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It felt awful being on the receiving end of it. But not bad as it feels to giveit.
I've been blaming you. I've blamed you for being yourself, for how people perceive you, for making me feel as if I wasn'tenough.
I hate the way you left. And I was going through some shit at the time, and I wished you werehere.
But it's not your fault. I had this idea for how life was going to play out. The fact that we're different and grew more different as time went on isn't yourfault.
I love you, and I alwayswill.
I hope you have people you can love the sameway.
Itakethe bracelet that’s been sitting on the corner of my desk all week and tuck it into an envelope before sliding it into a drawer withphotos.
The bangle always felt like security before, like assurance. But without it, I feellighter.
I’ve been afraid to love Ben the way I want to—honestly, fully—because I’ve been afraid he’llleave.
But I won’t be afraid anymore. And no matter what he does, I won't think less of myself, I won't hide my feelings, and I won’t ever think I don’t deservelove.
I finish writing the letter and, for the first time, drop it in themailbox.
29
"Hey,Ben. It's Armand calling from London." My former colleague's voice is smooth and cheerful when I reach across my bed to answer the phone Friday. "I know it's early your time, but I wanted to give you the heads up. We'd like to offer you that job we talked about when you were here lastmonth."
"The job," I echo as I shift up in my bed and rub the sleep from my eyes, pushing away the half-empty pizza box keeping me company under thesheets.
"Yes. The compensation is incredible. But the best part is there are no limitations. As the head of tech, you go where you want, when you want. Basically nooversight."
Phone pressed to my ear, I shift out of bed andstretch.
I cross to the windows to open thecurtains.
On my way, I step on something that makes me jerk my foot back with ahiss.
“You okay?” he asks,concerned.
I lift Jet and glare at him. “Fine. Keeptalking.”
It would be easy to pick up and leave. Not answer toanyone.
I could leave this awful feeling behind too. The betrayal. Thehurt.
But as Armand talks through the details, all I can think of is what it would feel like to have Daisy with me in London. To play tourist, take a double-decker bus, get a flat in a killer neighborhood. I’d wake up next to her, love her until she was awake, then she’d drag me to a nearby restaurant where she’d study people over breakfast until I was so fucking rapt I had to leave cash on the table and drag her home and show her how damn perfect shewas.
“I think that’s it,” he says once he’s finished. “You don’t have to answer now. Butsoon.”
My phone vibrates with a calendar notification for my first meeting. “Thanks. I’ll think aboutit.”
After I finish my shower, I head down to Cara’srestaurant.
Yves is waiting by the door when I arrive, and we shakehands.
“This is decent of you,” hesays.
“I felt it was the right thing todo.”
I knock on the back door and moments later, Cara steps out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on herapron.
