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Evemer was silent for a long time; Kadou couldn’t even hear him moving around the room. “I should apologize, Your Highness. I nearly failed in my duty to you.”
“There’s no such thing as a near failure,” Kadou murmured. He didn’t have to think about the words, just recited them as they had been taught to him. “Either you succeed or you don’t. How close you come to either doesn’t matter at all.”
“Nevertheless. I was distracted. I didn’t protect you as I should have.”
Kadou closed his eyes. “There were more of them than there were of us.”
He heard Evemer’s almost imperceptible huff of frustration, so small that Evemer himself might not have noticed it. “I failed in my duty. I forced you to do what I should have been able to do myself.”
“I told you I’d been trained for it.” Kadou could feel his throat tightening again. The room seemed stuffy, his sash too tight about his waist.
“Nevertheless. I was charged to protect you. I should have protected you—not just from the thieves, but from having to do that.”
“I don’t know why you care about it all of a sudden.” Kadou swallowed hard and tugged at his collars, loosening them around his neck a little.
“Because you found it . . . distasteful. Your Highness has the kahyalar to take care of all manner of distasteful tasks for you; that one should have been mine. For this, I’m sorry.”
“It’s forgiveness you want, is it? You have it, you’re forgiven.” He was sweltering in all these clothes—why had he chosen such a heavy kaftan? Why had he even bothered to change out of bed clothes when he wasn’t likely to ever leave this room again?
“Highness, are you well?”
“Fine,” Kadou snapped. “I’m fine.” He squeezed his eyes shut. His hand drifted to his chest, clenched in the fabric over his heart until his knuckles ached with it. There—the first tremors beginning to course through his bones. Again.
“Respectfully, Highness, you’re not.”
“Well, what do you expect!” Kadou snarled toward Evemer. “In a situation like this, do you expect me to be fine?”
“Highness,” Evemer said.
“You don’t understand, do you?” The tremors were coming more strongly now, but Kadou shoved himself to his feet. Evemer rose as well, falling instantly into parade rest. “This isn’t normal. I’m doing everything I can to—to cope, to handle it with grace and dignity! My sister hates me, have you realized that?” Did she? She did, didn’t she? Kadou felt as if he were being torn asunder by the teeth of his own uncertainty and those of the fear-creature as it rushed out of the shadows and locked its jaws around him. “She hates me enough that she nearly sent me intoexile. Just by existing, I’m a threat to her, and it doesn’t matter how much I love her. It doesn’t matter that she’s the only family I have left besides my grandparents—and I’ll probably lose them too within the next few years. I made a mistake. I trusted the wrong people, and now she hates me, and she’ll never forgive me. She would havesent me away! She’s banned me from court!” His voice cracked at last. “I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve been shipwrecked. And now—now I’ve killed people, and—and you almostdied—” He was trembling so hard he felt he’d fall apart at the joints, and he couldn’t get enough air. His words came in small, frantic bursts as he wheezed for breath. He’d never had attacks two days in a row. He tried to fight it back—why did he have to be so weak? “It wasn’t—I thought there were rules—I don’t know this game, I don’t know how to play this game—I thought the world worked—differently.”
Evemer took hold of his arm, trying to guide him to sit on the divan by the open window.
Kadou shook him off. “I don’t like hurting people,” he managed to snarl. He hated these attacks, hated his body and his brain for crumbling like a cliff into the sea. It took a great effort of will, but he steeled himself against the wracking shivers. He was as powerless to stop them as he would have been to stop the incoming tide, but he set his shoulders, at least, and tightened his jaw, and stared Evemer down. “I’m fine,” he said, shuddering and shuddering, his muscles as tight as steel bands. “I’mfine. Ignore this.”
“Highness, Tadek is right outside the door, let me fetch—”
“Stop.”
Evemer froze.
“Don’t,” Kadou said. “Don’t.Just ignore it.”
Evemer stared him down for a moment and part of Kadou longed for him to refuse the order. “Yes, Your Highness.” He clasped his hands behind his back, falling again into parade rest, and let his eyes slide off Kadou. He really was the perfect kahya. Obedient and unwavering.Damnhim.
“I don’t know who I am,” Kadou continued.
“You are who you have always been,” Evemer replied suddenly, unexpectedly. “You are the prince of Arast. You’re afraid of hurting people by misuse of your power. But you should have more confidence.”
“In a position like mine, confidence gets people killed. I don’t want any more blood on my hands. I won’t do it.”
“You could do great things.”
“I don’t want to be great.”
“Whatdoyou want?”
“To begood. To keep my family safe.” He wouldn’t cry. Not in front of Evemer, of all people; Evemer, who already so obviously disdained him. He fought against it with every sinew. He wouldn’t cry as long as he had a point he was trying to make. “The whole kingdom is my family, so it’s hard. But if I stop trying, then I might as well be killing them myself.” He let himself fall at last onto the divan, his strength gone. The wracking tremors overtook him again and he closed his eyes. Endured, like a ship lashed down tight through a hurricane. There was nothing to do but ride it out. “Even—even self-preservation—it’s at the expense of other people. And Ican’t.”
