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“How is that any of your business?” I demand. His lack of expression has me riled up. I want to see interest or something there.
“Because I don’t want another repeat of the Lizzie situation.” I cringe at the way he says that.
“Don’t you think it’s a bit late for that given that you all took me on dates and kissed me?” I point out. Pretty sure my question is rhetorical; we all know it’s too late and we’re definitely headed to some sort of ‘Lizzie situation’.
“Sex is different, though. It changes things.” He stands and comes towards me like a predator stalking its prey.
“Why? Are you jealous?” I spit.
“Not at all.” His eyes flash, and I see it: his first lie to me. It equally disappoints and thrills me.
I back away quickly. No. I can’t do this, go there, with Jax tonight. Not when we’ve been talking about Lizzie; it just wouldn’t feel right. When I finally get together with Jax, I want it to just be the two of us in the room, with nothing between us.
So I turn and run, racing up the stairs, and I don’t stop until I’ve shut the door and can sink to the floor to recover. I’m barely there for a minute when there’s a gentle tap at my door, but I don’t answer it. Jax’s low soft voice calls, “Happy Christmas, Raven.” Before I hear him walk away and enter his own room next door. I crawl over to my bed and climb in, sinking deep below the covers and praying for sleep to come quickly.
My heart’s pounding and my pulse is racing. I so wanted to kiss Jax, but I could tell that kissing him would lead to more, and I couldn’t go there tonight.
Not with all that talk about Lizzie.
Lizzie’s Journal
March 12th
I quit the swim team today. It just about broke my heart to do it. I guess if I’m trying to be positive, I could say it frees up more time to spend with the princes, but I still feel hollow. It’s silly, I’ll get over it in a day or two, but for now, I’m happy to just let myself mourn the loss of another thing I love. First singing, now swimming.
I’ll explain Charl, as I know you’re wondering why.
Amber. The redheaded princess who was, until my arrival, the star of West Prep’s prestigious swimming team. When I came and tried out of the team, I was over the moon to land a spot. West Prep is super competitive in all things, so you have to be beyond good to secure a place, and even then you have to re-audition every term! No complacency or resting on your laurels allowed here!
Anyway, from a swim point of view, things had been going pretty well for me. I was winning races and helping drive my team to victory and continually beating my PB. I had a real sense of accomplishment, and even working alongside Amber wasn’t a problem. I don’t know if it was because in the pool we were teammates, or because she didn’t have the other girls with her, but the bullying was always left out of the pool. Until the second term started and coach announced that I would be captain.
It was a massive achievement and should’ve been a cause for celebration for me, but unfortunately Amber didn’t like being demoted. Obviously, I don’t blame her, but the main thing was that we were still a team and should work together to secure the schools’ cup. Sadly, she had other ideas: she bribed (or threatened) our teammates so that they wouldn’t follow my leadership. They started to deliberately throw matches, and our statistics plummeted. I tried to step down, but Coach wouldn’t let me. I tried to explain to her what was happening, but she said a good leader would find a way to motivate their team.
It got worse and worse - to the point that no one would talk to me or train with me - and Coach still wouldn’t let me step down or quit. Eventually, I decided to call a meeting the night before the schools’ cup finals in the hopes of getting the team back together. I thought at the very least we could set our differences aside for one day to win the competition and I could offer to step down or quit after.
But the meeting didn’t go to plan.
First, I waited poolside for the rest of the team to show. I’d asked to meet at 6, which was our usual training time, so I knew no one was busy. It was nearly 9 when everyone finally showed up. Amber had taken everyone for pizza for pre-finals bonding. That’s fine. I figured they’d all be in a good mood and more likely to go along with the ceasefire.
Wrong.
Amber railroaded everything I said or suggested. She demanded that I quit on the spot and that I just don’t show tomorrow. When I refused, she shoved me into the pool! Fully clothed and everything.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the rest of the team jumped in and held me under the water. I’m sure it was prearranged; it all felt too smooth, too orchestrated. At first, I thought it was a bit of a joke and that they’d let me up... but they didn’t. That’s when panic set in.
I started to thrash, but there were too many hands holding me down, holding me under. I completely freaked out, and now with hindsight, I can see that it was a panic attack, but at the time I was frantic. I have no idea how long I was under - in reality it probably wasn’t long at all - but I blacked out.
They at least had the decency to drag my unconscious body from the pool. When I came to, I was laid on the poolside tiles, alone, in my clothes, soaking and freezing. I’m ridiculously grateful they pulled me out.
I bolted from the pool, and I’m not going back. I failed to show for the finals, and I didn’t even have the decency to face Coach to quit - I sent an email.
So there you have it. The reason why I quit another thing that I love. I don’t know if I was overreacting. Maybe. But at the moment I can’t face the water. I have panic attacks when I try. Even in the shower or the bath. I’m hoping it passes with time, but I doubt I’ll ever rejoin a competitive swimming team even if I do make it back into the water.
I wish you were here sis, I know things would be different with you here. If not different, bearable at least.
I love you
X
