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“Now, let me lay the rules once again…”
For now, I had to focus on the things I could somewhat control. At some point, I’d have to address the other elephant in the room, Lilly’s existence, and that might just kill me to do.
CHAPTER4
Marinka
After a good night’s sleep,I felt a little better. My body was still sore and achy, and I suspected it would be for a while, but I did have some appetite and my brain wasn’t so foggy anymore. In the morning, I had eggs benedict—not the usual hospital fare, but this was a private facility with better amenities. Then, Dr. Mike came to see me again to do some physiotherapy work. He showed me some exercises to do to speed things up. If I made an effort, he said, I’d be home sooner rather than later.
I wondered what home he was referring to. My parents’ or … where did Sebastian live?
Yesterday, after he dropped that bomb on me, Dr. Stephens showed up pretty fast, and it took a minute to calm me down. I was a mess, demanding that he call Sebastian so I could ask about my child. A daughter, I was told. It seemed like the most unbelievable thing, having a baby while asleep. Surely, these things happened only in books or movies. Yet, I had a scar to show for it, and I’d given birth to a perfectly healthy baby girl.
Dr. Stephens asked me to be patient, saying that my healing was contingent upon a custom treatment plan and most especially, a stable emotional state. Lilly—that was my daughter—was looking forward to meeting me and would visit me soon.
I was so overwhelmed, unsure what to think or feel. I’d birthed another human. Would we bond? Would she accept me? And most of all, would I love her?
All of this scared me shitless. How was it that I could remember my parents but not my wedding or pregnancy? Seemed upside down to me.
“Tell me everything,” I asked the doctor. “Tell me about her…”
As he described what she looked like, told me about her uncanny resemblance to me, and what a bright, sharp, chatty girl she was, my heart swelled with pride. I couldn’t wait to meet her, and I had no clue how long I’d be able to wait before going crazy. I had to see her.
As a little girl, I dreamed of having a daughter, but as the years went on, I never thought this would ever become reality. I was shy around men, and fared much better when I spent my time immersed in a book. The college library was my second home, and I avoided parties like the plague. All my interactions with opposite sex gave me nothing but more anxiety.
So, I always assumed men wanted nothing to do with someone like me. A damaged person who felt compelled to hurt herself in secret, alone, behind dim doorways. Even when I realized that cutting into my flesh, over and over, provided scant reprieve for the pain of losing my dear brother, Nicolas. I’d always blamed myself for not protecting him enough, not doing enough.
Tears stung my eyes and my heart shattered in a thousand pieces. So much time lost…
Dr. Stephens was smiling at me, his expression soft and kind.
“I want so see her,” I said, my voice breaking, but I wouldn’t let myself cry.
He patted my hand, a reassuring touch. “Mr. Dimitrei has been taking great care of her, and he made sure she got to know you, as strange as that sounds. He brought her on his visits here regularly, keeping you alive in her heart, ever since she was a newborn.”
It hurt that I couldn’t share any of these memories, and I never felt her presence when she was near. Sebastian, as formidable as he seemed, had done the best he could. Pain seared through me, making me so helpless. I fidgeted with my hands, wishing I could just fly out of here. I had to relearn everything: who I’d been in the last years of my life, what I wanted, and where I was headed. So many questions whirled inside my head. Like, where did I even live? I didn’t know where to start. All I could think of was Lilly.
“Do you have a picture of her?”
“Sorry, my dear. I do not. But nothing beats the real thing, right?”
I nodded weakly, then looked up at him, pleading. “Doctor, will I recover from this? Will I remember?”
“It’s difficult to say what’s going to happen, or how, but you must be patient and give it time. The worst part is over. You’re alive.” He emphasized the last word as though speaking of a miracle. “You’re a strong woman, Ms. Dimitrei. You’ll find a way.”
“What about what happened? I don’t know who shot me and—”
He raised a hand to stop me. “I am sure Mr. Dimitrei will fill in the blanks for you,” he said in an even town. “I will say the bullet hit you in the abdomen. It took a few hours on the operating table to locate the bullet and assess the situation. We had to act fast to prevent complications. Sepsis, peritonitis, infection. Damage to the kidneys or lungs. Too many wild cards… But now you’re here, ready to be reunited with your family.”
Did I hear a note of emotion in his voice? He must be used to patients like me, but then again, maybe he wasn’t.
I looked under the collar of my gown and sure enough, I spotted another scar on the abdomen. Earlier, when I saw my C-section scar, I hadn’t lifted the gown high enough to see it.
“I want to see my parents … my daughter …” I swallowed past a lump in my throat.
“One thing at the time, one day at a time, Marinka. I know this can be very frustrating but you need to take it easy. Everything will fall into place. I believe Mr. Dimitrei arranged for Mr. Shevchenko to visit, but then you insisted on both of them coming. You insisted you wanted to see them alone.”
Sebastian had intended to cut my mother out, but if I was to remember, I needed to speak with them both.
