AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I was afraid you might leave me at the farm and take her to Shreveport instead.”
His mouth fell on the side of my neck; shivers moved along my spine and into my cheeks; that tugging sensation between my legs returned. Tug—tuuug. I tensed a little, squeezing my thighs together to stave off the feeling, worried Atticus might sense it. Or was it an attempt to prolong the feeling? Did I hope he could sense it? I thought maybe it was both. I was still scared of having sex. But my fear of it was overshadowed by my desire for it—for Atticus. It wasn’t the act of sex itself that I wanted, it was the act with Atticus.
“I’d only ever take you with me anywhere, Thais.”
We were quiet for a moment; only the sound of our light breathing and the crickets outside could be heard. There was no Whippoorwill singing in the night, but I was okay with that. I had Atticus to comfort me now.
“But…you never touch me.”
ATTICUS
My body stiffened.
I couldn’t say anything. I was afraid to. The one thing I wanted more than anything as of late was to touch her, to be inside of her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Guilt was already a heavy burden I carried always uphill. I didn’t trust myself. I was afraid that if I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop. Thais would be Evelyn in that moment. She would be Petra. She would be lost.
“Why don’t you touch me?” she repeated.
I sighed. “Thais…I’ve told you before I just can’t—”
“You can kiss me,” she pointed out.
She turned to lay facing me, and she looked into my eyes. “And you only did that because I asked you,” she said. “If I asked you to touch me, would you?”
I grew harder, and tried not to think about it.
Thais moved her body closer, tucking her hands together pressed between our chests; she was so tiny in my engulfing arms. One hand fell on her bottom, and I pulled her closer; the thin fabric of her dress was cool between my fingers, her flesh warm beneath it. My heart was about to burst out of my chest. The stiff ache between my legs grew uncomfortably. My mouth went dry in an instant and my tongue felt like cardboard.
“Would you?” she asked in a gentle voice; never seductive, never with the wiles or intentions of a skilled woman; only with naivety and sweetness.
Oh, how is this possible? I thought. How can a woman do so much inflict so much damage, provoke every emotion with just the thought of her? How is this possible? Why does it hurt so much? Why are You doing this to me? I fucking hate You. I fucking love You. But God would not hear me, because I was not a man of God. I was a deserter. A betrayer. An angry shell of a man who coupled with violence and sex. I had judged and harmed and maimed and murdered and kissed the mouth of sin every night I lay with a woman, with Evelyn, with the women before her. And I did not regret it. I would never regret it. Because I owed God nothing. And God owed me everything.
I laid my head back on the mattress and raised her face to mine, my fingers tucked underneath her chin, and then I kissed her.
THAIS
I touched my fingertips to his lips when he pulled away. I always loved to touch his face, the shape of his strong-set jaw, the stubble that tickled my fingers, the perfect curve of his nose, the warmth and softness of his lips…always his lips. I was fascinated by them. The shape of them. How they tasted. How strong they felt against mine, as if nothing could ever hurt me or touch me when he kissed me.
“Would you, Atticus?” I asked once more.
“What would you like me to do?” he asked, but with what felt like a heavy heart.
“Whatever you want to do?” I kissed him lightly, just a peck.
He shook his head. “No, don’t say that. Never say that to me. Do you understand?”
I didn’t understand.
ATTICUS
“But why?”
“Because I said so,” I told her.
“But that’s what I want,” she said, her sweet breath laced with dandelions and caramel candy wrapping around my senses. “I want you to do whatever you want to do.”
“No.” I shook my head with emphasis this time. “Thais, I will never touch you if you give me that kind of freedom. Never. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever.”
She frowned.
