AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Autumn tucks a strand of Clementine’s hair behind her ear. “Sure, pumpkin.” She meets my gaze. “Tonight, let’s stay at my place.”
I lean in and kiss her forehead. “Fine with me. We should grab dinner soon.”
The group disburses. After saying our goodbyes, the three of us pile into the Jeep and pick up a quick bite to eat. We stop at my house, feed Spartan, and gather everything we need for the night.
No matter how many trips it takes, no matter how uncomfortable the arrangement, I will protect my girls.
NINETEEN
AUTUMN
I told Jonas we would alternate between staying at my apartment and staying at his house. That was Monday. Monday, we stayed at my apartment. Now it is Thursday, and we haven’t been at my apartment since, with the exception of packing stuff to bring to Jonas’s. To be honest, I would more than love to stay here every night. Question is, am I ready?
Two very different voices clamber inside my head. Take up space and want to be heard. One claims to be reason, while the other claims to be reality. Both make me seem certifiable.
Believe it or not, reason is the temperamental one. The loudest and most annoying voice. Reason spews off all the what-if questions. Reason makes me second-guess myself and the choices I have always made. Makes me paranoid and uneasy. Before reason came into play, I never felt this uncomfortable in my own skin or mind.
Now, reality… she sits in the corner. A quiet spectator. She only speaks up when reason gets a little out of hand. But when reality voices her opinion, everyone stops to listen. Reality stands tall and fierce. Is a force to be reckoned with. Reminds me I deserve to live a life full of love and passion and exultation. I deserve to smile and laugh and joke around with people who lift me up and stand strong beside me. I deserve to live the life of my choosing, not what someone else deems fit.
Some days, reality rises above. Other days, reason stomps her foot and knocks reality down a notch.
Since the note and incident at Clementine’s school on Monday, nothing else has happened. Seventy-two-plus hours without a peep. I want to be excited, but worry something crazy will happen if I get ahead of myself. Celebration is an invitation for chaos.
Clementine sits beside Spartan on Jonas’s couch, reading her book to him as part of her homework assignment. Jonas stirs a pot of pasta sauce on the stove while the noodles boil and meatballs bake in the oven. I offered to help, but he shooed me away.
“Need me to pack anything for you? Seeing as I have nothing to do.”
He side-eyes me over his shoulder. “Already packed. You just stay on the stool. It’s okay to just be sometimes.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Says the man who hasn’t sat still in days.”
When Clementine and I stayed over on Tuesday, the house looked different. At first, I had difficulty putting my finger on what changed. Wasn’t until we headed to bed, walking down the hall, that I noticed more light in the second bedroom on the way to Jonas’s room. I never toured the office set up in the room, but the desk grabbed your attention when walking by. Now the desk was gone.
I just stood in the hall and stared into the room. Jonas stepped up behind me, wrapped his arms around me, and told me he hadn’t used the desk in a while. So, he donated it. The bookshelf had been moved to the living room, which is what was different.
But that wasn’t such a big deal.
Nope.
Not by a long shot.
I rest my elbow on the breakfast bar, chin on my palm, and smile at Jonas—well, his backside. The man who took it upon himself to clear out a room less used. To repurpose it and put it to better use. Not better for him, though. Better for Clementine.
Two nights ago in the hall, he steered me into the second bedroom, closed the door, and flipped on the light. I didn’t see the white-framed twin bed in the dark, but with the light on, I saw it perfectly. It wasn’t only a frame and mattress. It was so much more.Isso much more.
“Do you like it,” he had whispered in my ear. “It’s for Clementine. So she has her own bed here. But don’t tell her yet. I want to surprise her.”
When Jonas told me this two nights ago, I cried the happiest tears of my life in his arms. With the exception of the day Clementine was born.
In that moment, when Jonas confessed his selfless act, I fell even harder for him. Me telling him I love him was there. Right there. Ready to dive headfirst off my tongue. But reason slapped me in the moment and I didn’t profess anything.
But the resistance in me is fast fading.
Yes, it terrifies the hell out of me to tell Jonas I love him. It terrifies me to cut myself open, expose my heart, and pray he knows how to handle the beating organ with compassion and tenderness. That he won’t abandon me when times get rough. That he won’t jump ship because something doesn’t go according to plan. Since Leo appeared, Jonas has stood strong at my side. Fought for me, even when I pushed him away. But reason whispers doubt in my ear. Tells me different circumstances create different responses. Maybe next time around, whatever pops up will push Jonas over the edge.
“If you think any louder, I may actually hear what’s brewing in that head of yours,” he teases as he strains the pasta.
“Just thinking about the room.” As promised, I have not told Clementine. If I refer to it asthe room, she won’t make the connection if she eavesdrops.
