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Before I went home to attend Elle’s wedding, this was pretty much my life and I had no complaints about it. It kept me busy and it kept me distracted from dwelling too much on things like…feelings.
Feelings are dangerous, I told myself.I need my wits about me to make the hard decisions for my patients. I can’t afford to get carried away by my emotions.
But when I thought back to the time I had rushed Grandma Margaret to the hospital, I had felt Amanda’s fear as if it was my own.
I had often felt a strong desire to help my patients as well as a healthy amount of compassion for them and their families but when push came to shove, I could trust myself to detach from my emotions so I could make clear-headed decisions for them.
Being with Amanda, I had felt more alive than I had ever been in years. I was so used to shoving down my emotions and keeping myself busy that I had forgotten how to trulylive.
And now, without her, I had no idea how to truly feel that way again.
When we reached my apartment, I unloaded my bags from the trunk of the cab and carried them upstairs. The moment the plane touched down, I had sent a message to the receptionist in my practice that I was ready to start seeing patients as soon as tomorrow.
It’s not like I have much to unpack, I thought to myself. I had packed light for my trip to Georgetown and I had already arranged things beforehand so I could jump back into my job the moment I got back.
I walked into my apartment and switched the lights on, wincing at the harsh sterility of my living space. Compared to my mom’s crystal-strewn home and Amanda’s cozy house, my apartment was painfully bare.
Austere
Sterile.
There were no signs of life. No pets that would greet me the moment I walked in the door. Not even a single indoor plant to provide a pop of color.
I simply didn’t have the time to care for any living thing.
The walls were painted a simple white and there weren’t even pictures on the walls to inject some liveliness into this bleak space.
My kitchen consisted of a poorly supplied fridge and a simple conduction stove that I had not used much since I brought it here. The microwave oven probably received more attention than all the other appliances combined and that was when I could be bothered to pop something in for dinner.
An industrial steel table with a pair of stools served as my dining area. I liked it better like this because it was easier to clean.
My “living room” had only one gray couch and a simple table that was painfully bare.
Everything about my apartment was so bloody functional it felt more like a medical facility than a living space. If Julian saw my apartment, he would probably have winced.
Not to mention Sophie—she would probably take one look at the wide expanse ofnothingand send me a cartload of potted plants.
My apartment lacked warmth simply because I was not interested in living in it—it was just a space for me to rest, wash up, maybe eat a little every once in a while. I saw no reason to spruce it up more than the quarters I used to occupy as a resident doctor in training.
But now that I looked at it, I felt the emptiness all too keenly. I missed the sound of Buddy barking excitedly and Grandma Margaret hollering nonsensical sentences because she left out her hearing aid.
Most of all, I missed Amanda’s soft, musical laughter, her gentle voice as she teased me gently.
Ilongedto hear her most of all.
London seemed like a whole world away from everything that made me feel alive. Yesterday with her, today alone again...
I sank onto my nondescript, gray couch and sighed, easing the kinks out of my neck and shoulders from the long flight. Leaving Amanda and then flying across the Atlantic had drained the hell out of me. But I did have one thing that was bound to at least inject some brightness into my dreary life.
I took out the photo from my jacket pocket and smiled to myself as our teenaged faces—Amanda’s and mine—smiled back at me.
The photo was a little wrinkled although I had done my best to preserve it as much as I could.
We were so young and so happy,I thought to myself.We never thought we would have to endure being apart.
I had taken the picture with me before I left for the airport. I had forgotten to ask for copies of the selfies we had taken in Amanda’s kitchen and the ones on the hill. This photograph was all that I had to remind me of the most wonderful time in my life.
A time when I was alive.
