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My pulse starts to quicken as I remember how gorgeous he looked, head thrown back and lips bitten red with his neck veins straining as I thrust into him and my hand quickens. My breathing starts coming faster and faster as I start thrusting up into my fist, feeling the sensation of the shower water hitting my cock.
“Huds,” I whimper and push my hips up at a punishing pace, snapping them up and as images of my boy on his back, taking me so well pop unbidden into my head and I feel the telltale tingle of an approaching orgasm build in my spine.
“Baby, fuck,” I gasp out as I remember how fucked out he looked afterwards and my cock pulses dripping precome before I remember his groaning my name as he came in his low, hoarse voice and I come so hard my legs shake and my heart thumps loudly in my ears.
I collapse, breathing heavily against the tiles of wall and let the water soothe me as I start to calm down. The wall is come splattered, and I turn the head of the shower onto it watching the remnants of my orgasm slide down the wall. My head clears a little and I know that as soon as I’m out of the shower, I’m going to go to Hudson’s room and he’s going to talk to me. I thought before we could do the no feelings thing, but I still love him and I need more than a quick fuck from him. I’m just finished washing my hair, humming softly as the water rinses my head when I hear a soft knock on my hotel room door.
I quickly rinse off and grab a towel from the rack, tying it around my waist after drying off. My feet pad on the cool tiles of the floor and I slip a little as I make my way to the door. I pause at the door and decide to dress quickly, pulling on joggers and a shirt before I open the door and glance up and down the hallway. There’s no one there and I’m about to close the door when I glance down and my heart drops out of my chest, shattering on the floor.
Hudson’s journal is on the floor outside of my room. Something’s wrong. I know it, but I try to ignore the dread pooling in my gut as I grab the leather bound book from the floor and walk backwards with it into my room.
My legs shake as I make my way to my bed and drop onto it, holding onto the journal and lifting it to my nose. The scent of Hudson hits me and a rush of butterflies erupt in my gut making me smile as I remember how much he loves his journals and his smile as I gave him this one with his initials inscribed into the cover.
It was the last gift I gave him before I left and the memory of leaving hits me again ripping at the wounds that haven’t ever really healed. I thumb at the pages without opening the cover and wonder for a moment why Hudson gave me this.
Maybe, my head says, maybe he’s trying to communicate with you.
Yeah, that’s it. I’m sure he’s trying to tell me how he’s feeling, but what if he doesn’t want me back again. I close my eyes and swallow hard around the lump that the thought of losing Hudson forever brings up. I imagine him moving on, getting married to someone else and a tear rolls down my cheek. That’s the last thing I want.
Gingerly I turn the cover and my eyes roam the inside seeing a note tucked inside. My fingers shake as I take the note out, opening it up and dislodging a ring from inside it. I lift it up and see LFE engraved inside it. It makes me smile as I remember all the times I text him that or he sent it to me. It was our thing. Love forever. My palms sweat as I set the plain white gold band down on the bed at my side and flatten out the note.
With my heart in my throat I begin reading and the further I read the more my heart cracks until it shatters completely at the end.
Landon
I want to start this by saying how much I love you. I have always and will always be in love with you. You have always been it for me and I only wish I’d been that for you.
The past year of my life has been the worst I’ve ever had. I lost not only you, but everyone else.
The boys in the band hate me.
My family think I deserve the pain and suffering I’m going through.
I don’t disagree with them.
I spend every day disgusted with myself, wishing I could go back and stop myself or at least remember what happened. My last clear memory was pushing Xander away from me. He passed me a shot afterwards and after that I have nothing.
No memories, nothing except the feeling of wrongness and feeling like I’m being suffocated by the fact I couldn’t move. These are the only things I can remember about ruining us, sucks huh?
I know you are probably wondering what the point in this letter is and why I’ve given you my journal. The ring inside the letter was one I bought because I was going to propose to you. Stupid I know, but like I said, you were my one, still are.
I love everything about you, and you were the most perfect, amazing man I ever had the pleasure to love, and I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me for breaking your incredible heart.
I hope one day you find someone as amazing as you deserve because you, my darling deserve the world.
Please don’t blame yourself for what I’m going to do.
I love you so much. I love Vikki and Drew and Abbie and my family and my bandmates, but I can’t do it anymore.
I’m sad all the time and I’m so lost. I’m so alone and I’m such a burden to everyone in my life. You all deserve to live free and happy without me bringing you all down.
I hope by the time you read this I’ll be gone and you’ll be free, but my love please, please let me go. Remember that I loved you with everything I had, but love can’t save what’s already broken.
Goodbye my darling
Always yours
Hudson
