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And so I tried to think of my father instead. I wished we were still sitting at the kitchen table talking with him about why it was better to clean the fish inside the house. I wished that Sosie and I were still little girls, sneaking out to play in the woods. I wished that Fernando and his mother were next door and I could skip across the street and ask them over for a game of cards. But none of my wishes came true, and I couldn’t think much about my father, or my sister, or my friends, because my mother’s voice wouldn’t stop screaming in my head.
I wept. I cried so hard that my stomach ached and my throat swelled and my nose got so stuffy that I couldn’t breathe. I cried until my eyes burned and I threw up.
I wasn’t the strong one; I was as weak as my sister.
And I couldn’t hide it anymore.
9
ATTICUS
Lexington, Kentucky | Capital East-Central Territory
I met with Rafe yesterday morning for the particulars of my temporary position as Overseer. It was a short meeting before Rafe set out with a small army on the road to Cincinnati.
“How long do you expect them to be gone?” my friend, Peter Whitman, asked, standing in the doorway of my apartment.
I pushed the buttons of my military uniform shirt into the holes, to the last button, then tucked the tail of the shirt in behind my pants and tightened my belt. I needed to look the part my first day as Overseer—everything I could do to gain the respect of the other men, needed to be done. And if I couldn’t get the respect the easy way, I was prepared to get it the hard way.
“I don’t know,” I answered. “They might not come back at all.” I sat on the edge of my bed and tightened the strings on my boots.
Peter leaned against the doorframe, crossed his arms over his chest.
“I think he’ll be made General,” Peter said about Rafe. “And you’ll become Overseer.”
The last General was killed two weeks ago, and Wolf still had not named a replacement.
I looked up from my boots at Peter. “I’m beginning to think the same thing.”
Cautiously, Peter looked out into the hallway, and then said in a low voice, “The shit you can do with that kind of power.” His boyish face was alight with the exciting possibilities. “All the liquor, tobacco, and women you can handle.”
Peter was not like the other men in Wolf’s army, but he loved the ladies, and was one of the brothel’s best customers. He was the only man in Lexington who I felt I could almost trust—I trusted no one fully.
I shook my head at Peter’s comment, pulled the boot strings tight and tied them. I moved to stand in front of the tall mirror mounted on the wall, and inspected my uniform; I glimpsed Peter behind me in the reflection of the glass.
“I’m not trying to get ahead of myself,” I said, “but if that does happen, if I end up with the Overseer position, every soldier in Lexington will be my enemy by default—I hope you don’t become one of them.”
Peter’s eyebrows drew together; a smile of disbelief slowly crept over his features.
“You’re kidding, right?” he said. “You’re the only man in Lexington I trust, the only one I like.” He pressed his boot against the doorframe, pushed his back away from it and uncrossed his arms. “If anything, I’ll pretend to have it out for you like everybody else, but have your back from the inside.”
“That’ll be hard to pull off,” I said.
“How so?”
I laughed lightly. “Look where you are right now, Peter.” I shook my head at him in the reflection of the mirror. “We’ve been friends since you came here—you’re the last person any of them would trust with information they don’t want me to have.”
Peter shrugged, having to agree.
“I’m just hoping you won’t force me to do something I don’t want to do,” I added.
Peter chuckled, his shoulders bouncing slightly.
“What, are you gonna kill me if I fuck up?”
“Yes,” I said, and I meant it.
Peter’s smile fled in an instant—he knew I wasn’t joking. Jokes usually weren’t in my repertoire. Not anymore.
