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“But Muuuum…”
“You can play army men in the morning. Brush your teeth, it’s bedtime.”
“It’s not army men. It’s intergalactic extreme task force—” he said, appearing beside us.
“It’s bedtime, is what it is. Let's go.”
“Fine!” And with that, he stomped off to the bathroom.
“Fine,” I mimicked as I turned back to the sink.
“Um…strong willed kids turn out to be great leaders?” Aidan said with a grin.
“Then he’s going to be the supreme overlord of the world. Are you reading him a book, or am I?”
He flicked his hands to get rid of the suds and sidled up to me, putting his hands around my waist and watching for my reaction. I hoped he could sense the flare of excitement I felt as he did so, but not the fear.
I knew I had nothing to worry about with either of the men, but it always came anyway—the tension. Ophelia and I had talked long and hard about it. She compared it to a phobia. I’d endured severe trauma at another person’s hands, so my body was geared up to expect to be hurt when people touched me. But that wasn’t all of it. She’d been pleased to hear about our little interlude in the morning, seeing that as a breakthrough.
“It proves something I always knew, Flick. Your body is primed to anticipate pain, but also pleasure. Part of it remembers back before Rick, when you took lovers or had relationships. It is a difficult thing to manage, but you have two strong instincts—to move towards and to move away from physical proximity and touch. Tap in to how you’re feeling as we’ve discussed in the past. Don’t get caught up in the thought spirals. Acknowledge and recognise how you feel in the moment. If the overwhelming urge is to move away, then do so. You can use some of those scripts we practised to make this clear to the men, but don’t feel pressured to do so. I have spoken to them about what is required from them to stay in your house. They know the deal.”
I took a deep breath in and then let it out slowly, something that had Aidan smiling encouragingly. I brought my awareness back to the kitchen, to the glare of the lights and the slight crackle of bugs hitting the lights outside. I felt the cool dampness on my hands from the tea towel, the pressure of the bench against my butt. And I felt Aidan.
He smelled kinda woody and citrusy, like clean, washed male. He put one hand next to mine, then the other, slowly closing in on me, until I could feel the line of his body thrumming above mine.
There—a flicker of fear, of anticipation, of excitement, all rolled into one. I wanted to run the fuck away, but also lean into him and take that kiss he’d asked for. Directed by that, my eyes flicked to those lips, the reddish blond beard around them, and watched them part slightly.
Do I want this? I thought. Just a kiss. It doesn’t have to mean anything else. Kade will want us to read him a book, and we’ll have to lie down with him until he sleeps.
I had my out, and somehow, the fact that this would have a limited time before Kade called out made it easier. I didn’t have to worry about later or tonight or whatever. Kade took that away from us. Which allowed desire to roar up, smothering my fears for just a minute, and let me feel. I moved slowly closer, and then, as awkward as a teen, I kissed him.
“Mmph…”
I let out a helpless little moan as soon as our lips touched. It was as if a forgotten part of myself had been let out and she was hungry. My skin felt famished, wanting and needing our bodies touching. I buried my hands in his hair, pulling him closer so his body crushed against mine. Another moan came out when he ground his hips against me, his hands wrapping around me, not super tight, more cradling me, like I was something precious. Our lips opened, our tongues tangling, tasting each other. My Tirian shifted inside me, looking out at this new contender, and she just nodded. My teeth scored his plush bottom lip, sucking it into my mouth, and my fingers scraped his scalp until his moans matched mine.
“Mum? Are you gonna read me a story?”
We jumped apart as if stung, to find a smug little boy standing at the entrance to the kitchen, his favourite book in hand. He looked at me, then Aidan, and smiled in a way that wasn’t entirely childlike.
“I was… We were…” I said lamely.
“Aidan is pack,” Kade said.
And that was that.
“I want to try sleeping in my bed tonight,” he said confidently, though this was followed by a quick flash of fear.
“You don’t have to, Kade,” I said. “It’s a big bed. You’re always welcome to—”
“The nightmares aren’t coming anymore. I’m better now,” he said, his hand going to his throat. “We’re safe here.”
It was a statement and a question both.
“We are, love. If that’s what you want to do, jump into bed, and we’ll come and read you a story, OK?” I replied.
And so we ended up on Kade’s narrower bed, one on either side of him, as we took turns reading him chapters of The Hobbit.
I watched his eyelids drop lower and lower as Aidan read about Gandalf rescuing Bilbo on the back of an eagle. He had the covers pulled up over his shoulders, snuggled down tight, something he liked to do now,
