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“Burn them all to the ground.” I finish quietly. He remembers. I desperately want to look at him to see what he’s thinking, but I don’t dare. I hope and I pray that he gets it; that he understands. Please let someone understand.
“So what happened to Michael then?” Jax cuts over us. His attitude is pissing me off, rubbing me up the wrong way, and I want to stun him into silence.
“I killed him.”
Their collective sharp intakes of breath feel like thousands of knives in my gut. Their shock and horror that I could really be so casual and callous describing what I did hurts me. Do they really think I’m like that? There’s several moments of silence as they process. I can’t meet their gaze but I can look up enough to see the horror and revulsion on their faces.
“Why?” Ace whispers. It’s the first time he’s spoken and his quiet question makes me want to weep in relief. He gets it; he knows I wouldn’t set that fire and toss a body off a cliff without reason.
“Because he raped and murdered my sister. He shoved her pregnant body off a cliff to hide his dirty secret. And he tried to do the same to me. He just wasn’t expecting me to fight back.” My eyes quickly flit to Ace’s and I swear I see a flash of pride there.
“Pregnant? Rape?” Thorn’s face pales. “He tried to...hurt you?”
“How do we know this is true?” Jax demands, twisting the knife in my gut a little more. I forgot that they were all friends with Michael once. I never got to the bottom of the story of why it ended.
“I wouldn’t lie about this. Not about Lizzie. I recorded him confessing and I still have the tape. You can listen to it if you want, but I’ll warn you now, it isn’t pretty, and I can’t go through that again so I’ll have to step out while you do.” I make a move towards my bedroom to retrieve the tape but Ace’s hand shoots out and stops me. Where his skin makes contact with mine, my skin comes alive. Electricity crackles between us making those fine hairs stand on end, and I gasp quietly. Ace drops my wrist as if burnt and that hurts too.
“Stay where you are,” Jax commands and damn him, but I do. I freeze right where I am and slowly turn to face him. “You can get that later. I still have questions first.”
I gulp but nod, knowing I owe them this much at least. I owe them the truth where Lizzie is concerned. Thank fuck they’ve not asked any questions about Phoenix. I will lie through my teeth to protect her. She’s one secret I will not be giving up today. Or ever. My eyes flit once again to Ace, trying to decipher if he kept my secret. His face gives nothing away.
Exhausted, I take a seat at the small shabby wooden dining table that seats two and motion for the guys to find their own seats. Jax immediately takes the floral wingback chair, and Ace takes the other rickety dining chair close to me, leaving Thorn and Rebel to squeeze onto the dusty-pink velvet moth-eaten sofa. They look ridiculous squeezed on it but my stomach is in too many knots for me to smile or make a joke. Yeah, matching decor hasn’t been my priority lately. Raising Phoenix, keeping a roof over our heads and trying to complete my degree kind of took priority.
“What do you want to know?” I ask Jax.
“What was your agenda in coming to West Prep?”
“To destroy anyone who was involved in my sister’s bullying and death.”
“Bullying?” Thorn interjects.
“Yes you idiot. Her bullying. She was tortured at that stupid school and yet somehow you four magic ‘princes’ who ruled the place were completely oblivious to the shit Tilly and her cronies put her through,” I burst out, my anger getting the better of me once again. I’d done so well over the last few years to be calmer and to keep my temper under wraps, but within an hour of being in these guys’ company I felt like a hot headed eighteen year old all over again.
Time and distance gave me the space I needed to think things through logically. They were always cagey where Lizzie’s story was concerned, and once I was no longer infatuated with them, I was able to deduce that they never told me the whole story. Yeah, the rulers of the school didn’t know their girlfriend was being bullied? Bullshit. I’m not buying it. I just regret not being more clear-headed to question it back then.
“Tilly?”
“Are you just going to repeat everything I say in that dazed and confused tone, you moron?” I snap.
“Ouch, jeez, give me a break Raven. You’re dropping bombs left, right and centre today.” Thorn grumbles at me, pouting. Damn if it doesn't still look cute on his unchanged baby face though.
“Charlotte. I don’t go by Raven anymore.” I tell him firmly.
“Why not?”
“Let’s not get off track.” I hastily supply. I can’t explain that either; that it’s too painful of a reminder of my time spent with them. Being Raven was the one time I ever felt like myself, when I liked who I was…Murderer aside that is. Leaving the guys behind meant leaving Raven behind. Confused and heartbroken all I could do was return to that lost person I was before; Charlotte with the confused identity. It matched my state of mind well.
“Because it probably serves as a harsh reminder of what she did. What she is. A killer. A cold blooded murderer.” Jax’s voice is so cold, so distant, that I could be talking to a total stranger. It makes something inside of me snap.
I jump to my feet and storm from the open plan living space into one of the three doors to the left.
In my bedroom I don’t bother to turn on the light, knowing I can find what I’m searching for in the dark. I bend down and pull the wooden box from under the bed before returning back out to the boys and shutting the door behind me. I carry the wooden box that’s about the size of a shoe box over to the scuffed table and place it down gently. I may have stormed off to get it in a mood, but this box is precious to me so I handle it with care. I slip the lid off and remove the two journals that lay on the top, placing them to one side.
Underneath there are various letters and pieces of paper folded up. There are a couple of photographs of Lizzie and I, and even one of me with the guys which I hastily push aside. At the bottom of the box is the tape recorder. I reach for it and pull it out. Turning the volume up I press play and place it on the table. There’s a moment of silence and then I hear my own voice gently call “Hey” before the voice of the monster from my nightmares cuts in with, “Is it done?”
That’s all it takes, the three most innocent little words that he said during our whole exchange, and my gut is violently protesting. I jump to my feet and race to the bathroom door beside my bedroom, only just making it in time to spill the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I can still hear the recording playing in the background but I can’t make out the words. I don’t need to, that night is forever ingrained in my memory. I relive it every single night. I know it word-perfect.
I begin to sweat and shake uncontrollably as I sink back onto my ass and hug my knees to my chest. A noise in the doorway has me looking up and I’m not surprised to see that it’s Ace standing in the doorway. I wave him away, not wanting to be seen like this, but he steps into the minute space and closes the door behind him. I expect this to make me feel worse, like all the air has suddenly been sucked from the room at his intrusion, but it doesn’t. He approaches me in one step - the bathroom is that small - and somehow finds the room to sink down beside me.
