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“I would say Kadou has probably gotten the gist of that part by now,” Evemer said flatly.
“He . . .” Kadou cleared his throat, looked away. “He guessed my part too. Couple days ago. Dragged it out of me. Probably should have told you.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Tadek said. He’d been industriously applying jam to another morsel of the simit, and this he used to gesture at them. “I was assuming you both were being oblivious and hadn’t figured it out yet. You’ve got his bit. Andyou’vegothisbit. So . . . Wait, give me a moment to think of how to word this.” He stopped, ate the bite of bread, chewed thoughtfully. Evemer braced every sinew of his soul, and was still not prepared: “So you’ve, ah . . . already been getting at each other’s bits, eh?”
Evemer spluttered. Kadou covered his face with his hands and, evidently deciding this was not enough, pushed aside his breakfast and his coffee and put his head down on the table. Tadek only chortled under his breath until Evemer got himself together enough to say, “Inappropriate,Tadek.”
“The pun wasright there! What was I supposed to do?” Tadek cried, his mouth full of bread and jam. “It’s the only comfort I have in these trying times!”
“We haven’t,” Kadou said, raising his head and enunciating crisply.
“Haven’t what?”
“Been . . .” Kadou waved his hand vaguely in irritation. “We haven’t.”
Tadek stared at him. “You haven’t . . . at all. You’re telling me youhaven’t. That’s what you’re saying.”
“No water pump, but there’s a fountain just outside,” Evemer said.
“Why haven’t you?” Tadek screamed. “Whose fault is this? Not Kadou’s, I know he’s good for it. Evemer! Evemer, honeybee, look at him!” He gestured furiously at Kadou. “Look at this! Look! Are you acorpse? Are you—oh, gods, is it to do with the witch’s curse that made you a secret prince? Did she curse your dick also? It can’t possibly be nerves, there aren’t enough nerves in the world that could stand againstthat,” he said, with another wild gesture at Kadou. “Evemer!”
“Either tell him or let me drown him,” Evemer said to Kadou, who had laid his head back down on the table.
Kadou sat up on a long inhale. “Tadek,” he said. “Shut up.”
Tadek reached across the table and seized his hands beseechingly. “Why is Evemer still a virgin, it’s beendays.”
“Because when we were captured, they knew he was just a kahya, so they were going to kill him,” Kadou explained tonelessly. He didn’t pull his hands out of Tadek’s. “So I lied and said he had titles, and then they had Tenzin come in, and I had to act quickly and do something to make himnotjust a kahya so that it could stand up against a satyota questioning us.”
Tadek’s eyes had gotten very wide. “Holy fuck,” he whispered. “Holy fuck, you didn’t.”
“Quickest thing I could do in the moment was . . . lend him mine. Temporarily.”
Tadek took a deep breath, took his hands back from Kadou, and pressed both of them over his mouth, sitting back with his eyes closed.
Kadou sat up too and grimly refilled his own coffee and Evemer’s.
Tadek was vibrating slightly, eyes still closed. “Youmarriedhim. You married him, and now you need me to find you a free afternoon to undo it because youcan’t fuck until you—” He collapsed into incoherence and broke into howls and hoots and screeches of laughter until he toppled over onto his side.
“There’s a fountain,” Evemer said again. “It’s right outside.”
“Youtold me to tell him,” Kadou said peevishly. “Just grit your teeth through the rest and then we can forbid him from ever mentioning it again.”
Tadek hauled himself back upright with the edge of the table. “Oh, fuck, I think I just got religion,” he said, still wheezing with laughter. He wiped away tears with the cuff of his sleeve. “The gods exist and theylove me. Every moment of my entire life has been worth it to be here at this moment. Every trial Usmim has sent me has been leading me toward thispriceless gift. Oh, thank you for this,” he said, raising his hands in the third position of prayer. “Thank you for my entire life.”
“Are you done?” Evemer demanded.
“Absolutely not. I won’t be done for days. And to think I was going around pouting and sulking to myself and feeling stupid about it when right under my nose—this. Oh,” he said, with a sigh that sounded like he was wrapping up at last. “Oh, thank you both for this. Worth it. Incredibly worth it.” He cleared his throat and pulled his notebook from his pocket, still quietly gurgling with laughter. “I’m giving you wedding presents. Evemer, I will buy you a single glass of the worst beer I can find in the city.”
“Like hell you will,” Evemer said. He could already feel in his gut that he was going to be losing this fight.
“Kadou, I’m clearing tonight’s schedule after the seventh hour of the evening, so you can come home early and”—he choked back another laugh—“and have a couple extra hours to do absolutely fucking nothing, may the gods bless you and yourbeautiful,temporary union, at least for the next two weeks until there’s time for the temple.” Another choked-off laugh. “Don’t worry, I’ll get you both annulment presents too.” He scribbled a couple notes on one of the pages with a pencil and shut the little book with a snap. “Finally, in respectful deference to your non-honeymoon, I will be clearing out of the house at exactly one minute past the seventh hour of the evening so that you can have your privacy, though I don’t know why you’d need it. I will be going down into the city, firstly to research which fine establishment sells the worst beer so that I can take Evemer there later, and secondly to hire, oh, perhaps five of the cutest courtesans I can find. I will give Melek a copy of tomorrow morning’s schedule just in case I’m late in returning, because someone may have to bring me back to the palace in a wheelbarrow. I might be still drunk, and I will definitely not be able to walk.”
“Are you done now?” Kadou said flatly. “Can we get back to figuring out the parade route?”
Tadek heaved one last sigh of delight and wiped his eyes again. “Oh, I suppose we’d better. What have I done with my chalks?” He patted his pockets and looked around the floor. “I put them down in the antechamber, I think. Temporary-Highness, can you go get them for—”
“No.”
