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The grass beneath my feet crunches as my hands shake, memories flowing through me. The closer I get to the mound, the more I wonder if I made the wrong choice. Maybe I’m not ready. This is where it all started, this is where the life I knew ended. I stop a few yards away, peering back at Josh and Mel who are both standing where I left them in the tunnel. Waiting.
When I reach the mound, stepping onto that dirt, I hear my dad’s voice once again. You are stronger than the sum of your fears. You can do anything you set your mind to. I grin at the saying, remembering when he told me that. I was eight and I was trying out for the boys’ baseball team. I was so nervous since there were no other girls, but he told me I could do anything, something I seem to have forgotten over the years.
It feels different than it did as a kid, smaller somehow. I bend over, picking up a chunk of the dirt. Letting it flow through my shaking fingers.
“Why did you have to pitch that day?” I whisper to his ghost, not expecting an answer, but wishing I could get one.
For the first time since stepping onto this field, I look at the seats surrounding me. I imagine them filled with screaming fans and I find myself grinning through the stream of tears. This was his dream, this is what he wanted to do forever and even though this game, this place, took that man from me, he loved it here. He loved what he did in this stadium and I can’t forget that.
I spin slowly, taking in everything and inhaling the scents I remember all too well; grass and clay. A smell that to anyone else might be pungent but to me? It reminds me of one person.
The tears start to fall faster, but they’re not what I was expecting. These are the tears of the little girl who hated this stadium. I know now that this place could have been a sanctuary to remember the man who taught her everything she knows about baseball. The man that helped her get over her first crush by making her hit baseballs as hard as she could, making sure she knew that each ball represented the boy she hated in that moment. That was the man that existed in this stadium, not the one that ignored everyone around him and left everyone behind.
My legs give out as I kneel in the dirt. I spread my fingers through the rough texture of the clay, and I savor the feel of it running through my fingers over and over again. I eventually lie backward, looking up at the sky. Josh and Mel run up beside me, the panic evident in their strides.
“Are you okay, Sunshine?” Josh asks, the alarm evident in his voice.
I wipe away the tears from my eyes, still looking up at the bright blue sky above us.
“Did you know Dad used to come out here before every one of his games and bury a coin in the dirt? I would give him a new coin every time he pitched, and he always said it was his lucky charm.”
They both sit beside me as I let the memories flow over me.
“It was something I always thought was beneath him. I thought he was better than luck, but he always asked me for a new one every week, and I would always give him one.” I remember him leaning down and kissing the top of my head as he picked up that coin.
“He just wanted a part of you with him,” Josh adds softly, touching my hand as I squeeze his fingers.
“I know that now. At the time I thought it was so stupid.” I pivot and lean forward, reaching into the clay. Rationally I know the coin is not there. It’s been way too long, but I check anyway. I push my fingers through the dirt where I saw him bury my coin every time, and when I find nothing, I sit back up. What I don’t expect is for Mel to be holding a silver quarter in her hand.
“What are you doing?” I ask, but she just hands me the coin and motions for me to bury it in the dirt. More tears start to fall as I pull her down into a hug. “I love you so much,” I whisper, leaning back and sifting through the dirt once more. I look up, hoping Dad’s watching. “This is for you, Dad, sorry it took me so long.”
“You are amazing,” Josh says against my temple as I gaze into his eyes and when he kisses me lightly, I know I will love this man for the rest of my life for what he just did for me.
Everything changes the moment that coin is buried. It’s as if I’m looking at everything clearly for the first time. The shadow has lifted, and a sigh of relief leaves my body at the realization that it’s been following me for years. Little did I know I needed a certain third baseman to get me over that bump in the road.
I stand from the mound and watch as Josh’s teammates make their way onto the field for batting practice. I look around and wonder how I missed the fact that the equipment team was setting up the batting cage.
Josh meets some of his teammates and waves me and Mel over, so I grab her hand and we head over there together.
“Harper, you remember King, right?”
I smile. How could I forget? King makes eyes with Mel, placing his arm around her shoulder.
“And who is this breath of fresh air?” he teases, and I can tell right away that Mel has no desire to be anywhere near King or his advances, but the second I notice the look on Will’s face from across the field, I know exactly what’s about to happen.
“King!” Will yells as he runs toward us. “What the fuck are you doing?”
I see the smirk on Mel’s face, and I pray to the baseball gods that this doesn’t end with these guys getting into a fight.
“I’m just getting to know this heavenly creature right here,” King says, keeping his arm tightly wrapped around Mel’s shoulders.
She leans into him and the flare in Will’s eyes make me chuckle.
“King, she isn’t some chick you can use and abuse, okay?” Will snarls and King just laughs.
“What? Is she taken?” he asks, looking down at Mel, who is trying with all her might not to smile. “You taken, beautiful?”
She peers over at Will and the second she looks back at King, I know the war has begun.
