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My hand slapped on the powerful magician’s shoulder and I shoved him backwards. “It’s Flea, you know this because you remember everything from the dawn to the end of time. Why are you being an arsehole?”
“How am I being an ‘arsehole’? I greeted everyone, in order of precedence.”
“Look, I didn’t want to get in the middle of whatever this is the other day, and I can’t right now. I have a client that will be here in ten minutes,” Flea said, busying himself with arranging his inks at the tattoo bench.
A heavily upholstered velvet wingback chair appeared in the shop with Merlin perched on it, fingers together in a steeple. “I detect an undercurrent. Yes, a definite undercurrent! So what’s been happening here, apart from the obvious carnal frivolities?”
Flea straightened, his eyes narrowing. “Look, mate, we all saw Tess mooning around after you for weeks,
so don’t be a dick. Get your chair and your crap out of my shop. I do not have the energy to try and explain the shit show that goes on here on a daily basis to a bloody customer.”
“What’s going on?” Ash and Jez stood in the doorway.
“I’ve come to see how your sister fares. She’s been quite unhappy. She should go on another adventure through the portal. It was eye-opening last time. Could be just the thing for getting her out of this funk,” Merlin said.
“I have not been in a funk,” I said.
“Well, you kind of have,” said Ash.
“What’s going on? If you guys go through the portal again, I think I’d make a damn fine sidekick,” Jez said. “Like seriously, check out my kung fu action!” And she kicked the air experimentally, accidentally booting one of Flea’s chairs. It careened across the floor, about to collide with a trolley full of ink. Flea vaulted over the table to stop it in its tracks as Ash bent over and retrieved something from under the tattoo bench. She spun the offending item of clothing around her finger.
“Adventure Time underwear? I wonder how these got there?”
“Oh, Tess, you dirty girl! I’m pretty sure we’ve all put 2 and 2 together, or should that be 1 on 1?” Jez said, poking one finger through the loop of another.
Ash faux-gasped but Flea just stared at me, his eyes definitely had a green tinge, his face seeming to wash out in the early morning light. “You’re going… You’re gonna go through that fucking portal again? After everything that happened?”
“She goes all the time,” Ash said with a wave. “We run an inter-dimensional magical supplies shop and buy and sell stuff from all over the dimensions. Tess is awesome at making and building business relationships.”
“I don’t think you’ve ever said that before, Ash. Thanks, I mean it.”
“Shit, I’m sorry. I thought I’d mentioned that.”
“And she’s got the dragon. Seriously, how much trouble can we get in with a mother fucking, fire breathing—” Jez said
How is having sex with your dam a desirable attribute?
“—big arse, butt-kicking dragon in tow?”
“Dragon? Dragon?” Flea’s eyes drop down to my arm. Ash and Jez’s follow, widening when I tug my sleeve down.
“What did you do?” Ash said, taking a step forward but Jez gets in first, pulling my shirt up over my arm. “Oh, fuck yes, Tess, fuck yes! I can get in a polyamorous relationship with Gabe, a human-size rabbit and one of those hentai tentacle monsters and Mum is still gonna go fucking ape shit on your arse. Oh, thank you, thank you, my darling sister. Mum is going to finally stop planning my fucking wedding to go and tear you a new arsehole.”
“So, I’m guessing there was a little Ghost moment after you got ink?” Jez said, jumping on the bench and putting her ankles behind her ears. She started singing ‘Unchained Melody’, miming pushing a guy’s face into her cunt in time with the beat of the song.
“Dragon?” Flea said.
“It’s the dog. She waited for it to disappear on the day we returned from the portal. The spear and the body armour did, but he didn’t.”
“Dragon.”
The man thing is broken?
This is a bit of a shock. I really should’ve had a chat before now.
Should I show him my true form? He seems to be struggling to accept this.
No! You’re bigger than both shops combined.
