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“I’m sorry, what?”
“When I saw you the first day of class, I knew that now was our time. I’ve been waiting for you for seven years Ally. At first, I was going to tell you, but the thought of keeping us a secret and being in our own little bubble was to enticing. Nobody would be able to place their opinion on our relationship if they didn’t know about it.”
I think about his words a little and my brain instantly jumps to the worst thought.Is he embarrassed to be dating me?That is the only reason I could come up with that makes sense for keeping us a secret if he knew we couldn’t get in trouble for it. Then his other words invade my heart and I want to forget the whole thing.He’s been waiting for me for seven years?My brain overrides my heart again.
I back away enough so his hands can’t touch me. Old Allison would brush this under the rug and just move on, but just the thought of us keeping secrets from each other makes my stomachache. I never once lied about anything, I didn’t tell him about the baby, but I planned on it eventually. I never lied though. He’s the one who suggested the secret dating because he didn’t know the policy.Except he knew the whole time, but why?
“This whole time, we could have been a normal couple. Went out and did things, I could have told my friends sooner. I don’t…” He goes to reach for my hands, but I pull them away. I need time to organize my thoughts.
“Ally, this doesn’t change anything.” I scoff.
“It actually kind of does Dex. You lied to me, we were keeping the secret of us from everyone else, but that didn’t mean we could keep secrets from each other.”
To anyone else, it’s probably not that big of a deal, but I’ve been lied to so many times. I moved here to start fresh and to be happy. Dexter makes me so happy, but I don’t want to be with someone who keeps secrets again.
“You’re telling me that there aren’t any secrets you’re keeping from me?” I feel anger building up inside of me again.
“No, Dex. I’m not keeping any secrets from you. I fully intended on telling you everything about my life in New York. I’ve told you things I haven’t even told my friends before, what else did you need to know right now? How I got married, then cheated on not once but twice after we lost our baby.”I didn’t mean to let that last part slip.
“Baby?...The other night when I kissed your stomach, when you said you technically didn’t have kids at the park, I didn’t realize…” I sigh and look down at the floor.
“Just don’t…”
I say in the quietest voice. I don’t dare look up at him, but the anger gets the better of me. I see sorrow in his eyes and in this moment, I want to forget the lie and move on, but I need to stand my ground. I’m done with secrets!
“Ally, I didn’t know. I have no idea how that kind of loss feels but I am sorry.” I close my eyes and let out a steady breath.
“Its fine, it was a long time ago. I’m done with secrets though, Dex. I moved here to have a new start, not go through the same thing I did back then.”
“Ally, please.”
“I’m sorry, but I need time. Okay?”
He swallows and looks nervous, but he nods.
“We jumped into this when we first realized that we were in each other’s life again. It all was all so…fast, please just give me some time.”
“I’ll give you whatever you need Ally. I am sorry, I hope you know that.”
I give him a sad smile and turn to walk away, but I turn around to see him one more time before leaving the library.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The first week was the hardest. It’s been three weeks now without him and id be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. Every time I grabbed a book off my bookcase, I couldn’t stop thinking about Dexter. Being wrapped in his arms on my couch as his voice filled the room. I couldn’t bring myself to click play on The Office since we had started rewatching it. I see him with everything I do in my apartment now. Class has been the main struggle for me. To see him up there teaching class and knowing he won’t be going back to my apartment with me at the end of the day. Ive reached for my phone so many times to call him, just to hear him tell me that everything is alright.
Just silence except for classes throughout the week, even during class he is professional and doesn’t show any signs of us being together. I should be grateful that he is giving me the space I asked for, but I miss him so much it aches. I haven’t told my friends that we aren’t together. I don’t know if this is considered a break or if we are actually broken up.Were we even together in the first place if it was a secret relationship?My brain has been all over the place lately and I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss our weekend ritual of laying on my couch reading books together. Sometimes I think I made a mistake and blew the whole thing out of proportion, but I was serious when I said no more secrets.
Izzy’s wedding is in one week and I should be excited, but I don’t know how she is going to act when I show up by myself. I want to use the excuse for the wedding to talk to Dex, but I know that’s not fair. I never fully expected him to go with me in the first place. I walk into the coffee shop down the street of my place and set up my laptop. I’m basically finished with my book and now ive been just putting some final touches on it. I’ve gotten a lot done these past few weeks alone. This is how I pictured my move here, alone and focusing on my writing. Except Dexter happened and I wouldn’t undo that part.I wish I could fix that part.I’m walking back to my table when I see a familiar face in the passing.
I don’t expect him to remember me, so I don’t make a fool of myself and wave. He stops when I pass him.
“Allison?” I turn toward him and smile.
“Oh, hey Jason, I wasn’t sure if you would remember me.” He smiles.
“It’s kind of hard to forget a woman that runs through the airport yelling at you.” My cheeks turn bright red from embarrassment and we both laugh.
“Yeah, I guess that does kind of leave an impression.”
