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Chapter Forty-Two
Raven
I don’t like to be alone in this house. I was fine with Ace here, a little wobbly when it was just Phoenix and I, but now she’s asleep, I’m a nervous wreck. I can’t sleep and I can barely sit still. Which is why I’ve let myself into her room and curled up on the rug beside her bed with a blanket and a cushion. I think I’ll sleep better knowing she’s close.
After Ace left, I spent the rest of the day playing with Phoenix. I had a couple of missed calls from Baxter and a few texts, but I ignored them all. I don’t know what I’d say to him if I answered and it’s not a conversation I would want to risk Phoenix overhearing anyway.
I know we will need to talk though. As much as I want to trust Ace - and I do - I don’t believe he has the power to bring the guys back together and to unite them alongside me in the fight against Cordelia. As harsh as it sounds, I’m going to need Baxter more than ever. Which is why it might be best if I put my feelings for him to one side.
Easier said than done though, as images of him yesterday playing with Phoenix flood my mind. He’s exactly what anyone would want in a father; he’s never fulfilled anything less than that role in her life, going back to before she was even born. He’s been my friend, rock, confidante, saviour. A perfect partner. But it’s the murkiness of his past, and the glimpses of the dark monster that still lurk within him today, that really draw me in and have me wanting more.
I think to myself how fucked up it is that, even though there has clearly been some kind of betrayal with Tilly, I still want him.
Baxter could be my best chance at fighting Cordelia and winning. My easiest shot at a simple love life.
But Ace could be my happily ever after.
He’s always been there, standing silently in the shadows, defending me and looking out for me. Sure, Baxter has too, but that’s because I’ve needed him to. I called on him, begged at times. But Aljaž was the cheerleader I didn’t know I had. A guardian. For four years he kept my secrets and tried to protect me to the end. When everyone left, he was the only one who called, the only one who came back.
And he loves me. Truly loves me. Whereas this...thing...with Baxter is so new, it could just be a phase or a whim or a passing fancy. Do I want to throw everything away, risk our friendship and, more importantly Phoenix’s relationship with Baxter, on something that could fizzle out and die before it really gets going?
But with Ace, things would always be more complicated. Despite his simple outlook on life and his amazing ability to see everything in black or white, it would tear him apart having to choose me over the others. I know they’re closer than blood, true brothers in every sense of the word, and it would kill him to lose that, even though I know he’d do it in a heartbeat without my even asking him to.
I worry my lip as I lie in the dark listening to Phoenix’s deep, even breaths. She sleeps with the clear conscience of an angel, no clouds ever darken her doorstep and I would give my life to try and keep it that way for her - no matter how unrealistic that hope is. Her soft childish snores comfort me momentarily, but then my puppy-like mind fetches me another scenario to obsess over.
If I were with Ace, I would have stability. Admittedly, it wouldn’t be the financial stability that would be guaranteed with Baxter, but Ace is a solid enough choice to appease the courts. A genuine loving relationship with Ace would show the courts that I am capable of being a proper mum to Phoenix. Someone with a past like Baxter’s could jeopardise my chances of winning.
Fuck, that’s a shitty thing to think.
Besides, whether they forgive me or not, my heart is telling me that this isn’t just a two-horse race. I love Baxter in a unique way; our shared history of my pregnancy and Phoenix’s childhood is unparalleled and something I will never have with the others. But I am, and always have been, in love with the other four, and even if they want nothing to do with me, I can’t just switch those feelings off. If I didn’t manage it in the last four years, who’s to say I’ll ever get over them?
You’re rambling, Raven,I sternly chastise myself. Shut the fuck up and get some sleep.
Charlotte Diary
Present Day
Oh my god. My car is trashed. How on earth am I going to fix it? More importantly, how am I going to fix it without Rebel finding out and trying to pay? Charlie is out of control. I knew he wasn’t a nice guy, but I never expected him to stoop this low. Especially after that business with his dad and the selling sex for grades accusations. It hurt, but I thought at least we’re done now. He’s made his point, had his fun. I embarrassed him and he got his revenge. But then the car too! Why? Why would he do that? And how the hell does he know about Phoenix? His threat made my blood run cold, even though I laughed it off. I should tell someone. But who? I can’t tell Rebel, he’ll kill Charlie, and Baxter’s not around much at the moment. I need to protect her better.
