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I don’t even know why I’m crying.
It’s not like I believe that the guys took that fucking deal with my brother. The whole thing is ridiculous! Johnny doesn’t even have the authority to be able to ‘sell’ me like that. I would punch him in the dick if he tried. I should have punched him in the dick tonight. Or, at the very least, in his throat.
So why didn’t I?
Because I was in shock. Because I hoped Johnny was better than that. Because there’s always a seed of doubt that three amazing guys could really be that into me without it blowing up in my face.
It’s okay. You don’t care. You didn’t want strings. It was just sex…I can’t even kid myself. Yes, the sex was amazing with all three of them. And yes, it would never work in the real world, what with me being a nomad and them being based here. Besides, I didn’t come here looking for a relationship…but there’s no denying this is the first time I’ve ever made a connection like that. And it went beyond the physical.
I know I should probably go back and hear them out, but I can’t…I’m just too embarrassed. What would I say? The elephant in the room is always going to be that Johnny offered me to them on a platter, and whether they took it from him or not, they feasted. So I’ll always be wondering ‘what if.’
Fuck. Johnny. Why did you have to screw up the first good thing to happen to me in ages?
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, imagining a time when Johnny was someone I looked up to.
“Oh jeez, Belle. You’ve got to move faster than that!” Johnny says, as he shows me how to dribble the basketball around the cones he laid out for me. He moves swiftly, and I admire his agility.
“You’re so good! I’ll never be as good as you are…” I complain, frustrated tears springing to my eyes, when I drop the ball again. I didn’t even know I had a big brother until this summer, when he turned up on base to stay with dad and me for a couple of weeks.
“Hey!” Johnny strides over to me, and cups my cheeks between his palms. “You can, and you will! You just need to work for it, Belle. Nothing in this life will ever be handed to you, you have to take it. You’re capable of being the strongest kid I know. Now try again, and keep trying until you’re better.”
I sniffle, tears flowing freely now. That summer, Johnny was my best friend. I idolized him the way only a baby sister can, but then at the end of the summer he had to go home, and despite promising to stay in touch with me, he vanished. I don’t know what happened between us, or to him, but that fleeting connection we made when I was younger is gone.
I hoped we might be able to get that back with this visit, but I was fooling myself. He tried to barter with my body like I was cattle. Betrayal doesn’t even come close. This wound is soul deep.
Dad would be so fucking disappointed.
“The hotel’s all booked for you, Miss Belle. Allow me to escort you there,” Henry says, coming back into the room. I didn’t even notice he had left.
“Won’t you…don’t you have to stay here?”
“No one will miss me for ten minutes, Miss Belle.” He smiles kindly at me and reaches for my bag.
“Oh! I’ll get that.”
“Allow me, please, Miss Belle.” I nod and give in.
“Thank you. You’ve done so much for me, and I hate to ask, but could you not tell—”
“I won’t say a word, Miss Belle, I promise.”
Relieved that the guys won’t come hunting for me, and a little disappointed that they didn’t already come after me, I deflate. All the adrenaline leaves my body in a deep sigh, and I suddenly feel exhausted.
“Okay. Before we go, could I have a piece of paper please?” I ask . He hands a monogrammed pad to me, along with a pen, and I thank him. Then I scribble out a note for Johnny:
Big brothers aren’t supposed to be the cause of their sister’s broken hearts.
