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“I like her, Lus. A lot.”
“I’m not sure I get the problem?”
What am I supposed to say? That I like my work more?
Or notmoreprecisely. It’s just that the two strands of my life don’t jive very well.
“If it were five years from now, after all of the dust settles—”
“Oh, you mean when Angel, Inc. is international? And your vodka is more popular than anyone else’s? When you’re working on other spirits. Angel Bourbon. Angel Whiskey. Then, you mean?”
I’m really starting to wish I hadn’t called my sister. Although I’m not sure what I hoped she’d say.
“Enzo, there won’t be a good time to fall in love. Not for you.”
I don’t argue that I’m not in love with Chari Atwood. I don’t want to lie. But that doesn’t mean it will help anything to acknowledge it out loud either.
“There couldn’t be aworsetime,” I point out. “And it’s not like she’s here, in New York.”
“I’m in here,” she calls out to someone. “Enz, I gotta go.”
“That’s fine. I should get back to work too.”
I can almost feel her eyes rolling from Bridgewater.
“Thanks for listening to me, at least.”
“Not that it did any good. There’s really only one person who can give you the answers you need. But for what it’s worth, I like her too. A lot. Call you tomorrow?”
“Sure,” I say. “Love you, Lus.”
“Love you too. Ciao.”
The phone goes dead. I stare at it, agreeing at least with her last point. There really is only one person who can figure this out, and I’m staring at him in the reflection of my big picture window.
36
Chari
The black screen lights up beside me. Picking it up, I answer wearily. It’s the first time all weekend Enzo and I have video chatted, but this time it was because of my schedule, not Enzo’s. For the last week, I have forced myself to stop waiting for my life to start.
My mother didn’t raise me to be dependent.
Not on my boss.
Not on my boyfriend.
Lisa was right about one thing. I am a saboteur. Or at least I have been in the past. All day last Sunday, I thought about what she said. I turned off everything, made myself more coffee than one person should drink after noon, and contemplated what I want from my life, where I’m going with it, and where I’ve already gone.
Do I push people away out of a fear of rejection? Out of a fear of being left? Sure. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out. Am I doing it with Enzo too? Just a week ago I vowed to fight for him, and I still think he’s worth it. But even more worthwhile? Not losing myself completely. Which is totally what I’ve done.
Most teachers don’t leave public education and willingly give up a pension. But that’s exactly what I plan to do. As much as I love these kids, I’m not so keen to operate under this twisted, arcane institution that cares more about preserving itself than it does about progress. Nope, I just can’t do it anymore.
So what’s the alternative?
I’m not positive, but I’m determined to figure it out. Joining a private education company? Starting my own? Even researching the possibilities gives me more hope about my future than I’ve had in a while.
And then there’s Enzo.
