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“Why, my Keri?”
“You make me…feel. Life has taught me no good ever comes of that. Feelings do me no good when they never matter in the end, anyway.”
Her words break my heart. I want to revel in her feeling anything for me at all, but how can I when she feels such fear at it?
“How has it taught you that?” I ask.
“I needed my mother, but that need didn't stop her from dying. I hated my father, but that hatred never protected me from his harm. I loved my sister, but that love didn't prevent her from being taken from me. I miss Leah, but longing for her won't bring her back to me. So, what good will all that I'm feeling for you do? In the end, you'll only kill me, maybe trade me to some other monster, whatever is done with the sacrifices before the next one is sent down.”
She takes a deep breath and even though she holds me a little tighter, her words show that she feels she needs to let me go. “All I will end up with is a broken heart and more tears to cry than life has already made flow from my eyes. I don't want to be hurt again, Linc, but that's the only way I can see this ending.”
My chest seizes as I consider something I never thought I would, breaking the laws of my people. If I told her the truth, about Grace and even the entire village beyond here waiting to meet her, about her being my mate, maybe she would trust me then. Maybe she would see that we can have everything she wants for us.
But my people will think less of her, and of our bond, for doing so. And if I take my father's place as leader of our people, how will they look at her? I have seen other people who've broken the laws for their mates, so desperate to have their mates stay that they told them all of what was going on. I have seen others scorn their bonding ceremony, look down upon them. I won't have that for her…and yet, if it meant her staying, is it worth it?
“What if…” I begin, my mouth seeming to decide to risk it before my mind even does. “What if I could promise you that your heart is safe with me?”
“How can you promise me that when come this time next year, there will be another sacrifice down here? A different monster will be here with a different woman, and you can't tell me where exactly I'll be.”
“What if I could promise you'll still be with me?”
“How could you, and if you did, how could I ever believe you?”
Her words wound me, more than I thought they would. I know where her distrust stems from. I know that the lies her government tells her makes it hard to believe harm won't come to her, one way or another. But haven't I shown her different? Haven't I cared for her in every way? Held her every night? Kissed her when her thoughts became too overwhelming, even if she didn't exactly know why? Haven't I proven to her, at least, that I wanted her, that I cared for her, and that I would never hurt her?
And still, she won't even take a promise from me. A vow. She won't even believe any promise I make has the possibility of being true. It hurts. It feels like my heart is breaking open, warm blood leaking out onto this woman still laying on me without her even noticing. She can't see because her pain is too great. Life has taught her not to trust, not to feel, not to want for anything. But I've shown her otherwise. I know I have. And the fact that she’s not willing to see that breaks me in a way I never expected.
I could break our laws, tell her everything, but I feel to do so now would result in nothing. She wouldn't believe a word. I don't think I could take the narrowing of her eyes, the thoughts running through her mind of what kind of trick I was playing on her while I told her the truth. No, my words don't matter, and clearly, my actions haven't either. Maybe she does indeed love me, or is beginning to, but without trust, even a little, how long could it last? How deep could it be?
Stiffly, I pull back, kissing her forehead before murmuring, “I do promise it to you, Keri. I promise you a future with me. I promise your heart is safe with me. I promise that when I say you're mine, I mean it. You take those promises, and you decide what they are. Lies or vows.”
Then I lift her off of me and stand, ignoring her puzzled thoughts behind me as I walk out of the hot spring. She feels so suddenly alone as she watches me leave the room, and I almost go back, almost return to comfort her, but the sorrow swelling inside me won't allow it. Step after step, I put distance between us, my heart breaking, and her heart confused.
Chapter 9
I’ve always scoffed any time someone has said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, believing they were spewing utter bullshit. I felt distance could only succeed in making one realize they were just fine without the other person, but I know now how true the statement is. Because Linc has been distant from me for days now, and I hate how much my heart aches for him. At first, I tried not to care how he still slept with his arm around me, but his hold was so much looser. I had to fight so hard not to be the one to move back into his embrace. I pretended not to notice his sullen look or that his smiles were gone, and that I hadn't heard his laughter since the hot spring. Yet, it plagued my mind, asking me if I'd ever truly heard that glorious laughter at all. If he'd ever truly graced me with his sexy smile. He doesn't ask me to join him when he bathes or speak to me except to respond to me. And I really have no idea what to say. He hasn’t touched me sexually at all, and I've been much too afraid of rejection to touch him. He's even stopped calling me "my Keri” when he addresses me. I suddenly hate my own name because a single word, his ownership of me, isn’t being said before it.
My anger tried to take over, forming a shield around me like I usually allow it to, but not this time. It didn't feel right this time. Not when I still remember that shattered look on his face when he walked out of the hot spring. I should have stopped him then, asked him why he was leaving and what the look meant. But I'd been too selfish, too ashamed, too confused and frankly, too prideful to do that. I regret it so much now.
He'd given me those promises, and I had no idea what to do with them. I wanted to believe them, so badly, but how could I when all I saw around me was this cavern and darkness? But still, something inside of me wanted to believe him. When have I ever wanted to believe anyone who dared to tell me I was safe? Not even when my sisters promised me that could I believe them, because in the end, we could only protect each other so much. But here Linc is, promising me safety, a future, and I just let him walk away.
Maybe I needed to let him walk away, needed these few nights of him barely holding me, and the mornings of me watching him sleep because it’s the only time I see his face look so peaceful now. Because they've made me come to all sorts of revelations. Ones I now know that I should have seen so long ago. I'm hoping better late than never.
I realize I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop, which I can't blame myself completely for when I came down here full of terror and still have no idea what will happen to me. But Linc, he's never made me feel unsure. He's never given me a reason to actually doubt him. He's never been cruel or even unkind. He's been…the exact opposite.
I realize my love for him is so much more than a thought, so much more than the possibility of it that I denied myself in the hot spring. I love him. I have no doubts about that now, even if I feel like it snuck up on me while I was still trying to convince myself that I didn’t even like him. It terrifies me, it excites me, it enlivens me in a way nothing else ever has, and fills me with dread because, along with realizing I love him, I also realize I hurt him. By not believing him, by turning away from him at every moment that he tried to pull me closer. Because maybe, just maybe…he loves me, too.
There’s only one way to find out, I guess. So, I stand from the bed and take a deep breath. It doesn't do much in fortifying me, but I let it propel me towards the small basin anyway. I grab it by the handle on the side, the fire within warming my hand, and head out of the bedroom.
I can hear Linc in the kitchen, making us a meal that will be spent silent yet again if I don’t put my fears aside and tell him how I feel. And explain why in the hell it took me this long to say any of it. I take determined steps towards the kitchen but stop when I hear a sound like something is slithering near me. My brows furrow as I bend over to bring the fire closer to the ground, but before I can see anything, there's a loud hiss and then a horrible, searing pain on my calf.
I cry out as I drop the basin and crumple to the ground. Linc's heavy, running footsteps come closer to me, but they sound muffled, much further away than I know they should. I feel like the darkness around me is spinning, that pain in my calf crawling outward, down towards my ankle, and up towards my knee.
“Oh God,” I sob.
“What is it?” Linc asks as he drops down beside me.
His voice sounds slurred and slowed. I don't answer, but his hand goes to where the pain flares anyway.
