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“Yes,” I say softly. “Luke, you can’t do something like this, take such a risk with your life, unless it’s for the right reasons. You can’t go through with this if you’re only doing it because you feel guilty, or because you’re holding on to”—I pause and take a deep, uneasy breath—“holding on to something you had with Landon that’s no longer there.” Mentally I hold my breath, hoping that my words don’t hurt him and that he won’t take offense to them.
For a split second, I see his jaw harden and a flash of pain shoot across his eyes. But he recovers quickly and pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist and laying his head against my stomach. I spear my fingers through the top of his hair.
Then he raises his head and answers, “Yeah … I am doing it for the right reasons,” and that’s all the answer he gives.
Disappointment, thick and heavy, floods me. My shoulders fall with my breath, my heart with my hopes.
I want to believe that he’s lying to himself—I want to believe that I’m right—but if he won’t, or can’t, admit it to himself, then he can’t admit it to me. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too blinded by my feelings for him and wanting nothing to stand between us being together, and he really and truly loves this dangerous sport. But if that’s the case, if that’s the truth, then I can’t stand in his way.
And I can’t stay with him, either.
I could never in a million years ask him to give up something that makes him feel alive and free. It would be the same as him asking me to give up photography.
“You know I have to do this, Sienna, don’t you?”
I nod, holding back my protest.
“And you know I’ll be OK, right?”
I don’t answer—he can see the answer in my teary eyes.
“I’ve been doing this a long time, so don’t worry about me.”
“I will always worry, Luke. Nothing you can ever say will ease my fears or change my thoughts on this.”
He sighs and then stands up from the bed with my hands still in his and he smiles. “Sienna, you have to know that you’re important to me.” His hands grip mine more firmly with emphasis. “I never imagined I’d meet someone like you. I want you to be a part of my life. I want to share everything with you. Look, I understand completely why you can’t put yourself through this. But I know what I’m doing. I’m careful. I’m precise. And although I know there’s truly no such thing as a safe jump, I minimize all the risks by taking the safety measures that I take.”
“But you could die doing this, Luke. At the end of the day, safety measures or not, you could die.”
“I could die walking out the door, babe,” he says with emphasis, squeezing my hands. “Death can happen at any moment. Life is finite, Sienna. The one thing we’re all destined to do, no matter what, is die. I don’t want to be someone always afraid of it. I want to live what life I have left to the fullest and have as much fun as I can while doing it.” His eyes soften on me, his head tilting thoughtfully to one side. “I’ll be fine. I promise.”
No you won’t, Luke. Nothing you can ever say …
I want to say these things to him aloud, but I can’t. I can’t because I know Luke is still in a place where guilt and redemption have such a strong hold on him that it will take much more than my words to convince him of it. This he has to do on his own. This he has to realize on his own.
I look away.
“I … I just can’t do this.”
His hands fall away from mine.
“I’m not giving you an ultimatum, Luke. That’s not the kind of person I am. And even if you said to me right now that you’d give up BASE jumping to be with me, I wouldn’t change my mind. I wouldn’t because I know you can’t ask someone to give up something they love. Ultimatums come with consequences. And resentment. You might be happy with me for a little while, but sooner or later you’d miss what you gave up to be with me, and then you’d resent me for it.”
Luke takes a step back and puts up his hand. He shakes his head, looking downward at the floor, struggling to find words.
Then he looks at me.
“Sienna, please don’t say that.” A knot moves down the center of his throat. He takes a deep breath as if to compose himself. “Don’t say you wouldn’t change your mind either way—that means you’re giving up on us.”
“No, Luke, it—”
He moves toward me, cupping my face in the palms of his hands. Seeing the devastation in his eyes feels like a fist is collapsing around my heart, another one about my throat, choking me to death slowly.
“I want you to be in my life, Sienna.” His hands tighten against my cheeks. “Before you, my brother was my life—”
“And I said I can’t replace him,” I remind him. “Luke … I know you’re not doing it on purpose; I know with all my heart that you don’t see what you’re doing, but—”
“What am I doing, Sienna?” He looks wounded—it kills me inside.
