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I’d give up both to be with Hayden.
“Or like someone who made a really bad decision and can’t see her way out of it.”
While I sought out Karlene because I wanted company, I’m not really in the mood to get into it. I was hoping to keep the conversation on her. But something stops me from changing the subject the way I’ve done for nearly three weeks now.
“I told you I was going to.”
“What the hell, Ada? Whodecidesto make a bad decision? That doesn’t even make sense.”
Agreed. But what choice did I have? Sometimes you don’t get to choose between a good decision and a bad one. Sometimes there are only bad options.
“I know you think you had to do it, but . . .” She trails off.
“No buts. I’d feel even worse if I messed up their business.”
Karlene picks up the pace, so I do too.
“At least answer his messages. You keep staring at your phone like a sad puppy dog. It’s so obvious you want to talk to him. Maybe you can come to some kind of agreement?”
“Yeah, right. The last time we did that it took all of two meetups for me to end up inviting him to a romantic weekend getaway.”
Every time I think of our time in Skaneateles, I feel physically ill. Because I’m the reason I can’t see him anymore. Me. I made that call.
The whole situation seriously blows.
“Are you really going to wait two years for him? I mean, like not date anyone?”
A mother runs by with a stroller. Funny, I never really noticed them before. But I’m suddenly seeing strollers everywhere. I think about my discussion with Hayden that day on the bench. It surprised me to hear him talk about kids that day, especially knowing his changed stance on having a family has something to do with me.
“Well?” Karlene presses, bringing me back to real life from Mr. Sexy Eyes La-La Land.
“We didn’t really talk about specifics.” When I look at Karlene, I can tell she’s feeling the effects of her yo-yo pacing.
“Are you trying for intervals? ’Cause if you are, that’s fine.”
She laughs. “I can get myself amped up, but it never lasts long. When I need motivation to pick up the pace, I imagine there’s a camera crew filming me. I ever mention that?”
This is why I love her.
“A camera crew?”
She slows to a fast walk, so I do the same.
“Yeah, like following us. You know?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t have any clue what you’re talking about.”
“Well, that makes two of us. You and Hayden have worked out the most cockamamie plan in the world. Let’s wait for each other, for some unknown period of time. Meanwhile, we can’t text, even to decide if we can date other people. Like seriously. What the hell?”
I wish I knew.
So I’m honest with her.
“Kar, I don’t trust myself to open the lines of communication. To talk to him. To see him. I don’t think I could stop. So I’d find myself in the same position—forced to choose between feeling like shit for dating someone I shouldn’t be dating or telling Eleanor and putting Hayden in an impossible situation.”
She looks at me strangely. Almost as if she knows something.
“You’re in love with him?”
