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"Let's get some air circulating, shall we?"
I waited for the breeze from the fan to calm me before I looked up into her eyes.
"Recall the journey onto the plane from your dream. Close your eyes and tell me what I reckon you saw."
I followed her instructions, not worried about the rest. This was going to go nowhere fast. "It was easy. I boarded. Sat down…"
A baby crying caught my attention. I turned toward him. Half of his face was on fire. Dark. Crisp. But the edges burned like paper covering a fire. The skin seemed to melt away. His mother dropped him and called out for me to help.
Glancing at the baby, it seemed too late. Then when I turned back to her, something trapped her underneath a seat. Her son was crying on the floor and when I tried to move toward him, I couldn't move. Something held me in place.
Looking down, the seat from the person in the previous row held me down. Heavy. Man. Heart attack. Leg stuck. Baby. Fire. Burn. Woman. Helpless. Smoke. So much smoke. Pain. Pushing. Pushing. Pain. Heat. Hot. Smoke. Coughing. Burning. Smoke. So much smoke. Screaming. Woman. Flesh burning. Pushing. Pushing. Lever. Pushing. Free. Pain. Numbness. Crawling. Smoke. Sirens. Smoke. Coughing. Screaming. Crackling. Burning. Burning. Crawling. Smoke. Weakness. Tired. Coughing. Light. White light. Coughing. Voices. Light. Coughing. Burning. Light. Nothing.
"Raphael, breathe!" Dr. L shouted into my face.
Death surrounds you, chile.
"Who said that?"
Death surrounds you, chile.
Burning. Choking. Screams.
"Raphael!" The loud snaps registered in my head, cutting out the voices and memories.
Sweat poured down my face and my chest hurt from the heavy panting. What had just happened?
"I…" My voice croaked, and I closed my mouth.
Dr. L produced a bottle of water and I downed it while looking for another. She walked to the mini-fridge in her office and produced another bottle that I drank slower this time. I began calming and the heat blazing inside my body simmered, allowing the cool water to fizzle it out.
"That was quite a recollection of memories. Let's talk about them. From the woman, child, and a man who all died in the fire. Tell me what you remember about them and why you think their deaths were your fault. And maybe we can try to figure out why you feel guilty for being alive."
As much as I wanted to fight it, she was right. Everything that she said registered. Fear, shame, loss of pride, remorse. And most of all, like I hadn't done enough. I couldn't remember the event when I was awake, but something etched it into my dreams. It had to hold some truth, and the feelings left behind were exactly as she described them.
She wanted me to revisit the scene, feelings, and what I saw. So, we did.
Chapter Twenty-Six
ANISE
Claudia insisted on having a dress custom made. I thought all the layers were going to be hot. It was baby blue with a sweetheart off the shoulder neckline. The waistline started just beneath my breasts and sprouted sheer lace that layered into a full skirt. My shoes matched with a satin finish and low heel. Raphael bought me a tiara, making me feel like a real princess.
I’d seen the picture of the castle on the invitation, but nothing prepared me for the view in person. I’d not seen much of Dublin on my transport to the hospital, my temporary place, and my in-town doctor visits. This castle made up for it all.
The lights beamed down the exterior, making the walls and towers seem taller than they were. They also added to the magical feeling of the long red carpet that lined the walkway from the car door to the inside. The drapes along the windows, the men standing guard, the tall staircase that led into the ballroom, the fancy tables, draped chairs, the candelabra on the table, and the orchestra entertaining the room only heightened the experience even more.
Once seated, I didn’t notice that Raphael was away talking because of all the wonderful things that I could view. It pleasantly surprised me when he kissed my shoulder.
“Would you like to dance with me, mon trésor?”
Raphael extended his hand, and I took it graciously. We swayed to the music, but it wasn’t until he began singing the lyrics that I realized it was a classical rendition of John Legend’s “You and I.” I closed my eyes as he moved us across the floor, singing for only my ears’ delight. It was perfect. He held me close. Hand in hand. I wrapped my other arm loosely around his neck and rested my head on his chest. This was where the real magic happened.
When he held me close, rocking back and forth, and the words to the music touched my soul, these were the moments when I fell in love with him all over again. Heat always started on my toes and made its way up to my hair follicles. Joy surrounded my heart, making peace in a way that I couldn’t find anywhere else.
The first time that he’d captivated me this way was at the airport in California before London became an option. Then London, New Orleans, and now here in Dublin. This time, it reconnected us in a way that I missed. This was our reawakening. Our hearts beat in tune. I felt like I was his and he was mine. The magic dazzled around us, making it all seem surreal, but it wasn’t. We were here, together, and though he couldn’t remember the journey here, his instincts reached out to me. It all had to mean something. This couldn’t be for nothing. Too much about it seemed right. Perfect. Destined.
“Please tell me you feel it, too,” I whispered it close to his ear.
