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I shook my head and held myself out of reach. "I'm okay," I lied. I turned away and hurried into the bathroom. I didn't want to see the pity on his face. I couldn’t deal with that right now. Holding myself together was difficult enough.
I caught my reflection in the mirror. One side of my face was black and purple with bruises. In contrast, the other side was starkly white, even for me.
Barely containing a sob, I dropped to my chafed, sore knees beside the toilet and threw up everything in my stomach. It wasn't much. I tried not to think about what it actually was. I was just relieved to have it out of me.
At some point, Ben crouched beside me and held my hair off my face. He lightly rubbed my back with one hand. Somehow, he even managed to snag a towel and wrap it around me.
"This is bullshit," he said, mimicking my thoughts exactly. "You deserve better than this."
I spat a couple of times, then sat on the cold floor and exhaled. "Do I? I've done some pretty shitty things in my life. Maybe this is what I get for all of it."
One side of his mouth drew up. "You don't believe that," he said. “I don’t.”
"You sound like Jake," I said.
He managed a smile, albeit faint and watery. "Thank you."
I rolled my eyes, then winced. I was right, it did hurt. "Are you sure it's a compliment?"
"Absolutely," he agreed. "Jake is a legend. Almost as much as you are."
I tucked my legs close to myself. "I don't feel like much of a legend right now." I felt like a rag doll who got left behind by the side of the road in the rain.
"Do you want to have a shower?" He stood and turned on the water. "It's actually warm. And there’s proper shampoo, and body wash." He picked up a bottle and took a sniff. "Okay, I was half expecting that to be full of piss, but it smells all right."
I grimaced. "Don't give him any ideas." I would absolutely not be surprised if he had them switched out in an hour or two.
"Sorry." Ben put the shampoo bottle back. "I had a peek in the wardrobe. There's even clothes in there for us. They look like they might fit, more or less. You, anyway. I had a feeling they planned for Jake to be here, not me."
"I think you might be right." I looked around for cameras. It seemed unlikely Dagen would miss the opportunity to watch me have a shower. I couldn't see one, but I knew they were there.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Ben asked softly. "What Dagen did... I mean…"
"Don't," I said. "Don't go there. Don't think about it. I don't want to. It's—" I shook my head. "It's in the past." Yeah, right. As if I wouldn't have nightmares about the way his cock grazed my teeth. About the way he felt. About the way he tasted.
My stomach heaved. I leaned over the toilet bowl and retched, but there was nothing left to throw up.
"Okay," he said gently. “It’s forgotten.” He sounded compliant, but I wasn't fooled. He wouldn't forget any more than I would. Worse, he would blame himself because he couldn't stop it, even though there was nothing he could do.
I gave him a long, firm look. "Remember, we have to do whatever it takes to survive. No matter what that is. We keep looking for a way out, a gap, a hole,anything. In the meantime, we survive. Understood?"
"Understood." He looked like he had more to say, but wasn’t sure of the right words. He never was much of a talker. Instead, he gave me a look that spoke more volumes than the National Library. I knew he cared about me, but I didn’t know how much until now.
He crouched back down. I managed to keep from flinching when he put a hand on the side of my face that wasn’t a mess of bruises.
"It's my job to keep you safe,” he said, his voice just above a whisper. “Right now, I'm failing spectacularly at that. I wouldn’t blame you if you hate me."
Gods, as if I could ever hate him. He was a rock in the middle of a motherfucking hurricane. He always had been. He was the anchor I needed right now.
"We are outnumbered," I reminded him as gently as I could. "You're not failing at anything. You're keeping me sane." I leaned over and lightly kissed his cheek. Then I remembered the last two things that happened to my mouth, and grimaced.
"Ugh, sorry. I should brush my teeth next time." For an hour or two, until the inside of my mouth was sterile.
He smiled. "It's my job to suffer for you." He looked at me sideways, a hint of something more in his eyes. "What would Jake and Cooper think?"
"They just want me to be happy," I said. Jake knew I had a past with Ben. And he trusted the man. That was everything. As for Cooper, he adored Ben for letting him kill the man who tried to assassinate me. To me, that seemed like a very good reason to like someone.
"Funny." He cocked his head. "That's what I want too. Enjoy your shower. Let me know if you want me to wash your back." He tried to smile, but his expression was as haunted as mine.
