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The world had never felt quieter than it did in that moment. I hadn’t even noticed how loud my voice had become. Every word needed to come out, but now all of it was in the forefront of my mind, and it hurt.
No doubt Ben heard all of it, but at this point, I didn’t care. The whole town would eventually find out we weren’t going to be together. It didn’t matter.
None of it mattered.
I hated the way it felt like those words hung on my shoulders. Weights I would never be able to get rid of.
Daniel stood, still and quiet for a long time, just observing me. This was the Daniel I knew—contemplative and calm. Not the man who’d pushed me nearly to breaking. Which, of course, he’d done on purpose. Not out of anger or malice, but because he’d seen I was in my own head and needed it. The most observant one of us and it was annoying.
“Feel better?” he asked.
“No, asshole.”
His mouth quirked up into a smirk. “I know, but hopefully you will. There’s a reason we tell people not to bottle this stuff up. There’s a reason we’re a team and have the resources we do. You don’t have to do this alone. If you’re struggling, why not ask for help?”
My stomach twisted. It was a cliché, not wanting to ask for help because I’d appear weak. I’d met enough men who’d done it to know it wasn’t helpful. But the thought of baring that part of myself and admitting, even after doing what I should, I wasn’t improving? It felt like a depressing defeat.
“I don’t even know what to ask for.” I shrugged. “It’s not like I’m sitting at home alone, stewing in my own shit. I do my sessions with Rayne. I talk with all of you. I’m up and moving, and nothing helps. It’s time for me to figure out how to live with it instead of fighting it.”
He looked at me again. “Or, maybe, since the same things haven’t worked in all these years, maybe you could try something different.”
“Like?”
Daniel leaned against the side of my truck, crossing his arms. “It seems like being alone during the nightmares isn’t helping you. Maybe having someone with you would keep your mind calm?” I opened my mouth to protest, and he shot me a look. “I’m not telling you to endanger Lena. Don’t give me that. But you have to know you’re not the only one of us who has nightmares.”
I did know that. Noah had been with me in those caves. He had his own trauma that he dealt with. We didn’t talk about it much, each dealing with it in our own ways, but there was an understanding between us. Something deeper we understood because of the shared experience. “I’d wager to say most active vets have nightmares. Your point?”
“So far, you’re the only one of us who’s letting the nightmares hold him back from happiness.”
The words hit me in the chest. I hadn’t thought of it like that. Of course I hadn’t. Because they were the strongest force in my life. Present every fucking day, dragging me from sleep and making me relive the worst moments of my captivity. How was I supposed to just ignore them and the danger they caused?
“So you’d have me take the risk?”
“I’m saying I think Lena might. You haven’t told her, have you?”
“No.”
He nodded. “Well, think about it. Because after all the shit you’ve been through, Jude? You’re miserable, and we see it. Fucking hell, it’s justified. But you also deserve to be happy.” Daniel looked at the sky and then around us. “I think I’ll walk back to my truck. It’s nice, only a few miles, and I think you need to consider some things.”
He walked away down the sidewalk and left me staring after him.
The last thing I expected coming to the mechanic was to have my world and thoughts flipped entirely upside down. But no matter how much I’d already turned it over in my head, the fantasy of being with Lena always collided with the reality that I could harm her—or worse.
But Daniel also had a point. I was bringing the nightmares to the forefront and letting them have more power than they deserved. Funny how hearing it from someone else could be the thing that made you see more clearly.
I wasn’t sure which would be worse—continuing like this, pining after Lena, never letting her close because of the truth I lived night after night, and losing her, or taking the risk of being with her, hurting her without even being aware of doing so, and losing her anyway.
Fuck.
Daniel was right about one thing. I was miserable. Being caught between my past and resisting the glowing sunshine that was Lena, I was left inside my own shadows.
“I’ll think about it,” I said quietly, even though he was too far to hear me.
Chapter 6
Lena
“Seems like I showed up just in time.” Evelyn peeked her head out of the kitchen, tying her apron back. “I didn’t see Bessie out there, which means tall, dark, and handsome dropped you off. Does that mean anything? And I’m loving the dress, by the way. I’m sure he loved it too.”
