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Stepping into the warm spray fully clothed, I reach under my dress for the knife that’s strapped to my thigh. Stupid, stupid, Odile! I chastise myself. I should have used it on The General. I should never have frozen like…I snort at the irony…Like a deer in the headlights.
Flicking open the blade, I slide the hem of my dress up my thigh until The General’s marks are exposed. Five small, bloody crescent moons mar the pale skin of my thigh. My stomach lurches. I tighten my grip on the flick knife and dig the tip into the first nail mark. A hiss falls from my lips but I push the blade deeper until the blood coats my fingers. Then I twist, twist, twist. I move on to the next one when I can’t bear the pain any longer. Over and over until my legs give out and I fall to the floor of the shower.
Only blood can wash away the memories and there are a lot of memories to wash away.
“Odile? Are you okay? I heard a ban— Christ! What happened?”
I don’t even move when Kaiden comes into the tiny bathroom space. I’m too numb. His presence takes up so much room, but I can’t summon the energy to care. I can’t hide my secret from him, can’t be bothered to lie. I’m exhausted. Spent. Broken.
And Kaiden, my beautiful, damaged, tormented soul, simply sinks to the floor beside me, pulls me into his lap and holds me until I’m done washing away The General’s sins.
He doesn’t try to stop me or comfort me when I pick up the knife once more and go back for round two. Doesn’t take the knife from me or try to talk me out of what I’m doing. He simply keeps me company while I work through the pain, understanding the process I need to move through to release the demons from my flesh. He knows because he’s been there too. And like I was there for him, never questioning or cajoling or bargaining, he does the same for me.
And that’s why I still love him.
Done, the knife clatters to the floor and Kaiden switches off the water. It’s long since gone cold anyway, I just couldn’t feel it until now. Couldn’t feel anything. Clambering to my feet, I wince at the sudden onslaught of pain. I went too far.
“C’mon. Let’s get you warm and dry, and then I’ll patch you up.”
I allow Kaiden to take over, pulling my wet clothes from me and wrapping me in a huge towel. He takes a second, smaller towel and gently wraps my hair up, then carries me to my bed. He places me down like I’m fragile and wraps a blanket around my shoulders before returning to the bathroom for a first aid kit. I guess all rooms have them as standard or something.
I flinch when he presses something into my hands, and when I look down I see that he’s made me a cup of tea.
“T-thank you,” I whisper, taking a sip. It’s the perfect temperature – only just cool enough not to scald – and he took the time to brew loose leaf for me, none of that bagged shit. I’m oddly touched that he remembered how I like it.
“Sure. I would have joined you sooner in the shower but I was making that in the kitchen for you,” he replies as he starts to tend to my cuts. Now that I’m out of the water, the bleeding has slowed right down.
I appreciate the falsely casual way he makes out like we just took a shower together and not that he just found me self harming in a pool of my own blood. The elephant in the room should be that he let me, all while doing nothing, but it’s just not awkward between us. It’s history repeating itself, with the tables flipped this time. Maybe he feels like he owes me. Maybe he got off on my pain as much as he used to get off on his own. There were so many times we almost crossed a line together when we were in those situations, but somehow one of us always managed to hold back.
His phone buzzes just as he’s finishing patching me up and when he pulls it out he grins at me. “Pizza’s here. Be right back.”
“What? You didn’t get it delivered to the window?”
He chuckles as he leaves to get the pizza and I take the opportunity to pull on some pjs, sort out my hair, and hang up my towels. Yes they need washing, but I’m not putting a blood-soaked wet towel into my wash basket with all my other things. My leg stings as I move, but nowhere near as much as I expected it to, and actually the bandage on my thigh is pretty secure. I guess Kaiden’s been patching himself up in the last two years without me.
A huge yawn is escaping me when Kaiden returns. He chuckles.
“Too tired for food?” Now that I’ve smelt it, I’m absolutely starving so I shake my head. “Good. Because I was going to force feed you if I had to.”
“No need. Meat feast?”
“Of course.”
I groan and he chuckles. “Gimme.”
I don’t have to ask twice, he drops down on the end of my bed and places the pizza box between us, nudging it closer to me in invitation. I don’t care if it stinks my room out, right now, it’s the best smell in the world.
We eat in companionable silence, and Kaiden doesn’t once ask about what triggered my activities in the shower. I’m grateful. And weirdly relieved that he’s here and I’m not alone.
“What now?” I ask when we’ve finished and Kaiden’s cleared up.
“Now we sleep. Scoot over.”
“You’re staying?” I ask, surprised.
“I’m not leaving you.”
“What if I don’t want you to stay?” I tease, even though my voice is dead serious.
