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Which is the exact moment the voice of uncertainty in my head whittles at my happiness. Eats away at my smile. Steals the hope and joy in my heart. And I hate that I listen to it. Hate that the moment it creeps in, I drop my arms from Jonas and take a step back. That I let it overpower me. That I let it fill my head with hesitation and doubt.
“You okay?” he asks, lines marring his forehead.
I nod, although my internal voice screamswhat the hell are you doing?“Yeah. Shouldn’t we check the food?” My excuse is lame, and Jonas is no fool. Since the day we pulled up to my apartment and spotted Leo, everything between us has been off-kilter.
“Set the timer.” He peers around me. “Still have another five minutes before I flip the chicken.”
And because I am irritated with my unsure mind, I remain tight-lipped and nod. When Jonas steps up to me again, I don’t resist his embrace. But I don’t give myself over to it as much as I long to. Don’t melt into him. Don’t clutch on to him as if my life depends on it—which is partial truth.
Until dinner finishes cooking, we hold each other in an awkward embrace. If I sense how odd the energy in the room is, he does too. But he doesn’t say a word. He just holds me; his cheek resting on the crown of my head.
Dinner is quiet. Not even Clementine speaks up. The vibe while we eat is stifling.
Clementine is upset and pouts for good measure. I push food around my plate like a picky child, eyes glued to my fork. But even with my eyes downcast, IknowJonas is staring. I feel his gaze deep in my bones. Every other minute, he spears food on his plate in my periphery but does so blindly. When I lift my chin and catch his eyes on me, my assumptions are answered.
Before I open my mouth to stupidly ask what is wrong, Clementine speaks up. “May I be done, please?”
I glance at her plate, which is mostly clear. “Sure, pumpkin. Go pick a movie and we’ll be there in a minute.”
The moment Clementine is out of earshot, Jonas locks onto my eyes. “Did I do something wrong?” His voice so soft, I barely hear him. But in his tone, I decipher hurt.
Gah! I have been so worried and distracted with Leo and the case, I am already messing this up.
This is why separation—temporarily—is the best idea. Because I am screwing up the best relationship, the best man, in my life. All because I don’t know how to balance our time together along with raising my daughter and dealing with an ex who gave zero shits about me or Clementine then suddenly does.
Whatisthe right choice here? Feels as if there isn’t one.
God, I like Jonas. Considering I almost slipped and said theL-word, I more than like him. He possesses every great quality I desire in a partner—kindness, affection, warmth, and he cares for Clementine as if she were his own. No matter how you spin it, I am lucky to have Jonas in my life.
But I can’t stop thinking about Leo using Jonas as a weapon. What if he tells the courts I didn’t give him a chance to be a father to Clementine because Jonas assumed the role? Although the idea is far-fetched, I wouldn’t put it past Leo to say such things. Which is why I need my relationship with Jonas to slow down a bit. Not full-fledge stop, but ease off until I have better reassurances from Theresa.
Could the teeter-totter balance in the middle for just a bit.
“No, you’ve done nothing wrong. But I need you to understand how torn I am right now.”
His chair scrapes against the tile before he rises and takes his and Clementine’s plates to the kitchen. I follow in his wake, adding my uneaten food to a leftover container with the rest. Once all the dishes are rinsed and in the dishwasher, he spins to face me again.
“Can you please tell me what has you so divided?”
I take a deep breath and step within inches of Jonas. Reaching forward, I fist his shirt and peer up. “I feel… stuck. Like no matter what decision I make right now, it won’t be the right one. If we go about things as if nothing has changed, what if Leo digs up stuff and pins us against each other.”
“Autumn, I have told you about my past.”
“Romantically, yes. But Leo’s family can get dirty when they want something. No doubt he picked up the habit. He may not dig up something bad about either of us in the romance department, but what if you got into a physical altercation before? He may claim to the courts you have a history of violence.”
“That isn’t true, though.”
“Yes, but his money will make it true long enough for him to win. Do you understand where I’m coming from now? Why I have been so tossed up? Jonas, I lo— care about you. A lot. And I don’t need Leo ruining your life just for the hell of it.”
Jonas closes the space between us and swathes me in his arms. “I care about you a lot too, scarlet.” He kisses the crown of my head. “The only way he can ruin my life is to take you away from me.”
Knife in the heart, twisting and digging deeper.
“Can we talk about this later? Let’s go watch the movie with Clementine.”
Jonas kisses the crown of my head again, then releases me. “Sure.”
We weave our way into the living room and plop down on the couch. Clementine is a good twenty minutes intoThe Nightmare Before Christmasalready. She lays sprawled across pillows and blankets on the floor, twirling the length of her hair around her finger. In no time, Clementine will pass out. She fights sleep by twirling her hair.
