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A younger me, (although she might be fourteen or so) is in a large warehouse room, punching a large punching bag. The room, I remember, is the shed. It has a large punching bag in the centre, with music blasting from a small bar in the back corner. Behind the bar is Mason’s and his dad’s guitar, which is well worn but still functional. There are a few couches and tables here and there, and a table full of gadgets and appliances. I remember this place. It’s Crusoe’s little space where he can do as much nerdy, technological stuff as he likes. Mason’s dad, Dave, had a special non-detectable wi-fi spot set up right there. I don’t know how he did it, but Crusoe can never thank him enough for it.
On the other side of the room is a dusty old pool table and the dartboard that Hayden constantly uses. Next to the dartboard is a bunch of cupboards and drawers. Half of which contain Aubrey’s clothes, and the other half contains books and other rare findings that we have accumulated over the years. Some boxes in the back contain things from the twins, and my house before I left. Hayden and Crusoe ran away, but they went back to their place a few times to collect some things. At the beginning of the gang, when it was just Aubrey and I, we lived at my parent’s place, since it was just me that lived there. When Mason took us in, I remember grabbing the few things I cared about and stuffed them quickly in a box. I don’t think the box has ever been opened since.
Emerson is still punching the bag over and over and over. I begin to wonder if my mind is glitching; the same image replaying in my mind. Finally, she lands a punch so solid that it knocks the bag off of the hook. She looks at the bag, just staring at it vaguely, as if not quite sure what to think of it. She is still staring blankly when the door creaks open and Hayden walks through. He stops as soon as he walks through the door and puts the bottle of water that he is holding on the table next to him.
He turns around and is about to walk back out the door, when Emerson whispers, “Hayden,” and he turns back around just in time to catch her as she faints into his arms. Hayden drags her to the nearest couch and lays her down. Emerson’s eyes are still closed, and Hayden goes and gets the water from the table and puts it on the floor next to her. He takes off her old bandages, folds them and puts them on a table. He picks up the boxing bag and attempts to put it back up but fails and drops it with a thud.
Emerson stands up quicker than a bullet and looks around alert. Her eyes settle on Hayden, and she sighs a breath of relief. “Sorry, Em,” he walks over to Emerson, and she sits back down, “are you alright?” he sits down next to her.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she says plainly, and Hayden looks at her sceptically.
“You don’t need to lie to me, you know that I already know. I’m a genius, remember?” Emerson laughs.
“I don’t know what is wrong with me, Hayden,” she says. “I go away looking for my dad for a year, I come back, and I start having these random nightmares. Sometimes, I have these moments where I just completely blank out. Sometimes I forget where I am or who I am. I forget who you guys are, and it takes me running out here punching a stupid bag for hours on end for the memories to come back.” Her breathing is heavy as she takes a large gulp of water. “Why am I so broken?” Emerson leans back on the couch and closes her eyes.
Hayden stands up, walks over to his dartboard and starts throwing them viciously. Every single one of them lands on bullseye with devilish speed. “This. Isn’t. fair.” He says, throwing one dart with each word. “We deserve better than this.”
“We all do, Hayden. Everyone here deserves a much better life than what they have.” Emerson says, pointing outside the door.
“We could run away. Steal some supplies, run away and never look back.” Hayden says dead serious, but Emerson stands up and laughs so hard that she looks breathless. “I’m being serious. You and me, the dream team. We’d be unstoppable. We’d run so far no one could ever touch us. We’d be safe.”
“And be haunted every day that I, the one person that can supposedly save everyone, ran away to save herself, and in doing so, sent everyone here a death wish. Tempting, but I couldn’t do that to the gang.”
“They have secrets you know,” Hayden criticises, “All of them.”
“That’s nothing new, Hayden. We all have secrets. You of all people should know that,” Emerson gives him a pointed look. And begins to walk to the door. “You know perfectly well why I can’t leave, so don’t even try to act like things could ever be normal because they just can’t.”
She is about to open the door when someone knocks on the other side. “Yeah?” Emerson opens it to find Aubrey on the other side. She takes one step inside and looks from Emerson to Hayden multiple times, assessing the tension that electrifies the room.
“I hope I haven’t disrupted anything. I just wanted to come in to tell you that Dave and Naomi have dinner prepared, so whenever you are ready, it’s there.”
“Fabulous, I am starving after training. I was just leaving anyway. You coming?” she asks Hayden, her voice is strained.
“Yeah, I’ll be there soon,” He replies and the girls close the door behind him.
“Again?” Aubrey asks cautiously.
“Don’t look at me like that, Bree,” Emerson sighs, “Hayden thinks he can wave his hand, and everything will be fixed. He doesn’t realise the solution isn’t that easy.” Aubrey looks at her like she doesn’t believe a word that Emerson is saying. They walk inside the house, ready to eat dinner.
* * *
I awake to the sound of low arguments and sit up to assess what is going on. We are on the side of the road, desolate and abandoned land all around us. Albert is leaning against the car, looking at his watch like I’m just wasting his time. Hayden and Jasper are standing in front of me, on opposite sides of each other. Tyler and Aubrey are next to Jasper, Mason is in the middle, and Crusoe is on the other side. I think about speaking, then decide to see how long it will take them to notice that I am awake.
“I don’t understand what you have against me.” Jasper speaks softly, as if he’s trying not to wake me.
“What do I have against you?” Hayden yells, “my problem is that I am trying to protect Emerson from jerks like you.” He points at me, as if Jasper is to blame for my current state. When he realises I’m awake, he does a double take.
“Emerson,” Aubrey pushes through everyone who are just standing there as if I am a ghost and helps me up.
“Now that that lovely spectacle is over, can we please get this drive over with.” Albert announces, still staring at his watch. What is so important that he has to check his watch every five seconds to make sure he doesn’t miss it?
Albert insists that I sit up front with him, and so I do without objection. Jasper moves and sits between Tyler and Aubrey, while Mason goes and sits in the back with the twins.
“You alright?” Albert asks softly as we start driving.
“Yeah,” I lie. Because I am never fine. I am confused about what I have just seen. I want to know what happened to me when I collapsed, because I know it wasn’t just exhaustion. I want to know about the secrets that Hayden and I were talking about. I want to understand why I am so messed up.
As I watch the lonely land around me, I ponder on all these things, hoping that the space might provide me with answers.
