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“Scared of what?” He sips his water.
I shrug. “It’s complicated. My mom died when I was eight—in front of me—so I’m not really keen on the whole loving someone to lose them thing.” I suppress a shudder when I think of the look on my dad’s face when he was trying to revive my mother. It’s seared into my brain, and I know I’ll never forget it. “Add on the fact that our career choice doesn’t exactly make a relationship easy.”
“Sure, but plenty of people have them. Ashton is going strong now.”
I nod. “You know all the shit the girls get from other women on social media.”
He looks upstairs to where Clara is probably sleeping. “You know I lost my mom when I was young too. Hell, it’s why I’m so inept with talking to women probably—I had zero female influence growing up. But that woman up there can handle herself. And guess what? Maybe you’re worth it to her. But you have to let her decide whether she thinks you’re worth the risk, not decide for her. If you put away all your doubts, I think you’ll realize you’re missing out on a pretty great life you could be having with her at your side.”
“Yeah, but—”
“Jesus, X, stop with the buts. What would’ve happened if when the scouts called, you said, ‘Well, I don’t know… some players get hurt, some players don’t pan out.’ Or after you got drafted if you said, ‘But what if I never win a ring or what if the media chews me apart?’ Be the same man who made his dream come true and go be the man of her dreams.” He smiles and winks. “Oh, I like that line.”
Who would have guessed that Ben would be the one to get through to me? Before I can say anything, he continues.
“My mom dying taught me one thing. Life is short. You never know when your time is up, so why wouldn’t you want to spend every minute being with the person you love? Don’t listen to those inner demons. You live your life scared, you’ll die with regrets.”
My eyebrows rise. “Man, you’re just coming out with all the inspiration lines.”
“I was reading one of Clara’s books before I got bored and explored downtown, which, did you know your grandma and her friends challenged me to a drinking contest? And I did it?”
“Afraid so.”
He shakes his head. “I’m going to try to sleep for another couple hours. I’ll see you later.” He claps me on the shoulder again.
“Ben? I’m sorry you got caught up in all this.”
“It’s cool, man. If me going after the girl you want gets you to finally make a move, it’s all worth it in my eyes. Plus, we both know her heart was already taken. Don’t worry about me. One day I’ll find my own Clara.” He winks and heads up the stairs.
I chuckle, and I hear him do the same as he makes his way up the stairs. I sit at the counter for another hour, figuring out where I go from here and how I’ll ever convince Clara that she can trust me with her heart.
16
“I’VE JUST ALWAYS KEPT THOSE THINGS TO MYSELF.”
Clara
I wake up late the next morning and pull a sweatshirt on over my cami, leaving me looking a little like a hot mess in my sweatshirt and flannel pants, hair in a high ponytail. But it’s probably better anyway, given the conversation I need to have with Ben.
The house is quiet, and the guest room door is open. I spot a note on the pillow of the made bed. I pick it up and read.
Thank you for letting me crash here, and I apologize for anything I might have said last night in my drunken state. You don’t have to worry about sparing my feelings. I’m a big boy and I talked to Xavier. I would never want to step in the middle of true love. I have a request, and by all means you don’t have to do it, but I think in the long run it will do you good… give the guy a chance. Sometimes big-ass grown men who play professional football still get scared. ;) Catch you next time you’re in San Fran.
~ Ben
I smile at the note and feel a little pang of sadness. Ben is a good man, and I hope he finds his person someday soon. I take the note downstairs, expecting to see Xavier on the couch, but that too is empty. The blanket and pillow have been put back in the closet I keep them in.
As though the two men are somehow the same person, there’s a book on the coffee table that I know wasn’t there before, a piece of paper sticking out of it. I sit on the couch and open the book, taking out the letter written on the back of a bill that sat on my counter.
Clara,
I’ve been a fool, and I don’t expect you to trust in everything I told you last night. Not yet anyway. I’ve been so hung up on my fears that I forgot how I got to where I am in my life right now—by conquering my fears, pushing them out of the way, and moving full steam ahead.
Until two years ago, I hadn’t felt as terrified as I did when I saw my dad pull my mom from that frozen lake. But when I woke up after our night together, I felt practically paralyzed by fear because it felt to me, at the time, like I had risked the most important person in the world for one night together. That feeling caused my life to spin out of control, and as hard as I tried to grasp for some sort of normalcy, it never came. The more scared I got, the more I changed and the more I leaned into the new image of who I was.
It was so wrong of me to ever bring Giulia to Sunrise Bay or really date her at all, knowing I’d already fallen for you. I’m sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize.
I’m writing this letter early in the morning rather than telling you this to your face because I don’t want to chicken out like I have so many times before.
