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“No.” I sink onto the arm of the couch, the comfort of the padded form doing nothing to ease the guilt in my stomach. "But you have to understand why keeping it from him felt like the rightdecision.”
At first I was angry with him, I didn’t want to admit how hurt and ashamed I was that we slept together, that I wanted him and he wantedher.
Later, after I saw what a decent guy he was—that Ben wasn’t only smart and attractive and funny, but loyal to his friends, his family—I let myself start hanging out with himagain.
But the closer we got, the more I didn’t want to confess and risk losing him over it. As time went on, there seemed less and less point in digging up the past. Eventually, I could pretend I’d almost forgottenit.
“That was years ago,” Lil points out. “You’ve both changed, and if Vi was here she would’ve changed too. Are you willing to walk away from Ben because of this? Or worse, lie tohim?”
Seeing Aiden Vane this morning, the weight he’s carrying and the secret between them, makes me realize both areawful.
“I didn’t just keep it from him to protect my feelings, Lily. I did it to protect his. He liked her, he must’ve or he wouldn’t have looked so gutted when he found out she left. It was a personal moment, no matter who it was with. I couldn’t take it away fromhim.”
Her face falls as she realizes the fucked up situation I wasin.
I did what I could to protect Ben, and to keep myself from losing him in the one way I could havehim.
I take the postcard and head to myroom.
Inside, I sit at my desk to study the glossy photo before reaching for a sheet of paper from mydesk.
But instead of writing, my pen hovers just above thesurface.
Normally, I have no trouble letting the wordsflow.
Sometimes, they're kind things.I miss you. It looks beautiful where youare.
Other days, they’re questions.Why did you leave? Why is it better there thanhere?
Today, they're a storm in myhead.
You're halfway around the world, but you're still here in mylife.
Still a pain in myass.
Still making me question whether I'menough.
I know Ben has feelings for me, and I can let go of the fact that he cared about my sister first. I have to if I want to be with him. And part of that is telling thetruth.
"You write back, but you never sendit."
I turn to see Lil sink onto my bed and squeeze a pillow to herchest.
"Maybe this time Iwill."
25
“Ben.”
I pull up on the sidewalk outside my office building at the sound of my name, turning to see a semi-familiarface.
“Yves,” the guy who’s my height and a few years older fills in. “I head up the healthcare company you were lookingat.”
Holt's recommendation.The pieces click into place as I extend a hand hetakes.
“It’s unfortunate it didn’t work out,” I tell him. “You knowbusiness.”
He nods, squinting into the sun. “I’d appreciate your feedback on why. Maybe we canretool.”
