher.
I've seen the fallout from love, the unhealthy dependence, the way love can bring artificial joy and leave you an empty shell, capable ofnothing.
“Do you want to get something to eat?” she asks when we’re on the bridge. “We could go to that restaurantagain."
I imagine being on that rooftop with her. Sitting beside her, tugging her against my hip. Sliding my hand down the inside of her thigh, not to turn her on but to reassure myself she’s really there with me and not goinganywhere.
I shake my head. “I have to get back to work. But I can drop youoff.”
She shifts in her seat. “Okay. I’ll get something forLil.”
But her voice is cooler than itwas.
"Say hello to Cara for me," I say when she gets out at the restaurant, but she doesn't answer as she shuts the cardoor.
Heading back to my apartment, the life I designed my way, I wait for a feeling of relief that I’m on my ownagain.
It nevercomes.
21
The best pokergames aren't only in casinos. I promised to drop by Hunter's weekly game to fill in. It's at his and Kendall's place, with few old friends, and it's been going on as long as Daisy and I've been having our own gamenights.
Today the other players are Monty—Hunter's conscience, and the lumberjack-in-a-suit Hunter runs his family's beer company with—andWes.
I've heard rumors of some of the dramatic stakes of these games over the years. Apparently they've toned down since Hunter got settled, because he's become more responsible by leaps and bounds in the pastyear.
"Where're Kendall and Rory tonight?" I ask as I grab a drink from the full-stocked bar in the penthouse condo and drop into myseat.
"I got them a cooking class that runs the entire month. Kid could probably teach them," Hunter says, his voice full of pride, "but he likes showing off for his mom. Surprised you're not working or with your girlfriendtonight."
Monty cocks his head inquestion.
"Daisy," Huntersays.
"Huh." He lifts his glass in atoast.
I shrug. "Taking a couple nightsoff."
They stare medown.
“Bullshit,” Wes comments mildly. “You’ve been dating a few weeks and you could be with her but you chose usinstead.”
"You fucked up, didn't you?" Hunterasks.
"What are you talkingabout?"
Wes leans in. "When was the last time youtalked?"
"Two daysago.”
“How’d itend?”
