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I’m back and Jax is holding me gently, talking, soothing and trying to calm me.
“Just breathe, Princess, I got you. Listen to my voice...Deep breaths...in...and out…” His low chocolate timbre has the desired effect and I calm. “I’m sorry baby, I’m so sorry.”
“I’m just gonna say it all and let it all out. Michael wasn’t always one of us. He joined the friendship group late and always seemed to be trying a little hard. Eventually though he proved his worth and became one of us. Then, he stole Ace’s girlfriend. And although we were young and it wasn’t serious, we never quite trusted him after that.” He takes a deep breath and continues, “then, right when Lizzie joined West Prep, he slept with Ace’s girlfriend. And Rebel’s and Thorn’s. He was out. Instantly. Natalia dumped him, we dumped him, everyone kicked him out of the inner circle and he became something of a pariah at school.”
“What’s that got to do with Lizzie?” I frown, dread clawing at my insides like an unwelcome monster.
“I didn’t want the same thing to happen. I saw how the guys were interested; starting to bicker and fight over her already...I knew Michael would be interested too. I didn’t want sex to tear apart our friendship group. Losing Michael was a blow, but necessary. It would have killed me to lose the others. They’re like brothers to me. So I spoke to Tilly - we were dating but on the outs - and said how I didn’t like this new girl. I dropped hints about her being taken care of, knowing that Tilly was so desperate to stick with me, that she’d do anything I suggested.”
My stomach churns and I feel sick. Again. His words sicken me. He’s just admitted to ordering the bullying of Lizzie. Did he issue her death warrant?
I ask him to let me up and race back to the bathroom, but nothing happens. I quickly brush my teeth before joining him back by the bed. I’m reluctant to sit, but he grabs my hand and pulls me down beside him. I yank my hand free but remain seated. My legs feel shaky anyway.
“Did you know...how far it was going?” I whisper. I’m too angry to shout. How ironic is that?
“To begin with, yes. But then when I got to know Lizzie myself, I tried to get Tilly to stop. She wouldn’t, so we split for good this time.”
“But that made it worse.” My voice is dangerously low.
“That made it worse,” he confirms sadly. He sounds full of remorse but fuck that. “I’m so sorry,” he adds.
“Sorry?!” Rage, white hot and incandescent, erupts from me before I can think. “You’re fucking sorry for killing my sister?!”
I want to launch myself at him, to kick and scream and make him pay. But I don’t have the fight in me anymore.
“Were the others-” I begin to ask.
“Absolutely not. They had no idea. They still don’t, though I will tell them,” Jax jumps in. He holds his hands out; is he trying to placate me, or is he pleading?
“Why are you telling me this?” I ask in dismay. I would have been more than happy to go the rest of my life without knowing that one of the men I love was directly responsible for my sister’s death.
“Because I love you and I want to be with you. And I don’t think we can do that with secrets sitting between us.”
“Love? You killed my sister!” Furious tears stream down my face as he talks, and I notice that he’s crying too. Full of shame, and equally without it too. He’s not ashamed to be crying, he’s ashamed of the reasons why. And I want to comfort him. Damn it!
“Jax, I can’t-”
“Please, Raven, you have to forgive me.”
“I can’t-” I’m not trying to say that I can’t forgive him, just that I can’t do this right now.
“You have to!”
“I need...time,” I blindly reply. I’m reeling. I have no idea what I’m saying. “You need to go.”
“Raven, please,” he begs.
“What the actual fuck?” Baxter growls from the door. “Why the fuck is she on the bed? Why is she fucking crying? What have you done you fuckwit?”
“Nothing!” Jax yells.
“Get the fuck out!” he replies in a low, dangerous tone that makes me shiver. He takes a menacing step towards us, and although he isn’t anywhere near as intimidating or as big as Rebel, I can’t help but shrink away in fear of the imposing fury he possesses.
“I’m going,” Jax tells Baxter and me. He sees himself out without another word and Baxter comes over to sit by me on the bed. He holds open his arms, giving me a choice, and I throw myself into them and sob.
“Did he hurt you?” is the only thing Baxter asks. I shake my head no.
“He said he was the one who started Lizzie’s bullying.”
